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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Dems Vow a 'U-Turn' for America July 28, 2006 Reid’s counterpart in the House, Nancy Pelosi of California, said Democrats offer change. “Americans know the country is going in the wrong direction,” she said. “Our promise of unspecified ‘change’ can’t be topped by anything the Republicans have to offer.” Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean crowed over his party’s ingenious ploy. “The Republican appeal is limited to hard-working people willing to bear the burden of supporting themselves and fighting the war on terror,” said Dean. “Our message is one of relief from these oppressive responsibilities. Whatever the voters think is bad about their lives, our ‘u-turn’ slogan says a vote for Democrats will fix it.” In related news, Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, who lost the Mexican race for president to conservative rival Felipe Calderon, has proclaimed himself emperor of the world. “It is the will of the people of Earth that I become their emperor,” Lopez Obrador told Univision’s “Here and Now” television show. Clinton “Ruining” Harlem There was great fanfare when Bill Clinton decided to house his offices in Harlem after the end of his presidency. The community turned out to welcome him, declaring that his leasing offices in the area would spark an economic resurgence. Now, his formerly enthusiastic neighbors now blame him for the gentrification of Harlem that has destroyed the neighborhood. The Harlem Tenants Council hosted a protest outside President Clinton’s office. A protester who identified himself as “T-Bone” complained that the former president has “ruined” the neighborhood. “Me and my bros used to be able to hang out, smoke some crack and have good times,” said T-Bone. “But now there’s too many cops and suits cruisin’ around. Havin’ a celebrity next door has spoiled everything.” Retiree Esther Jackson said noisy parties and women coming and going at all hours of the night are wrecking her sleep. “I know Mr. Clinton is a young a virile man,” said Ms. Jackson. “We’d just like him to tone it down a bit, especially after midnight.” Clinton Foundation spokesperson, Cindy Love, apologized for any disturbances that bothered neighbors. “We want to be good neighbors,” said Love. “It’s just that the work of making a better world takes long hours. We’re not just working 9-5. We have a round-the-clock staff that must be ready to service the president whenever he gets an inspiration.” Nasrallah Complains Arabs are incensed that the United States is not doing more to rescue them from the Israeli onslaught in Gaza and Lebanon. Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, Secretary-General of Hezbollah (i.e., Party of God) complained that the U.S. is standing by while Israeli troops destroy his followers. “Everyone agrees that the Israeli actions are disproportionate,” said Nasrallah. “But no one is doing anything to stop them. Why isn’t America imposing restraint on Israel as they have before?” As an example of Israel’s disproportionate response, Nasrallah cited a recent attempt on his life by the Israeli Air Force. “I am being targeted directly,” Nasrallah complained. “We do not directly target Israel’s leaders. We attack ordinary, unimportant people. That’s why we developed the ‘mall buster’ missile. The IAF has crossed the line by marking me for death. The U.S. must make Israel see that this is an unwarranted escalation.” Thus far, Nasrallah’s pleas have not found a receptive audience from anyone in a position to do anything to save his hide. The Bush Administration has asserted that Israel has a right to defend itself. The U.S. House of Representatives voted 410-8 for a resolution expressing support for Israel’s actions. Nasrallah has only been able to inspire some lip service from his “Muslim brothers” in other Middle Eastern countries and the usual blathering from the anti-American crowd at the UN. Nasrallah says he fears for the future. “I need more than the words of impotent blowhards to rescue me,” wailed Nasrallah. “I am surrounded by spies and traitors. Sooner or later someone is going to collect on the price put on my head by Israel. This is a tragedy that the U.S. must avert if the region is to return to normal.” In related news, the New York Times rushed to publish information regarding the U.S. shipment of arms to Israel, but expressed regret that it could not be more specific as to time the shipment is to be made or the route ii is to take. “We pride ourselves in giving our readers the most complete and detailed information possible,” said Bill Keller, Times editor. “Many who may have wanted to make plans that hinge upon this information may be disappointed. To them we extend our sincerest regret.” PETA Demands Crackdown on Animal Cruelty Amy Nutt, spokeswoman for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, has demanded that Illinois animal abusers be prosecuted. Under the Illinois Humane Care for Animals Act, no person may cruelly treat or otherwise abuse any animal. In addition to the standard PETA objections to hunting and fishing, Ms. Nutt has also targeted the pest control businesses operating in the state. “Blowing the brains out of a duck or impaling a fish’s mouth and yanking it out of the water are bad enough,” said Nutt. “But so-called pest exterminators use weapons of mass destruction to poison rats, ants and cockroaches by the thousands--condemning these so-called vermin to agonizing deaths.” Nutt says pest exterminators should be prosecuted as “serial killers” for their repeated pattern of lethal behavior and “mass murderers” for the huge numbers of their victims. “Whole families of rats are wiped out,” said Nutt. “Survivors may be