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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Aug. 31, 2006 The demotion of Pluto was seized on by the Democratic National Committee as another Bush Administration failure. “Not since the days of Herbert Hoover has our solar system had only eight planets,” said Howard Dean, DNC Chairman. “Bush has wrecked the economy, mismanaged the war on terror and, now, he’s lost an entire planet. Is there no end to the bungling of the worst president any country has ever had?” Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) asserted that the humiliation of the downgrading of the only planet discovered by an American was due to Bush’s diplomatic ineptitude. “I would have worked closely with our European allies to build the kind of international coalition necessary to avert tragedies like this,” Kerry proclaimed. Dean urged voters to elect Democrats lest “they wake up one morning to discover that the Supreme Court has been reduced to eight members, baseball teams limited to eight players, and cats have only eight lives.” Former U.S. President Carter Criticizes “Subservient” Blair Former U.S. president Jimmy Carter derided British Prime Minister Tony Blair for being “so compliant and subservient” to the Bush administration in Washington. “I have been surprised and extremely disappointed with Tony Blair’s behavior,” said Carter. “He is aligning himself with Bush and America when he should be joining with other Europeans to urge moderation in our dealings with those who have a different world view.” “We now have a situation where America is so unpopular overseas that, even in countries like Egypt and Jordan, our approval ratings are less than five percent,” said Carter, who pointed out that America’s approval ratings were twice as high when he was in the White House from 1977 to 1981. “When America suffered the 9/11 attacks, when our embassy in Iran was taken hostage, we had the sympathy of the world,” Carter added. “Bush has squandered that sympathy through his efforts to fight back. Fighting is hard and risky. You have to take action. You might not win. Sympathy is given to you. You don’t need to taken any action. You can’t lose.” “Bush has chosen the high risk option and Blair has been a prime enabler of this risky behavior,” Carter concluded. Fox News Crew Freed After Converting to Islam Gaza strip militants freed two Fox News journalists that they kidnapped. Correspondent Steve Centanni, 60, of Washington, D.C., and cameraman Olaf Wiig, 36, of New Zealand were seized in Gaza City on Aug. 14 by a previously unknown group calling itself the Holy Jihad Brigades. Centanni said that during his capture, he was held at times face down in a dark garage, tied up in painful positions, and that he and Wiig were forced at gunpoint to make statements, including that they had converted to Islam. Centanni later told Fox News that he found his captors “very persuasive.” “I have come out of this ordeal with the highest respect for Islam,” Centanni said. “I can see now that it is truly a religion of peace.” Senior Palestinian security officials said they would not try to arrest the kidnappers. “There was no crime,” said Palestinian Interior Minister Said Sahk. “These are traditional methods for converting unbelievers. The conversion has spared these captives from the eternal torments of Hell. For this they should be eternally grateful.” Dying Castro Said to Seek Absolution Rumors are circulating that a dying Fidel Castro has made inquiries about obtaining a “death bed” absolution from the Catholic Church. The move is described as a “hedging his bet” maneuver. As a Communist, Castro has long held that religion is the “opiate of the masses.” A statement attributed to Castro had him saying that “The absolution must come at the last minute so as not to interfere with my ability to govern. There are still counterrevolutionary conspirators who may need to be dealt with. I may need to crack a few heads before it’s all over.” Aides have reputedly assured Castro that he can still have people arrested and sign death warrants until the last minute. “As long as the absolution comes after the actions that might be deemed sinful, full forgiveness can still be attained,” said Jose Bergante, Castro’s legal advisor. Bergante brushed aside the possibility that a genuine priest might balk at giving last rites to the atheistic Cuban dictator. “Priests have parents, sisters, brothers, friends—there’ll be someone whose health and safety they’ll want to protect,” said Bergante. “I think we will be able to persuade one priest to perform the necessary steps at the appropriate time.” Castro’s brother, Raul, is said to be aiming higher. “For someone as important as my brother, I think maybe the Pope himself ought to administer the last rites,” said Raul. “We can take hostages if that is what is necessary to inspire the appropriate reverence and respect for Cuba’s greatest leader.” Blanco Demands Higher Class Housing for Disaster Refugees Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco (D) says that the United States needs a plan for long-term assistance to survivors of natural disasters like Hurricane Katrina. “America does not fully understand the need for emergency preparedness,” Blanco told a business forum. “There is no long-term shelter capacity in America, and it has to change.” Blanco demanded that the U.S. government keep an inventory of at least 100,000 vacant homes for emergency relocations due to disasters. “These need to be good homes in good neighborhoods, not crappy trailers and mobile homes like they provided for those displaced by Katrina,” Blanco insisted. “People should not be expected