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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Aug. 25, 2006 “We want people to associate the Democratic Party with good times,” said Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean. “What could be better than a continuous holiday? Every day will be a day off of work. People get to spend more time with their families. It’ll be great.” Under the plan, every day would be a secular holiday of some sort. “There are a lot of great presidents birthdays—Franklin Roosevelt, Harry Truman, John Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson—we could be celebrating,” said Dean. “And there have been many other great suggestions.” The preliminary list is believed to include “Women’s Rights Day,” “Gay Pride Day,” and “Free Lunch Day.” “My favorite is ‘Free Lunch Day,’” said Dean. “On that day the law would require that all lunches be free. You get the day off AND a free lunch. The Republicans can’t beat that.” “If everyone has a holiday, who is going to serve the free lunches?” asked Republican National Chairman Ken Mehlman. “The Democrats plan is pure ‘feel good’ nonsense. They must think voters are complete idiots.” Dean said Mehlman’s remarks revealed the Republicans lack of vision. “Some people will be working on the holidays, but they will get paid ‘time-and-a-half’ because it’s a holiday,” Dean boasted. “And since everyday is a holiday, this amounts to an ‘across-the-board’ 50 percent pay raise for every worker.” Although the new calendar idea has received scant mention in the media, a Zogby poll had 72 percent of respondents liking the idea. “It’d be great,” said Johnny Loll, a refinery worker from New Jersey. “I could sleep-in, watch TV and get a raise. Finally, someone’s come up with a plan I can understand. I can’t wait for election day.” California Dems Propose Electoral College Reform Sen. Debra Bowen (D-Redondo Beach) has introduced legislation that would require that California’s 55 Electoral College votes be cast for the winner of the “American Idol” talent contest concluded closest to the date of the 2008 presidential election. “Few Americans know anything about and have little trust in the nominees of the two major parties,” said Bowen. “Polls show that Americans have a much greater interest in the ‘American Idol’ competition.” California Republicans reportedly are torn between what they say is the “blatant unconstitutionality” of the proposal and the realization that it may not be worse than what’s happened the last two presidential election cycles. “Look, the last two presidential elections California’s electoral votes went for Gore and Kerry,” said Sen. Tom McClintock (R-Thousand Oaks). “Considering who the Democrats are likely to nominate in 2008, who’s to say that a talented young singer would be a worse choice.” Democrats Announce Formation of “Tooth Squad” House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif.) announced the formation of Democrats new Tooth Squad. The Tooth Squad will be chaired by designated “tooth fairies” Congressmen Henry A. Waxman (D-Calif.) and Dennis Cardoza (D-Calif.). The Tooth Squad will oversee a program wherein money or other gifts are left under pillows in exchange for discarded teeth. “For too long, the responsibility for fulfilling the promise of the ‘tooth fairy’ has been left to parents,” Pelosi said. “Now, hard=pressed by the worst economy since the Great Depression, families are unable to carry on with this long-standing tradition. The Democratic Tooth Squad will step in to take up the slack.” The main gift in the “Tooth Squad” program will be the U.S. golden dollar coin featuring Sacagawea. Parents who would like a tooth fairy to place this coin under their son or daughter’s pillow can place a call to their Democratic district representative, if they have one, or to the current Democratic candidate for the House of Representatives if their is no incumbent Democratic Representative in their district. Participating parents are asked to make a donation to the Democratic National Committee. An amount of $100 is recommended. Survey Shows Men, Women Still Different According to a poll released by the Scripps Survey Research Center at Ohio University men are still chivalrous and protective of their womenfolk. Women like to shop and are fastidious. While such findings merely point out the obvious to most, some see them as evidence that the transformation of America into a gender-neutral society is not proceeding as rapidly as desired. Amanda Holden of the National Organization of Women is depressed over the “glacial pace of change” revealed by the survey. “The whole concept of chivalry is demeaning to women,” said Holden. “It implies that men are voluntarily doing women a favor. This is wrong.” Holden says that men opening doors for women, giving up their seats, or even sacrificing their lives as they did on the Titanic should be a matter of right, not an optional behavior. “We don’t want to be dependent upon a random act of kindness by strange males,” said Holden. “This is too uncertain a protection. We need laws requiring men to yield the right-of-way to women. A man choosing to give his place in a lifeboat to a woman should not be an option. The law should mandate it.” As Holden sees it, millennia of patriarchal dominance need to be balanced by an unspecified period of special entitlements as a form of “reparations.” “Women have been subjugated for thousands of years,” said Holden. “It’s men’s turn.” Lawsuit Sparks Change in “Ladies’ Night” Promotions A California lawyer, denied a free cap at an Oakland A’s game because they were reserved for ladies, has filed suit against the team to put a stop to the practice. Alfred Rava calls such giveaways ``sex discrimination on steroids.” He is also suing the Los Angeles Angels for