JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

'Skinterns' Invade Washington

July 15, 2006

Every summer 20,000 young, nubile interns report for unpaid duty as photocopiers, coffee makers and gofers at the Capitol, White House and other lesser known government offices. These interns used to wear suits or other common office attire. No more. Modern fashion has led to bolder behavior. Hence, these helpers are now referred to as "skinterns."

Short skirts, bare midriffs and plunging necklines have got senators and congressmen in a lather. Several have reportedly had to be administered oxygen.

Patsy O'Toole, an intern in Senator Kennedy's (D-Mass.) says that the senator has made after-hours at the office "clothing-optional" to help reduce wardrobe and cleaning expenses for the unpaid staff. "He's been real nice about it," said O'Toole. "He even says we can sleep there overnight like he sometimes does so he can get an early start on the job."

Guy Manley, an intern for Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) says the congressman has encouraged him to feel free to take off his shirt if his work at the copy machine gets too hot. "Congressman Frank saw the large sweat stains on
my shirt the day I spent eight hours at the copy machine," said Manley. "He said that seamen tending coal fired boilers often took their shirts off and that it would be okay if I wanted to do so. He even handed me a towel while we chatted. He's really interested in young people like me, you know."

Former president Bill Clinton praised the new look. "Washington's hot in the summer," said Clinton. "People sweat a lot. There's something to be said for a trend that could help reduce the risk of clothing getting stained. I'm
just sorry the trend didn't come sooner."

Terrorists Repeatedly Struck U.S. Before 9/11, Cheney Claims

Vice President Richard B. Cheney told a gathering of Michigan National Guardsmen that terrorists started their war against the United States long before the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks. Chenney cited the deaths of 241 U.S.
Marines during the 1983, bombing of a military barracks in Beirut, Lebanon, the first terrorist bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993, terrorist attacks on U.S. forces in Mogadishu, Somalia in 1993, simultaneous terror bombings of two U.S. embassies (Tanzania and Kenya) in East Africa in 1998, Terrorist bombing of the USS Cole in Yemen in 2000. "Time and time again, for the remainder of the 20th century, the terrorists hit America and America did not hit back hard enough," Cheney said.

Cheney's remarks sparked an immediate outcry from several sources.

The NY Times accused the Bush Administration of another cover up. "We never heard of any of this before," said Bill Keller, editor. "Why has the Bush Administration waited until now to release this information-if, in fact it is real and not just more lies like the weapons-of-mass-destruction
fabrication?"

Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) saw Chenney's remarks as suspiciously "Machiavellian." "With polls showing big gains for Democrats in the upcoming November elections, the announcement that the terrorists have been making war on America for over 20 years has the smell of a 'dirty trick,'" said Pelosi. "The vice-president is trying to cast blame on prior administrations in order to divert attention from the failures of President Bush and the Republican majority."

"If this really happened as Vice-President Cheney contends, why don't I remember any of it?" asked Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.). "Does the Bush Administration think the American people are so gullible that they swallow
this tall tale?"

"Had the 2004 election turned out differently, I feel confident in saying the events alleged by Mr. Cheney never would've happened," said Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.). "Foreign leaders had more confidence in me. They would have worked with me to prevent these tragic events. The unfortunate reelection of George Bush has permitted his 'cowboy diplomacy' to turn the world against us and inspired the very attacks of which Mr. Cheney complains."

Newsweek's Man in Baghdad Says Conditions Worse than We Can Imagine

Rod Nordland, the chief foreign correspondent for  Newsweek magazine and their Baghdad bureau chief from 2003 to 2005, says "Conditions in Iraq are a lot worse than is reported. The refreshments served at the media briefings
are inadequate. We need a variety of pastries and beverages, but the Department of Defense is only providing two types of coffee and three types of doughnuts. There should be like a pastry cart and some flavored lattes."

Nordland also complained about the content of the briefings. "The information they give us is skimpy and late," said Nordland. "We get no advance notice of military operations like who is going where and when or for what objective. It's like they're afraid we'll tip off the enemy or something."

Apparently, the army is also picky about which reporters are allowed along on embed missions. "If you work for an organization that has published classified information or have written that U.S. troops are murdering scum, you can get 'blacklisted' and not be allowed to accompany troops on a
mission," said Nordland. "This is discriminatory and unconstitutional. The press has an inalienable right to publish whatever it wants about the war and how it is being conducted irregardless of what some Neanderthal jarheads
think about how it might undermine the war effort or hurt troop morale."

The biggest problem, though, Nordland contends is how damaging the dry air is to your hair. "It doesn't really show up on the troops because they all have short hair," said Nordland. "But my hair is a mess. It's dry and brittle. I can't control it. You'd never know it, though, from the
information being released by the Bush Administration's lackeys. It's just one more lie to add to the huge pile they've already racked up."

