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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Hezbollah Rocket Hits Israeli Hospital, Nasrallah Apologizes Aug. 5, 2006 “We were sitting around discussing our strategy for eliminating the Jewish occupation of Palestine when Ahmed pointed out that we had overlooked a key weak point in the Israeli state,” said Nasrallah. “We have always made it a point to target women and children. That’s a basic ‘no brainer.’ But we had overlooked the potential advantages of attacking the sick and lame.” Nasrallah pointed out that “Children may run away from an attack. Bed-ridden invalids are ‘sitting ducks.’ We looked at each other and laughed at our idiocy. Now, we have remedied this shortcoming and can be proud again. We’re just sorry it took so long for us to recognize this opportunity.” “Even if they are not killed by our missiles, the patients will still have to be moved,” Nasrallah observed. “They may die in the process. At the very least, Israeli resources will be tied down dealing with this problem.” In related news, the Syrian government has called for international celebrities to act as “human shields” in Lebanon. The idea is that, since the Israelis fear negative publicity, they are not likely to target them. The famous personalities will be able to guarantee the aid consignments get through to the Hezbollah “freedom fighters.” “We are hoping that former US president Jimmy Carter, Michael Moore, the ‘Dixie Chicks’ and others would be willing to drive trucks bringing desperately needed supplies into Lebanon,” said a spokesman for the Syrian government. “The Israelis would be forced to ceasefire lest they harm these beloved icons of the infidel culture.” UN Drug Operation Shut Down U.S. officials shut down a ring that’s smuggled tons of khat -- an illegal East African stimulant -- into this country over the past year and a half. The drugs seized have a street value of some $10 million, and the proceeds reportedly helped finance Somali warlords. According to the federal indictment, the ring used U.N. diplomatic pouches to smuggle the narcotics into the United States. Osman Osman, a Somali clerk in the U.N. mailroom, is believed to be the leader of the operation. UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan protested the U.S. government’s actions in the case. “These accused individuals were providing a highly useful service to many of our staff and members of the various delegations from around the world,” said Annan. “It’s hard to get good quality khat in New York City. You can’t just walk into Walgreens and buy it.” Annan contended that because the drugs were smuggled in diplomatic pouches they should have been immune to interdiction. “Diplomatic immunity is absolute,” said Annan. “Drugs, poisons, weapons, bombs--whatever goes into a diplomatic pouch--has absolute immunity from search and seizure. Our mail must be secure from interference if the UN is to carry out its important work in an environment of mutual trust and respect.” The Secretary-General’s formal protest demands that the seized drugs and money be returned and the accused individuals be exonerated. “This vital service must be restored,” said Annan. “Many of our members depend on a steady supply of khat to keep them going. All the seized assets must be returned and the accused individuals granted a New York City business license to establish legitimacy and prevent future recurrences of unwarranted interference from the police.” Khat is a natural stimulant from the Catha edulis plant, which grows in East Africa and Southern Arabia. The stimulant effects are btained by chewing the leaves of the plant. Extreme loquacity, inane laughing, and eventually semicoma may result. Used chronically, khat can lead to a form of delirium tremens. The effects of the drug may go a long way toward explaining what goes on in the UN. In related news, Iran has rejected the UN Security Council letter ordering it to stop sensitive nuclear work by the end of the month. UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan warns that this may require the UN to send a second, “harsher letter with fewer vowels and more ‘Ks’ and ‘Zs.’ Iran must learn that they cannot defy the UN without facing serious consequences.” ABA Demands President Be Silenced President Bush has made a habit out of attaching statements to the laws he signs. His purpose is to explain his interpretation of the law or to express his reservations about it. The American Bar Association has gone on record in opposition to this practice. According to Marvin Gecko, the bar association’s current president, such a statement might “undermine a future court’s creativity in how it interprets the law as applied in particular cases. We need flexible laws that can evolve with the times. The less said about the intent or interpretation at the time laws are passed and signed, the more flexibility there will be for judges to mold and modify it to meet the changing needs of society.” To remedy the situation the American Bar Association has demanded that President Bush be barred from making any statements regarding any law unless that statement has been first reviewed and approved by the ABA’s Policy Committee. “We must protect our form of government from being undermined by the invalid opinions of Mr. Bush,” said Gecko. “The law is too precious to be tampered with by anyone other than a properly trained member of the legal profession. We are the only ones competent to interpret the law. If Mr. Bush insists on offering his opinion he must clear it with us first. Otherwise, our government and way of life, as we have come to know it, may not survive.” Castro’s Intestinal Problem Doctors operating on the aging Cuban dictator were startled to discover a large mass of petrified excrement was the cause of his intestinal problems. “Apparently, Fidel hasn’t excreted normally in quite some time,” said Hermano Carnicero, one of the attending surgeons. “We can’t understand how he could have survived with such a condition.” Professor Manuel Transmisión at the University of Mexico City has a theory that may explain how Castro could have survived such a