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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Aug. 12, 2006 “We are poor, but we are happy,” said Ernesto, a cane field worker. “We have free health care.” Ernesto says he was grateful for the free health care the time the police cracked his skull and knocked out most of his teeth. “I was wearing a ‘vote for Pedro’ t-shirt,” Ernesto said with a nearly toothless smile. “You know, the one from that ‘Napoleon Dynamite’ movie. The police thought I was a counterrevolutionary. They beat me with sticks. ‘Who is Pedro?’ they kept asking. I was in the hospital for six-weeks. If it weren’t for Fidel I wouldn’t have had medical care. I’m too poor to pay for a hospital.” The low crime rate was cited by Chiquita, a prostitute, as a great achievement of the regime. “Who would rob me?” she asked. “I am poor. I have nothing to steal. It also helps me keep my weight down, which is important for my job.” Chiquita also praised the police. “Since I started paying them part of my earnings they look out for me,” Chiquita said. “One time, there was this guy wearing this stupid ‘Vote for Pedro’ shirt who was bothering me. He couldn’t pay and he wouldn’t go away. He was scaring away my customers. The police took him away. Why would anyone need to vote for Pedro anyway? Voting is just a way for capitalists to exploit the workers.” Jorge, recently released after completing a prison sentence for trying to leave the country expressed anxiety for the future. “I was barely saved from the biggest mistake of my life when they sank my boat and brought me back,” he said. “My head was filled with imperialist lies. I thought I wanted freedom and prosperity. Now I understand these are just lures to ensnare the working class. Who will protect us from these lures if Fidel dies? I fear no one could meet the challenge.” A government statement attributed to Raul Castro tried to reassure the Cuban people by reminding them that his brother was not officially dead yet. Meanwhile, the Cuban army has been mobilized to deter the U.S. from using Castro’s illness as an opportunity to invade the island. Meanwhile, National Assembly speaker Ricardo Alarcon returned from visiting a recuperating Fidel Castro describing the 79 year-old Cuban leader as “amazingly lifelike.” Carter-Mondale Team Up to Boost Jack Carter's Senate Campaign Former President Carter and his vice president, Walter Mondale, have joined forces to give verisimilitude to Carter's son, Jack's "back to the seventies" campaign theme. Jack Carter is seeking to unseat Nevada Republican Sen. John Ensign. The Carter-Mondale campaign event took place in Minnesota as a precautionary measure. It is duck season in Nevada and there were fears that the speeches given by Carter and Mondale might be misunderstood by trigger-happy duck hunters. "My dad and Walter are treasured reminders of the happy days of 1970s America," Jack Carter said. "Those were humbler times for Americans. We shared shortages at home. We turned the other cheek abroad." The cookout was marred when a fistfight broke out in the beer line. As part of the "back to the seventies" theme, beer was dispensed in five-ounce servings and partiers were required to observe an "odd/even" hour procedure--those whose Social Security numbers ended in an odd digit were allowed refills in the odd hours of the party, which ran from 4 to 7 p.m. The fight broke out near the end of the five o'clock hour amidst jostling for space in the line as the end of eligibility for "odds" neared. "It wasn't fair," complained Bud Miller. "The 'evens' were getting two hours access to the beer to our one. I spent the whole hour in that line, but before I could get my 14th refill--5 ounces isn't really much of a drink--our hour was up. I thought, at least they'd serve everyone who was in line before the time ran out, but I was wrong. When this smug 'even' said 'rules are rules' I socked him." Before the dispute could be resolved dozens had joined in. The 'odds' took several 'evens' hostage and tried to exchange them for unrestricted access to their own kegs of beer. "I was one of the ‘odds,’ but I tried to mediate," said Jimmy Carter. "No one would listen to me. Walter got a black eye--he was one of the 'evens' taken hostage. Eventually, the police came and busted up the party. Still, it brought back memories." Despite the unexpected expenses resulting from the fight, Jack Carter said he was hopeful that it would yield a net gain for his campaign, at least for now. Many of the attendees were lawyers and a spate of lawsuits can be anticipated. "I don't worry about possible lawsuits," said Carter. "At the pace our courts move, by the time a judgment could be reached my campaign will be out of money anyway." Venezuela's Chavez Denounces Israel, the U.S. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez denounced Israel for its attacks against Hezbollah and Hamas terrorists, comparing its operations to those of Hitler. In an interview with Al Jazeera, Chavez also criticized U.S. for “dragging the people of the Earth into an insidious web of materialism and greed.” "The Israelis are the aggressors," Chavez said. “They invaded Palestine in the 1940s and have occupied these Muslim lands ever since. It’s just like Hitler’s invasion of Poland.” Chavez defended Hezbollah’s and Hamas’ targeting of women and children as “forward-looking.” “Look, the Jewish occupation has gone on for generations,” said Chavez. “These Jewesses breed the children who will man future Israeli blitzkriegs against the rightful owners of these lands. Killing these women and their offspring now is a forward-looking strategy." “The U.S. is using the ‘almighty dollar’ to seduce people to sell them their precious