Louisiana Congressman Demands Bribery Records Be Kept Sealed

A lawyer for Rep. William Jefferson (D-La.), the congressman under investigation for bribery, has demanded that the records seized from his Capitol Hill office be kept under until they are returned to him. The major concern appears to be future film and book rights.

"These alleged crimes were committed by Congressman Jefferson," said Aikeen Jabbar, Jefferson's lawyer. "Any future profits that may accrue from an exposition--either in print or on film--of these events would not have been
possible without Mr. Jefferson's efforts. Therefore, if there is to be any money made it rightfully belongs to him."

In addition to laying out a case for Jefferson's "authorship" rights, Jabbar also alleged that the investigation and media reports surrounding it were an invasion of Jefferson's privacy. "It's a sad day for America if a man cannot take a bribe confidentially in the privacy of his own office without news of it being splashed all over the media," said Jabbar. "The payment was between consenting adults. It's nobody else's business."

Jabbar asserted that since the money in question was "used for Congressman Jefferson's own personal enjoyment" the government's actions against him are motivated by "prurient curiosity." "Unless the records, props, devices and other materials seized are quietly returned, Congressman Jefferson could experience irreparable harm," said Jabbar.

Ahmadinejad Warns of Islamic Retaliation

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Iran's delusional president, warned that continued Israeli strikes against Palestinians could lead seriously impede Islamic tights to martyr themselves by killing Jews. "Palestinians need a secure space to plan and launch their attacks on the Zionists occupying their
land," said Ahmadinejad. "The Israeli army is disrupting this by invading that space."

Ahmadinejad complained that by targeting the source of continued Palestinian attacks on unarmed Israeli civilians, the Israeli army was thwarting the righteous vengeance of Islamic people. "Palestine has always been Muslim land," said Ahmadinejad. "Its people have the right to repel the Jewish invasion. Just because the Hamas gunmen are not strong enough to stand
against the Zionist troops doesn't mean that their right to slay Jews is forfeit."

Ahmadinejad conceded that the task of avoiding annihilation by Israeli troops was daunting, but told thousands of demonstrators gathered in the capital, Tehran, that a way would be found to strike at Israel's "soft underbelly of women and children."

In related news, Hamas released a statement asserting that Israeli Cpl. Gilad Shalit, who was kidnapped, was alive and being treated "in accordance with Islamic principles." These principles are believed to include hourly threats of beheading and reminders that, according to the Koran, Jews are
monkeys and pigs.

Planned Parenthood Says Abortion Decline Imperils Operations

In 1980-seven years after the Supreme Court issued the Roe v. Wade decision-29 of every 1,000 pregnancies were terminated by abortions. The rate has now declined to 21 per 1,000 pregnancies. Many states are reporting all-time lows since record keeping began in the 1970s. This trend has Planned Parenthood officials concerned.

"The trend is financially troubling," said Angela Mortenson, National Planned Parenthood's treasurer. "We need a steady revenue stream if we are to keep our clinics open."

Etta Young, communications director for Planned Parenthood blamed the anti-reproductive rights movement's success in getting state governments to enact restrictive measures. "It's hard to make a sale when state law requires doctors to explain the potential risks or when minors must get parental consent for a procedure," said Young. "Do convenience store owners have to explain the dangers of alcohol or tobacco to their customers? It wouldn't be very convenient if they did."

Young says Planned Parenthood is thinking of funding an ad campaign emphasizing that sex is fun. "Youngsters shouldn't be frightened into abstinence by the anti-abortion zealots," said Young. "We need to get the message across that sex is natural and fun. Young women need to feel confident that if anything goes wrong a doctor can save her from any undesired outcome."

Young said that the ad campaign is meant to complement the organization's ongoing defense of reproductive rights in the courts. "The Constitution guarantees our right to pursuit of happiness," said Young. "The right to have sex falls within this guarantee. Legislatures have no authority to restrict it by imposing conditions on medical remedies for unwanted
pregnancies resulting from the enjoyment of this fundamental right."

In related news, California Assemblywoman Noreen Evans (D-Santa Rosa) has introduced a bill (AB 2251) that would make it illegal to post information about abortion practitioners online. Evans said her bill is intended to
protect the privacy of medical professionals. "These people should be free to go about their business without fear of unwanted scrutiny," said Evans. "It's not as if they're like, child molesters or something. Well, maybe they are a little bit. But they haven't been convicted of anything yet. So, they
deserve privacy." Under the provisions of AB 2251, anyone who publishes information related to practitioners of abortion would be subject to the death penalty if any harm comes to the named practitioner.

Sen. John McCain Says He Doesn't Have a Temper

Reports that he may be too ill-tempered to trust with the presidency have riled Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.). "These reports are absurd," said McCain. "Anyone who thinks I can't control my temper is invited to meet my fist at a
time and place of his or her choosing. I may be old, but I can still knock your teeth out if you don't shut your mouth."


John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 500 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

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