JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Connecticut Man Puts Out Wife's Eye with Carrot

July 21, 2006

Roderick Vecsey put out his wife's eye with a carrot during an argument. Pamela Vecsey underwent six hours of surgery after being hit in the eye with the vegetable, but doctors were not able to restore her vision. Roderick
Vecsey has been charged with second-degree assault.

The incident inspired the Democratic National Committee to call for a moratorium on all sales of carrots and "similarly dangerous vegetables and/or fruits" to give authorities time to develop a plan to promote safer use of these foods. "Let this tragedy serve as a call to action for all who care about the health and safety of Americans," said Howard Dean, DNC
Chairman. "Unlike the Bush Administration, which has no plan for addressing this threat, we Democrats see the need for a comprehensive approach in order to ensure that this doesn't happen again."

The initial DNC proposal suggests that people should have to pass background checks and endure a mandatory waiting period before being allowed to purchase potentially dangerous vegetables or fruits. "We don't want people
committing an act in the heat of passion that they will later regret," said Dean. "If we can save one person's eyesight by ensuring these items don't get into the wrong hands it will be worth the effort."

In support of this proposal, Democratic Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, a representative from California, his introduced a bill that would budget $1.3 billion to study the problem and recommend ways to track dangerous fruits
and vegetables, as well as means to establish a registry of persons who would be barred from purchasing them.

Rights Body Criticizes U.S. Human Rights Record

A United Nations human rights body expressed grave concerns about the record of human rights in the United States. The American Civil Liberties Union is working with the U.N. Human Rights Committee to help build a case against the U.S. Thus far, four charges have been levied: (1) having a racially imbalanced prison population; (2) blocking the free migration of peoples; (3) forcing South Asians to operate convenience markets; (4) spying on terrorists.

"The U.S. should be ashamed of itself," said Bertram Petty of the ACLU. "These abuses are among the worst ever perpetrated by a government."

The ACLU proposed five initiatives aimed at remedying these human rights abuses. "First, we must release sufficient numbers of incarcerated minorities to achieve a prison population that matches the racial composition of the nation," said Petty. "Just as former president Bill Clinton strove to appoint a cabinet that 'looked like America,' so should
the nations' prisons."

"Second, we must immediately open the borders," Petty continued. "A national boundary must not be used to deny the poor of other nations the opportunity to seek the benefits of living in America."

"Third, convenience markets must be outlawed," Petty demanded. "They are a frivolous sop to a lazy and self-indulgent population. The displaced Asians should be given government funds to replace their lost income."

"Fourth, we need to end the war on terror," Petty advised. "As Rep. John Murtha (D-Penn.) has said, America is the biggest threat to peace in the world. Once we stop making war there will be peace. The so-called terrorist should be granted pensions."

"Finally, those U.S. officials responsible for these human rights abuses must be put on trial by the International Court at the Hague," Petty concluded. "It's about time Mr. Bush and his cronies pay for their crimes."

Iran's Ahmadinejad Sends Letter to Germany's Merkel

In a letter to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has chastized the German leadership for failure to reinstate "the enlightened anti-Zionist policies of the great Adolf Hitler." "Hitler was blocked from fulfilling the dream of a Jew-free world by the untimely
interference of the U.S. imperialist forces who invaded his country," wrote Ahmadinejad. "But he was headed in the right direction and made a good start. Why have you not taken steps to resume his great work?" Ahmadinejad
closed his letter saying that much to his regret that despite Germany's historical contribution to the battle against the Jewish pestilence, he was adding Germany to the list of nations slated to bear the consequences of "Muslims' righteous wrath."

Iran Says Israel Is Thwarting Prophecy

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says that his prophecy of the end of the Zionist state and the  extermination of the Jews is being endangered by "Israeli aggression."

"Islam is on the march," said Ahmadinejad. "The role for the Jews has been written--conversion or death. Jewish resistance to fulfilling this role is an act of aggression against Islam."

Ahmadinejad called for the UN to interpose itself between the "satanic forces of Zionism and the innocent Muslims of Palestine and Lebanon." "Thousands of innocent Muslims heretofore employed in the manufacture, transport and delivery of munitions have been thrown out of work," said
Ahmadinejad. "The normal economic and social activities of Muslims in Gaza and Lebanon have been disrupted. Many who had hoped to carry out martyr operations before the next Ramadan have been blocked from fulfilling their
aspirations. This is yet another crime for which the Jews must be made to pay."

Many observers have been puzzled by Ahmadinejad's remarks. Private Malachi Moscher of the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) is one of them. "I would have thought that confronting the IDF would provide abundant opportunities for martyrdom," said Moscher.

Makeen Muhdar of the Council of Imams says remarks like those of Pvt. Moscher reveal Jewish ignorance of Islam. "The true fulfillment of Islamic martyrdom requires that infidels be slain in the act," said Muhdar. "Face-to-face battles with the Israeli Army do not usually present realistic
prospects for fulfilling this requirement. Ambushing Jews in their homes, temples and places of recreation are much more likely to produce the desired outcomes."