to take care of themselves. That’s the government’s job. This is America, after all.” New Orleans mayor, Ray Nagin (D) generally endorsed Blanco’s plan, but urged that race be taken into consideration in relocation plans, lest “chocolate people” be discriminated against. Attempted Reform Outrages Muslim Fundamentalists Pakistan’s President Pervez Musharraf has opened a bitter confrontation with Muslim fundamentalists by trying to rewrite Pakistan’s rape laws. The current laws place an almost impossible burden of proof on women by compelling them to produce four male Muslim witnesses to prove rape or risk being convicted of adultery and face death by stoning. This law, known as the Hudood Ordinance. The proposed reform would reduce the number of witnesses required to two and give the condemned the option of being hanged instead of stoned. The reform would also set 16 as the age of consent for sex with girls. The proposed reforms were vehemently denounced by the fundamentalist opposition. “The Hudood laws protect men from the seductive allure of adulterous women,” said Maulana Fazlur Rehman, the leader of the militant opposition. “If women would stay at home and only go out in the company of a male relative—like it says in the Quran—they would not have to make false rape charges to try to cover up their immoral behavior.” Rehman also objected to setting such an advanced age for consent. “Would they have us take hirsute and wrinkled crones as wives?” asked Rehman. “For this blasphemy, Musharraf deserves to be killed.” Obesity Rise Spurs Call for Action The latest statistics continue to show an increase in obesity among Americans. At last count, 31 states showed an increase in obesity compared to the last estimate. The data comes from an annual random sampling of adults via the telephone. The trend toward a fatter America has been labeled a crisis by some and has inspired calls for dramatic reforms aimed at combating the problem. One organization promoting a healthier America is the Foundation Lobbying Against Bloat. Marjorie Lass, chairman of the group says the government must take the lead. “People can’t be trusted to control their own appetites or work-off excess calories,” said Lass. “The choice must be taken out of their hands.” Lass suggested a number of reforms that his organization is pressing the government to mandate. These include the following: 1. Mandatory annual physical check-ups. Anyone found to be obese will be required to join a gym and attend daily fitness training classes. Those who fail to comply with this voluntary program will be sent to a “boot camp” run by ex-Marine drill sergeants. 2. Domestic food audits. Health Department officers will conduct random checks of refrigerators and pantries. Foods designated as insufficiently nutritional or containing excessive quantities of fat will be confiscated. If any of the residents are deemed obese they will be required to join a gym (see #1). 3. Change the building codes. Restaurants doors will be narrowed to 18 inches. Drive-thrus will be outlawed. Supermarket carts will be prohibited. All parking will be abolished. “We’ve tried warnings and informational approaches, but people are still overeating,” said Lass. “It’s time for some ‘tough love.’“ Lass said his group’s thinking has been influenced by the government’s steps against tobacco use. “Smoking used to be considered a personal choice, but people abused that choice by not making wise decisions,” Lass observed. “It’s the same thing with obesity. People have been making unwise choices. We need to narrow the range so that only healthy choices are left.” Iranian President Challenges Bush to Debate President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad challenged President Bush to a televised debate. “This will be a civilized way for us to air our differences,” Ahmadinejad said. The proposed topic of the debate is “Resolved: the United States is a force for evil in the world.” “I will, of course, be taking the affirmative position,” Ahmadinejad said. “Bush will try to defend against my irrefutable arguments,” Ahmadinejad boasted. “Look at what America has done. In the 1940s they stopped Germany from ridding the world of the Jewish pestilence. Then they nuked Japan. In the 1960s they embargoed Cuba and ravaged Vietnam. In the 1980s they elected Ronald Reagan. In the 1990s their president committed immoral acts. Now Bush sends his crusaders to steal Muslim oil. I’ve got him in a hole before the debate even begins.” Ahmadinejad demanded that the debate be televised live in the U.S. so it would be uncensored and give the American people the opportunity of hearing the truth. “For too long the American people have been suffocated by Bush’s lies,” Ahmadinejad asserted. “They should be exposed to the truth so that they may peacefully come to Islam.” Ahmadinejad rejected the idea that the debate also be broadcast live in Iran. “The people of Iran already know the truth,” said Ahmadinejad. “There is no need for them to hear America’s propaganda.” Ahmadinejad also said Iran would consider renewing ties with the United States if the U.S. government apologizes for past insults. “After the 1979 Islamic revolution, Iran was forced to provide room-and-board for virtually the entire staff of the U.S. embassy for over 400 days,” Ahmadinejad complained. “They haven’t paid a cent to reimburse us for these expenses.”
John Semmens'
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Astronomers
voted for a sweeping reclassification of the solar system. Pluto was
demoted to the status of a “dwarf planet.” In the new solar system as
defined by the International Astronomical Union, there are eight planets
instead of nine.