resources,” said Chavez. “They are playing on our greed for materialistic desires.” Chavez says he hopes to lead his people away from “Yankee materialism” and toward a simpler and more natural way of living. “Fidel has shown the way away from crass materialism for the Cuban people, God bless him. They will not be too rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. I hope I can do as well for my people.” For now, Venezuela will continue to sell oil to the U.S. “Sadly, my country is addicted to American money,” Chavez admitted. Ahmadinejad Says Jewish Threat Must Be Countered Speaking at an emergency meeting of Muslim leaders in Malaysia, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that “United action against the Jews is imperative if their plan for world domination laid out 100 years ago in the Protocols of the Elders of Zion is to be thwarted. We must rid the world of this sub-human filth by any means possible if mankind is to be saved.” "An immediate cease-fire must be implemented if the final solution to the Jewish problem in the Middle East is to be achieved,” Ahmadinejad told meeting attendees. “The Zionists are pounding our Muslim brothers. We need time to regroup and rearm if the destruction of Israel is to be accomplished. The infidel dupes in Europe and America must be induced to restrain Israel before it is too late." Ahmadinejad said Iran is planning an emergency shipment of weapons to Hezbollah, but needs extra time due to the infrastructure damage in Lebanon done by Israeli forces. In related news, Iran has announced that should the UN attempt to punish their nation for its illegal nuclear program, the entire population will be summarily executed. “They will have the blood of over 65 million people on their hands,” said Ahmadinejad. “When they understand how stern we are with our own people, they will think twice about insulting Iran. They will learn the hard way that we are a mighty nation.” Arab League Wants to Amend UN Resolution The French draft resolution on the Crisis in Lebanon ran into trouble in the United Nations Security Council when the Arab League nations denounced it as “too harsh.” The resolution called for an in-place ceasefire and the warring sides to be separated by a continuous yellow “police-line-do-not-cross” tape. “This proposal is an insult to Muslims everywhere,” said Muhlhad Dumash, the ambassador from Syria. “It rewards Jewish aggression against Palestine.” The Arab League’s proposed amendment to the resolution calls for Israel to “meet the Palestinians halfway.” “We are proposing that Israeli troops be withdrawn to halfway between the Lebanon border and the Gaza Strip,” said Dumash. “And instead of the offensive yellow tape, we are suggesting that orange cones spaced at 100 meter intervals be used to mark the new temporary border.” Dumash characterized the cones as “less divisive.” “The cones are more of a ‘dotted line,’” said Dumash. “They convey a greater sense of openness and freedom of movement, which we think is essential to restoring the region to its proper state.” “We recognize that this is just a temporary arrangement,” Dumash admitted. “Ultimately, the Jews will have to leave the area if peace is to be fully accomplished.” The long term solution offered by the Arab Leagued called for a phased Jewish withdrawal from Palestine. The plan would permit Hamas and Hezbollah to periodically launch rockets, carry out raids, and conduct martyr operations “as needed to discourage stragglers.” In related news, an opinion poll showed that almost a quarter of British Muslims say the bus and subway bombings of last year are justified because of the British Government's support for the war on terror. “The British are interfering with the sacred Muslim right of jihad,” said Solhed Diapur, a poll respondent from London. “Muslims have a right to respond to this intrusion by any means necessary. Infidels must learn not to meddle in matters of Muslim faith.” Environmentalists Fell Tree to Protest Logging A 40-foot log used by protesters to block access to the Mike's Gulch timber salvage sale in Oregon’s Rogue River-Siskiyou National Forest was illegally cut from a nearby botanical area, according to forest officials. The tree was used to block the Eight Dollar Road bridge spanning the Illinois River. The Silver Creek Co. paid $300,052 for the fire-killed timber that was damaged by the 2002 "Biscuit" fire. Woodrow "Woody" Forest, a member of the Oxygen Collective environmental group, said his group was committed to stop the logging. "We aren't fooling around," said Forest. "We're going to stop this logging even if it means we have to cut down every tree in the forest." The seemingly nonsensical willingness to destroy the forest in order to prevent its conversion into timber was explained by Mr. Forest. "We are striking a blow at profiteering," said Forest. "These loggers are raping mother nature to satisfy their own greed. Even though we are also destroying the trees we are not doing it out of greed. We are doing it out of love." Forest likened his stance to that of a Muslim father who kills his daughter to protect her honor. "We are saving the trees from being prostituted for profit," said Forest. "It is better for these burned trees to rot where they fell as nature intended than for them to be 'sold into slavery' as lumber and exploited by self-serving humans." The Josephine County Sheriff's Office took Mr. Forest into custody where he will undergo a psychiatric evaluation.
John Semmens'
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The
recent health woes of long time dictator Fidel Castro has Cubans
thinking about the future—and the past. Castro has ruled the country
since 1959. Most of the population has known no other government.