In related news, Hizbullah rejected a ceasefire on terms offered by Israel, vowing to hide to the last man. "We dare the Jews to try to find us," said Abdullah Kasir, a member of Hizbullah's central committee. Kasir warned Israel to brace for more surprises. Hizbullah claims that it has developed a
"mall buster" missile capable of penetrating the "pathetically weak defenses of Israeli shopping centers and striking fear into the hearts of Jewish money-grubbers."

Dems Lament Failure of Minimum Wage Legislation

The Democratic National Committee issued a press release expressing its disappointment at congress's refusal to pass a new minimum wage. "The Republican approach to economic policy assumes that a growing economy will enrich everyone," said the press release. "This is false. The Republican low-tax approach only rewards those who work and invest. Their message to the dependent members of our society is a blunt 'get off your ass and get a job.' We say this is too harsh. We want voters to know that Democrats can be counted on to take care of everyone."

Specifically addressing the minimum wage issue the press release continued: "We Democrats want Americans to know that if our party gains a majority in congress they can be assured that we will work to guarantee that every American earns the minimum wage. If it takes an increase in taxes to
accomplish this, our party will not hesitate to take whatever action is necessary to achieve the equal income distribution that justice and common decency demands."

The statement concluded: "Republicans would have people believe that everyone desires to be rich and that it is possible to grow the economy in an effort to bring this about. This is deluded and misguided. We believe that it is not possible for everyone to be rich, but it is possible for everyone to be equal. We are willing to sacrifice the false promise of
prosperity for the surer reality of equality. Greater peace and happiness for the average American will spring from the certain knowledge that our program aims to prevent their neighbors from becoming better off than they are."

Iraq Rape Trial Hits Obstacle

US officials fear that religious hurdles in exhuming the body of a teenage girl could complicate the trial of American soldiers accused of raping and murdering her. Five soldiers from the 101st Airborne Division are accused of raping and murdering Abeer al-Janabi near the town of Mahmoudiya on March 12. A sixth soldier is accused of failing to report the crime.

The victim's male relatives have refused to allow her body to be exhumed because of objections from a Muslim cleric. Islamic law generally frowns on exhumations as desecration of the dead. Without the physical evidence, prosecutors must rely on statements from witnesses. This, too, presents a
dilemma.

Under Muslim law, the word of an infidel is of no weight. Accordingly, if a Muslim accuses and no Muslim witnesses can rebut the accusation, the U.S. troops must be presumed guilty.

In contrast, U.S. law requires that the best evidence available be presented. In the case of an alleged murder, forensic examination of the body would normally offer the best evidence for answering whether the deceased was raped and murdered. Without such evidence, the prosecution may not be able to clear the "beyond a reasonable doubt" threshold given the suspicion that U.S. troops might be wrongfully accused as a strategy by the
insurgents.

In a spirit of compromise, spokesmen for Muqtada al-Sadr have suggested "trial by camel." Under the procedure, each of the accused would choose a camel. This camel would be unfettered and placed within a circle 100 cubits in diameter. If the camel leaves the circle in the direction that corresponds to the location of Mecca from where the circle is drawn, the accused is judged innocent. If the camel leaves the circle in any other direction, the accused would be judged guilty.

This compromise solution has already been endorsed by former U.S. president Jimmy Carter as an "inspired and unbiased means of mediating between conflicting Muslim and U.S. legal standards."

Pakistani Youths Set Pizza Hut on Fire

Hundreds of Pakistani youths set fire to a Pizza Hut restaurant, two gas stations and a dozen vehicles in Karachi, after Saturday's funeral for Allama Hassan Turabi, a loony Islamic Shiite cleric killed in a suicide attack by a rival gang of Islamic lunatics. Hours earlier, Turabi was buried at a city cemetery after more than 8,000 people, beating their chests with their hands as a sign of grief, packed the city streets for his funeral.

Pizza Hut was targeted as a symbol of "infidel exploitation of the Muslim community" according to one rioter. "They are forcing haram and mushbooh (unclean) foods on us," said Gufi Kukohl, explaining why he helped burn down the Pizza Hut. "They are causing digestive pollution that is setting Muslim against Muslim."

Kukohl called the car burning a "reflex response." "It's just something we do," said Kukohl. "Last month I inadvertently burned my own car. For this I blame America. If Bush didn't make me so upset I wouldn't get so confused."

In related news, Chicago's city council has voted to outlaw fat. Reputedly, up to 50 percent of residents may be forced to leave the city or face jail time. Alderman Edward M. Burke characterized the measure as an effort to promote
the public health. "We want Chicago to be a healthful environment," said Burke. "This ordinance will give people the incentive to shed unhealthy blubber. If they can't make it on their own, our jails can help. They're equipped with state-of-the-art workout machines and weights."


John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 500 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John writes a recurring column for the East Valley Tribune.

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