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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Aug. 17, 2006 Dean didn’t confine his wrath to what he dubbed “those bumbling Muslim nincompoops.” He offered an alternative take on events that was more conspiratorial in nature. “How do we know it’s not a put up job?” Dean mused. “It’s easy to arrest people and claim they were going to launch an attack. Maybe there was no planned attack.” Dean asserted that the “trigger-happy duo” of Bush and Blair—the “killer Bs” as he called them—were, at best, escalating the violence against the U.S. and U.K. “These two act as if a ‘pluralistic society’ is the only acceptable way to govern,” Dean said. “Bush and Blair are risking our lives by foolishly espousing an abstract concept of liberty. Well, every suicide attack against us is a powerful vote for a different culture of governance. We need to take heed of these votes instead of blindly lashing out at this different point of view. The belligerence of Bush and Blair is escalating the conflict.” Dean said he still remains hopeful that memories of the “alleged” narrow escape from this latest terrorist attack will fade by November. “Football season will be starting, there’ll be the World Series, a new TV season—plenty of things to distract voters from the alleged success of Bush’s war on terror,” Dean said. “I’m confident our ‘u-turn for America’ theme will convince a majority to place their trust in our party.” In related news, the ACLU expressed dismay that a key tactic in the U.K.’s foiling of the plot to blow up airliners was a so-called “sneak-and-peek” program where British intelligence experts covertly broke into suspects homes and implanted listening devices. “This was an outrageous trampling of civil rights,” said ACLU spokesman, Bertram Petty. “Some may find comfort in the lives saved, but we see a greater danger in the privacy lost. We must do everything we can to ensure that this kind of intrusion doesn’t happen here.” Mike Wallace Says Ahmadinejad “a Swell Guy” In an interview with Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mike Wallace of CBS’s “Sixty Minutes” TV show came away quite impressed. "He's a swell guy,” Wallace said. “He really is. He's obviously smart as hell. He’s a college professor, for Christ’s sake. Nobody’s smarter than them." "Granted he wants to wipe Israel off the map, but I’m a Jew and he didn’t kill me when he had the chance,” Wallace continued. “You’ve got to give him credit for that. I found him an interesting man. He has some intriguing ideas.” One of the “intriguing ideas cited by Wallace was Ahmadinejad’s suggestion that the Jews of Israel could simply be relocated. “He suggested that a new homeland for the Jews could be established in Alaska, which I find fascinating," Wallace said. “He pointed out that if European Jews had been sent to Madagascar like the Nazis requested, they wouldn’t have had to kill them. You’ve got to admit he has a point there. And who are we to say that Iran’s stonings and hangings haven’t been a useful weapon in the battle against immorality?” Pre-Schoolers Must be Taught about Sodomy, Says Teachers Association The United Kingdom's National Union of Teachers (NUT) has demanded that nursery school’s must include homosexuality in the curriculum. NUT has asserted that children as young as three need to be taught to understand and accept the homosexual lifestyle. NUT wrote, "Hardly any of these children are exposed to the gay lifestyle at home. They’re effectively brainwashed into conventional ways of thinking. They have virtually no chance of choosing freely between gay and straight sex. That’s why it is particularly important to begin to make three to five-year-olds aware of the range of sexual activities that exist in the UK today.” NUT is a major advocate for the homosexual agenda. On the NUT website, a number of articles are posted on the Union's ongoing efforts to inculcate the values of homosexuality and the sexual revolution into the British teaching profession and classrooms. The union has published a number of children’s books that it hopes will be made required reading in UK schools. One series features a boy who has alternative lifestyle adventures. Titles in the series thus far include “Billy’s Bum Buddy,” “Billy’s Randy Uncle,” and “Billy’s Backdoor.” At the 2005, NUT "Pride in Education Conference," Steve Sinnott, the Union's General Secretary, told attendees that homosexuality was becoming an accepted norm in the education profession in Britain. “We want to create an environment where every child has a free an unfettered opportunity to learn about the pleasures of sodomy. Since parents are loath to present this information to their children it is the duty of the school to fill the breach.” Rangel Says Term “Islamofascist” an Insult In an appearance on the TV show “Hardball” Representative Charles Rangel (D-N.Y.) objected to President Bush’s the use of the term “Islamofascist” to describe the terrorists who blow up airplanes and buildings indiscriminately killing innocent men, women and children. “We gave Hitler, a white man, the benefit of the doubt in the 1930s,” said Rangel. “I know that turned out badly, but why shouldn’t brown men get the same benefit? Shouldn’t our policies be racially balanced.” “Besides, they haven’t killed that many people yet,” Rangel continued. “There ought to be some minimum number of deaths before we start calling them fascists. I mean, George Bush has killed more people than Osama bin Laden has and Hitler killed millions. Should we call them all fascists? To single out these Arabs and call them fascists is unfair and an insult.” In related news, in a bid to follow the lead of Zimbabwe’s President Robert Mugabe, the government of South Africa is threatening to expropriate the farms of whites. “Africa must be reserved for the black man,” said Land Affairs Minister Lulu Dingdong. “We are in charge now. The whites that were born here will have to get used to it if they want to stay here.” Plot to Disrupt Next Season’s “American Idol” Thwarted A scheme to disrupt next season’s “American Idol” was thwarted when an alert Wal-Mart