seriously disfigured. Rat pups may be orphaned. Mothers may lose an entire litter. And the carnage goes on with no end in sight.” “The law says ‘animal’ means every living creature,” Nutt continued. “We’re calling on the officials of the state to impose the penalties prescribed by law.” While the law (http://www.agr.state.il.us/Laws/humanecare.pdf) classifies most offenses as misdemeanors, repeated offenders may be treated as felons. “Anyone who runs a business where he accepts money to kill animals is obviously a repeat offender deserving of the maximum penalty,” said Nutt. “Do-it-yourselfers who put out a mouse trap or swat a fly would normally be guilty of only misdemeanors.” Nutt was unable to specify a quantity that had to be reached to qualify as a felon. “For now we’re focusing on the professional killers,” Nutt emphasized. “Until we get that under control we’re not going to try to draw a line for the casual killers among us.” Mugabe Blames Whites for His Country’s Woes Zimbabwe’s President Robert Mugabe blamed his country’s economic problems on the U.S., Britain and other “white” nations. Zimbabwe is in a state of economic collapse, suffering from an inflation rate of more than 1,000 percent and shortages of all basic goods. Four million people have fled the country since 2000 and millions more are dependent on foreign aid. The collapse is widely blamed on the seizure of white-owned farms which began in 2000. Mugabe’s solution is to give the secret police added powers to intercept mail, e-mail, telephone and cell phone communications. Mugabe, who has ruled Zimbabwe since independence in 1980, blamed the country’s woes on the “white traitors” who have fled the country—leaving impoverished blacks to fend for themselves. “For generations, these whites has breathed our air and squatted on our soil,” said Mugabe. “Taking our land back from them doesn’t begin to compensate us for all the years of use. They owe us back rent.” Mugabe demanded that “white” nations either pay this “back rent” or return the “escapees” to Zimbabwe’s jurisdiction so they can be made to “work off” their “debts.” Iranian President Calls for Israeli Cease-Fire Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called for a cease-fire in Lebanon, saying Hezbollah has used most of the weapons we provided and time is needed to replenish supplies. “Do you think it has been easy for Iran to arm our Muslim brothers in Lebanon?” asked Ahmadinejad. “It is difficult under ordinary circumstances. It is impossible under current conditions. Roads have been destroyed. Stashes of munitions have been exploded. There is no modicum of safety for the transport of these materials.” In addition to a cease-fire, Ahmadinejad demanded Israel pay to replace Hezbollah’s damaged and expended armaments and apologize for its actions. “We are calling on the parties to sit down for talks without any preliminary conditions other than those we have demanded,” he said, adding: “Jews have no business in the Middle East. These are Muslim lands. They have always been Muslim lands. The Jews must go back to where they came from if there is to be any peace in the region. They must compensate Hezbollah for the expenses it has incurred fighting the Jewish occupation of Muslim land and apologize before the entire world community.” Ahmadinejad suggested the Israeli attacks fit in with what he called a US effort to redraw the map of the Middle East to try to make the Jewish occupation permanent and legitimate. In a clear reference to the United States, Ahmadinejad also warned that “Iran is losing patience with Washington,” said an exasperated Ahmadinejad. “Bush is leading the American people to the brink of annihilation. Iran is a great world power. Don’t make us come out there and spank you.” Statement by Senator Kennedy on President Bush’s Stem Cell Veto Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) released the following statement on President Bush’s veto of stem cell legislation passed by the Senate: “With his swift veto today, the president may think he has put the issue of stem cell research behind him. He may think it is closed and forgotten. But, Mr. president, it is not over. Mr. president, we are here to say that as long as there are fetuses to be farmed, we will not give up. We will not allow an ideology focused on the narrow interests of the pro-life lobby to block progress. We will be back again and again and again until we end the cruel restrictions on using the discarded biological tissues for lifesaving research.” Democrats Push Bill to Outlaw Global Warming House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi announced that she is co-sponsoring legislation intended to stop global warming. H.R. 5642, the Safe Climate Act of 2006, was introduced by Rep. Henry Waxman (D-Calif.) and more than 30 other House Democrats. According to Waxman, the bill would stop global warming by outlawing all emissions of greenhouse gases after 2010. Beginning in 2011, it would be illegal for anyone to emit any greenhouse gases without first obtaining a permit from the Environmental Protection Agency. Applications for permits must be filed at least six months in advance of the anticipated release of any greenhouse gas and be accompanied by a non-refundable filing fee of $500 or $2 per ton—whichever is larger.
John Semmens'
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Democrats
plan to use a “u-turn” theme in their final push to wrest power from the
Republicans in the November elections. “It’s perfect,” said Senate
Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada. “Polls show a majority of
Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. Our
‘u-turn’ message can be anything the voter wants it to be. It’s every
direction other than the one we’re going now.”