giving away tote bags to women only on Mother’s Day. When Rava attended the Oakland game in 2004, he said he asked for one of the caps that were being given out. ``The woman laughed at me and said, `No, these are only for females,’” Rava said. “I felt so hurt and humiliated.” Rava says he filed the suits ``on behalf of other males who were denied giveaways because of their sex.” He is seeking damages of $4,000 on behalf of each man at “Ladies’ Night” games who did not receive the pink caps. In response to Rava’s suit, the Oakland A’s have changed their policy. Under the new policy, the sex of the recipients will not be an issue. In a promotion dubbed “Ladies Undergarment Night,” anyone attending the game who had a bra, panties or pantyhose on them or with them was entitled to receive the free giveaway, which in this instance was a lip gloss tube with the team logo on it. “Even Mr. Rava and others who are hard-up to get these giveaways can qualify,” said A’s spokesman, Bud Horney. “He doesn’t have to wear the bra. He just has to have it with him.” Horney characterized the promotion as similar to a “scavenger hunt” where people win prizes for collecting items on a specified list. Judge Rules Wiretaps of Terrorists Unconstitutional At the urging of the American Civil Liberties Union, Detroit Judge Anna Diggs Taylor has ordered the Bush Administration to shut down the National Security Agency’s wiretapping program. “Listening in on someone else’s phone calls is impolite,” said Taylor. “It is an intolerable invasion of privacy.” The judge brushed aside what she snidely referred to as “King George’s” argument that the taps were necessary to keep tabs on the adversaries of the United States. “There is no proof that all of the people being spied on are our adversaries,” Taylor observed. “Even if they are, it would be unfair to spy on them. This would be the equivalent of eavesdropping on the other team’s huddle. It’s not fair. Our Constitution requires fairness. It’s in one of the Amendments somewhere, I think. Therefore, these wiretaps are Unconstitutional.” Taliban Burns Afghan Schools At least 41 teachers and students have been killed over the past 12 months in a wave of attacks on the country’s schools. Education Minister Mohammed Hanif Atmar says attacks have closed more than 208 schools -- including 144 burned down. UNICEF estimates at least 100,000 children have been displaced. Most of the schools attacked are co-educational. The Taliban banned girls from school during its 5-year rule. “Educating women is Satan’s work,” said a statement issued by al-Qaeda. “A woman’s fate is to pleasure her man and raise his children. These schools are diverting them from the path Islam has laid out for them and defiling them.” Human Rights Watch said in some districts, every single school has been put out of commission. In related news, Dr. Gholam-Ali Afrouz, head of Iran’s Psychology and Psychiatry Organization, said his country is facing a severe shortage of psychiatrists. “You’ve seen and heard our country’s leaders,” said Afrouz. “Can there be any doubt that these men have serious mental problems?” Afrouz says he has asked the UN for an emergency shipment of 1,000 psychiatrists. “But no Jews,” he added. Murtha Sees Murder in Venezuela The bodies of eight unarmed people -- including two children -- were found burned, gagged and shot in a Venezuelan village near the Colombian border. Congressman John Murtha (D-Pa.) immediately pronounced American troops guilty of the massacre. “This fits the pattern of cold-blooded murder that characterizes our troops under the Bush Administration,” said Murtha. “We need to pull out of Venezuela before we do more harm.” So far as anyone else can tell, there are no U.S. troops in Venezuela. French Presidential Hopeful Ridicules Bush’s “Axis of Evil” One of France’s leading candidates for the presidency, Segolene Royal, dismissed US President George W. Bush’s “axis of evil” as simplistic. “The presumption that one’s adversaries are ‘evil’ impedes dialog and compromise,” Royal told more than 2,000 members of her Socialist Party. “Take 1944 as an example. France had reached a workable compromise with Germany, but a meddlesome duo of American and British invaders brought a wave of death and destruction to our country.” Royal’s speech marked an intensification of her efforts to get the party nomination to run in the presidential elections in April 2007. Polls show her with a 55 percent to 42 percent lead over Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy. Saddam Trials Projected to Last another 30 Years In the second of what promises to be a long series of trials for crimes against humanity, ex-Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein has once again refused to enter a plea. “I am the president of Iraq,” Hussein declared. “You pipsqueaks have no right to put me on trial. I have signed an order for your execution.” Hussein said as he waved a paper with his hand-written instructions calling for the torture and execution of everyone in the room. It was then that prosecutors in the trial of ex-Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein came to the startling realization that, at the current pace, given the lengthy list of crimes, the trials could last another three decades. “Virtually everyone who has lived under his regime has grievances,” said a source requesting anonymity. “All want Saddam to pay for his crimes against them. They will not be satisfied to see him punished for other crimes. Ironically, this means the man will probably die of old age.”
John Semmens'
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The
Democratic National Committee moved to penalize 2008 presidential
candidates who defied a new calendar designed to boost the Party’s
image. On the new calendar, every day is a holiday.