JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Democratic National Committee Claims Bush 'Too Fit' to Govern

August 5, 2005

President Bush received good news during his annual physical. Doctors pronounced the president to be in "superior" physical condition, which media reports attributed to his rigorous, six-day-a-week exercise routine.

Democratic National Committee spokesman Josh Earnest says the president’s physical fitness shows he is “too fit” to govern. “The average American is overweight and doughy. They deserve a president they can identify with,” said Earnest. “We at the DNC believe that Senator Kennedy is that person.”

Democrats Denounce Recess Appointment of Bolton

Sen. Christopher Dodd (D-Conn.) condemned President Bush’s recess appointment placing John Bolton at the United Nations. 

Under the Constitution, the president may issue an appointment and bypass Senate confirmation when it is in recess. Such an appointment ends when the next session of Congress begins — January 2007, in this case.

"This unfairly bypasses our right to filibuster Bolton’s nomination,” said Dodd. “We clearly feel Bolton’s undiplomatic behavior is not right for the UN. Bolton’s a head-cracker, not an effete snob. He won’t fit in."

Al-Gore Network Debuts, Muslims Confused

The debut of former Vice-President Al Gore’s TV network has some Muslim viewers dumbfounded.

“I am watching, thinking it is going to be like Al-Jazeera,” said Moamar Mukhad. “There is ranting and Bush is identified as the enemy, but there are no beheadings. And I’ve yet to hear the ‘death to America’ salutation we all look forward to.”

“Islamic kooks aren’t the audience I was hoping for,” said Gore. “But we’re fighting for all the viewers we can get. I suppose I can get more strident with my anti-Bush rhetoric, but we’re ruling out beheadings, for now.”

McCain, Graham Pushing Detainee Anti-Cruelty Bill

Smarting from barbed criticisms of the treatment of Jihadis in Gitmo Prison from Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ill.), Senators John McCain (R-Ariz.) and Lindsay Graham (R-S.C.) have introduced legislation aimed at addressing these abuses.

“Until Dick spoke up, I didn’t realize that the Gitmo inmates couldn’t get Al-Jazeera on their cable TV,” said McCain.

“I heard that the prayer rugs we’ve provided are made of synthetic fiber,” said Graham. “This is highly offensive to devout Muslims.”

The McCain/Graham bill would rectify the above cited abuses and as a show of good faith, reward prisoners who refrain from throwing their feces at guards with “Virgins in Paradise,” the magazine favored by four out of every five suicide bombers.

Dems Want More Docs

Unsatisfied with the 75,000 pages of documents authored by Supreme Court nominee John Roberts that was provided by the White House, Senate Democrats have charged Bush with obstruction of their advise-and-condemn role in the judicial nominee confirmation process.

“I need to see more,” said Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.). “Roberts is 50-years-old. He must have written more than just 75,000 pages of legal briefs and executive memoranda. Where are the grocery lists and greeting cards? How can we be expected to vote for a man whose life is being hidden from us?”

Valley Metro Has Plan to Thwart Terror Bombings

In light of the London bombings of subways, Richard Simonetta, CEO of Valley Metro Rail (Phoenix) has prepared what he calls “as rigorous an anti-terror campaign as we can muster.”

“All terrorists wishing to explode a bomb on the train will be required to obtain advance authorization,” says Simonetta. “My staff is designing a complicated and confusing application process. The multiple step application process will be lengthy. The idea is to tie them down with paperwork in the hope that they will get tired and give up their evil scheme.”

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