condition for so long. “Castro used to discharge excrement by means of lengthy speeches,” said Transmisión. “Much of what he said could be termed pure crap. Apparently, this served as an alternate means of eliminating bodily waste. In recent years, however, his speeches have been getting shorter. This has allowed the waste to accumulate in his body. The current blockage is the inevitable result.” “People could not comprehend how or why Castro would give nine-hour speeches,” said Transmisión. “Now we can see the therapeutic value these speeches had for the man. It would also explain his legendary bad-breath.” Castro, who turns 80 on August 13, said in a statement read on Cuban television that he would be out for “some weeks” following an operation to stem intestinal bloating. He spoke of “an acute intestinal distress with sustained gas pains, which forced me to undergo delicate surgery.” He said he would be taking several weeks’ rest. In the interim, absolute power has been entrusted in Fidel’s brother Raul who has pledge to “keep the Cuban people free from material temptations and the threat of capitalistic inroads during Fidel’s recuperation.” Raul also warned everyone “do not assume that Fidel’s absence will present an opportunity for counterrevolutionary activities. All opposition to the revolution my brother has made will continue to be ruthlessly crushed as long as I am in charge.” ‘‘Wake Up With Whoopi’’ Debut Sickens Dozens Emergency rooms throughout the New York metropolitan region experienced an influx of patients on the morning of July 31. It was the common symptoms that led health officials to pinpoint a common pathogen. “People were complaining of nausea, ringing in the ears, and severe anxiety,” said Downtown Jersey City Hospital emergency room triage nurse, Anita Mann. “I thought, when have I seen this before? Then it hit me. It was after Al Franken’s radio show first hit the New York airwaves.” Given this clue, the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene was able to identify Clear Channel Radio’s debut of “Wake Up With Whoopi” on WKTU-FM (Rhythmic CHR) as the likely cause. Commissioner Dr. Thomas R. Frieden confirmed the analysis. “Apparently, there is something about this program that sickens people. It’s a public health hazard, but we can’t stop it because it’s covered under the First Amendment’s right to freedom of speech. We advise people to change the station.” Ralph Burger, was one of the victims treated at the Downtown Jersey City Hospital. “I was awakened out of a deep sleep by my radio alarm clock,” said Burger. “Instead of the usual easy-listening music, my ears were assaulted by incoherent babbling. A wave of overpowering nausea floored me. Thankfully, my wife was able to drive me to the hospital.” Commissioner Frieden explained, “It’s the sudden shock that gets to people. The transition between sleep and consciousness is an especially vulnerable time. Fortunately, the audiences affected are small.” Judge Says California Needs to Hire Mental Health Workers for Legislature U.S. District Judge Lawrence Karlton ordered the Schwarzenegger administration to ask state lawmakers for the money to hire hundreds of mental health workers to tend to the needs of the legislators. The order is the latest in a string of actions in which federal overseers are driving reforms in the state’s troubled assembly. Separate lawsuits have placed federal courts in charge of much of the state’s legislative operations, including safety, employee discipline and health care and mental health systems. Last year, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Department of Finance estimated that California needed to hire an additional 552 mental health employees to deal with the unstable situation in the legislature, but never asked the Legislature to approve funding. “Legislators in California’s overcrowded assembly are acting crazy,” Michael Keating, the special master appointed by Karlton to oversee mental health improvements, wrote in a report unsealed with the judge’s order. “They’re like rats in a cage—gnawing at each other, eating their own young. It’s sickening. They need help.” A record number of legislators have experienced fits of incoherent babbling, many of them in full view of the public. That exceeded the previous record set in 2003. A 1991 class-action lawsuit led to the federal oversight of California’s mentally ill legislators. Schwarzenegger says he will comply with the court order, but observed “It’s kind of a ‘catch-22’ type of situation. The very same persons who need help may be too insane to approve the appropriation. That’s why I was reluctant to ask them before.” France’s Royal Wants Bill Clinton to Resolve Crisis in Lebanon Segolene Royal, the socialist hoping to become France’s first female president, called for former US president Bill Clinton to “insert himself” into Lebanon to try to resolve the crisis. “I am willing to give oral support if needed, but it may not be enough to make the warring parties come together,” said Royal. “Now that Israel and Hezbollah have come to blows, we need a person with more experience to insert himself into the crisis if an opening should present itself. That person, in my opinion, is President Clinton.” Michigan State University Op Ed Calls Pregnancy a “Sexually Transmitted Disease” In a July column, a sophomore at Michigan State University has declared that pregnancy is a “sexually transmitted disease.” Writing for The State News, the campus paper of Michigan State University, Ian Twitty writes, “Pregnancy symptoms read like those of a disease. There’s abdominal and other swelling of the body, fatigue, nausea. Let’s face it. Pregnancy is a disease. The decision as to whether to let the disease ‘run its course’ or cure it via abortion is purely a matter of personal preference. Anti-abortionists who claim that there is a moral or ethical dimension are hysterical liars.”
John Semmens'
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Hezbollah rocket has hit an Israeli Hospital in Naharya. Hezbollah
leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah apologized for the lengthy delay in
targeting the sick and lame.