employee grew suspicious and called Tuscola County (Michigan) central dispatch. The police apprehended three Middle Eastern men and confiscated 1,000 cell phones the men had bought on a cross-country shopping spree. Under the threat of being deported to Palestine the men confessed to being part of an al-Qaeda plot to jam the phone lines during the viewer voting phase of next season’s “American Idol” with votes for the ugliest and least talented contestant in order to “break the morale of the decadent infidels.” The phones were Nokia TracFones selling for $20 apiece. The TracFones are a nationwide prepaid wireless phone service and are even offered with international long distance capabilities. Maryland Senate Candidate Promises Cancer Cure Rep. Benjamin L. Cardin (D-Md.) gathered with cancer survivors and doctors in Lutherville to detail his efforts to fight the disease. "We are going to outlaw cancer by 2009," Cardin told a group of 15 people at the HopeWell Cancer Support Center on Falls Road. "If elected as your senator, I will introduce comprehensive legislation to ban this dread disease once and for all. Republican intransigence shouldn't stand in the way of a healthier America." Rube Dailey, who attended the event said, "I used to have cancer. My doctors didn't believe me, but then I heard Ben Cardin and I was cured. He saved my life. That 'intransigence' stuff just surged through my body, zapping those nasty cancers cells. He can save everyone's life if they would just listen to him." Cardin also got Bill Clinton's endorsement. "Hillary once told me that Ben knows more about health care than any member of Congress, and she's right," Clinton said. "Ben helped me lick a bad case of Herpes. He can lick your ailments too if you give him the chance." Frank Teller, a political scientist at the University of Maryland, said in the world of Democratic politics, Cardin's promises are not deemed unrealistic, "Grandiose promises, implausible nostrums and useless remedies sell well to Democratic primary voters," said Teller. "I call it the 'Peter Pan Principle.' In 'Peter Pan' thinking happy thoughts enables people to fly. Most Democrat voters believe that good intentions--'happy thoughts'--are sufficient to make even the most worthless ideas fly." Teller said voters should expect all of the Democratic senate candidates to imitate Cardin. "They are experienced Democratic politicians," Teller said. "They know their audience." Annan Says Hezbollah Attacks Don’t Violate Ceasefire UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan rejected Israeli’s claimed right to respond to Hezbollah’s post-ceasefire rocket attacks. “Hezbollah is not a state,” Annan explained. “It is a private association. The UN has no jurisdiction over its actions. Their weapons are private property. The UN can neither seize their arms nor restrict their use. Consequently, Hezbollah is not bound by the ceasefire agreement.” Annan asserted that the ceasefire agreement is between the states of Israel and Lebanon. “We are the United Nations,” Annan emphasized. “We make rules for nations. Since Israel was the aggressing nation—Israeli troops are in Lebanon, Lebanese troops are not in Israel—it must bear the primary responsibility for standing down in this conflict.” As part of the ceasefire agreement, Israel has been ordered to disclose the number of troops, their weapons, and their precise locations within Lebanon. Annan described this as a necessary step toward eliminating the Israeli presence in Lebanon. He said the issues of Israeli and U.S. paying to replace the private property destroyed and war crimes committed in the Israeli aggression have been deferred to a later date. Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has demanded that “the Zionist regime and the US must be made to pay for their crimes. The UN secretary general, himself, has promised me that he will take these war criminals to the international court for punishment.” Ahmadinejad has also suggested that Hezbollah retain the services of a sharp lawyer in pursuit of their claim for damages. “I understand that this John Edwards has been very successful in securing awards for his clients,” said Ahmadinejad. “Nasrallah could do a lot worse than to hire this infidel to sue the American government and their Zionist allies.” Judge Says Cigarette Companies Deceived Smokers A federal judge ruled that the nation's top cigarette makers violated racketeering laws, deceiving the public for years about the health hazards of smoking. U.S. District Judge Gladys Kessler said that the warnings on cigarette packages were a “diversion.” “We all know that the majority of Americans have a very limited attention span and many are functionally illiterate,” said Kessler. “The cigarette manufacturers went along with warning labels confident that their customers wouldn’t or couldn’t read the labels.” Kessler said that adoption of a national stop-smoking program, as sought by the government, "would be fruitless, given the reading deficiencies of the average person, not to mention the at-risk non-English speaking immigrants.” The Justice Department, which filed the lawsuit, expressed disappointment in Kessler's decision not to impose financial penalties against cigarette makers. Kessler ordered the defendants to pay the government's $140 million cost for pursing the lawsuit. “We worked hard and this is all we get?” complained DOJ spokesman Arnold Fule. “We were going to use cartoons to overcome the reading deficiencies that have allowed the tobacco industry to exploit its victims. Now, another generation will suffer.”
John Semmens'
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Howard
Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee has assailed the
“poor timing” of the recently thwarted al-Qaeda plot to blow up multiple
trans-Atlantic flights from the United Kingdom to the United States. “We
had the Republicans on the ropes,” Dean complained. “All the polls
showed us picking up dozens of seats in Congress—enough to take back the
majority and ensure the impeachment of President Bush, now this. Are
these terrorists idiots? Couldn’t they wait until after November?”