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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Rumsfeld Use of Word 'Appease' Irks Dems Sept. 18, 2006 “I never said ‘appease,’” protested Representative John Murtha (D-Penn). “I said we should assuage the fears of the Muslims by pulling our troops out of their countries.” “Mollify is the term I use,” said Senator Russ Feingold (D-Wisc). “I am no appeaser. I am a ‘mollifier.’” “At first, I was for placating our adversaries,” said Senator John Kerry (D-Mass). “Later I switched to favor propitiation. But now I agree with Senator Feinberg. I think we should mollify them. Parenthetically, if I may interject, they would most likely have been placated, propitiated and/or mollified by now if I had been elected president in 2004. But never, ever would I appease them. Rumsfeld is slandering me.” “I am no appeaser,” said Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass). “Getting bombed has always struck me as the better option. Rumsfeld needs to apologize and resign.” “This is almost as bad as the ‘cut-run-surrender’ smear the Republicans have been trying to lay on us,” Howard Dean, Democratic National Committee Chairman, complained. “We never said that. Our position is that the U.S. should disengage, flee and yield. And we aren’t waving a white flag. It’s ‘cream.’” Thus far, Rumsfeld has declined to apologize, resign, or respond to the Democrats’ complaints. “How can I respond?” Rumsfeld asked. “Their position is incoherent. Appease, mollify, placate, whatever—it’s all the same thing.” The Democrats’ stance received an endorsement from Iran. "The United States is too weak to prevail over the holy forces of Islam," Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki said during a meeting with a visiting Syrian foreign ministry official. “The American people should heed the advice of leaders such as Senator Kerry and Congressman Murtha. It is the only way they can save their necks from the avenging sword of righteous jihad. We are prepared to be mollified, placated or propitiated—or whatever the infidels choose to call it.” In related news, Iran has also suggested that U.S. troops leave Iraq. “The American occupiers must leave Iraq,” government spokesman Gholam-Hossein Elham said. “Their goals have been achieved. Saddam has been deposed. The weapons of mass destruction threat has been ended. A constitution has been completed. A new government has been elected. The Americans have won. They can go home now.” GDP Growth Higher than First Reported The U.S. economy was stronger than initially reported during the second quarter. The Commerce Department revised gross domestic product growth upward to 2.9%. The advance reading last month had shown the economy growing at a 2.5% annual pace. Core inflation increased 2.8% during the second quarter, down slightly from 2.9% in the advance report. Final sales were revised higher to 2.3% from 2.1%. Spending on durable goods reversed a previously reported 0.5% decline and was revised to a 0.5% advance. Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee labeled the Commerce Department announcement “unwelcome news.” “This contradicts our whole economic message,” Dean complained. “The original figures were bad enough and by now almost everyone had forgotten what they were. Now, we have new memories to we have to try to erase. Thank God it’s football season.” In related news, the U.S. offer to Russia to help track down the killers of four Russian diplomats and an embassy worker in Iraq sparked a separate complaint from Senator John Kerry (D-Mass). “I’m the one foreign governments want to cooperate with,” said Kerry. “What can the Soviets be thinking to even consider accepting such an offer? Don’t they realize it could undermine our efforts to bring down the Republican regime? It must be the vodka.” Sheehan Signs Accord with Insurgents Iraq War protester, Cindy Sheehan announced that she has signed a mutual non-aggression pact with Muqtada al-Sadr, leader of the Shiite faction currently engaged in armed opposition to the elected Iraqi government. The agreement specifies that Sadr will not have Ms. Sheehan killed as long as she stays out of his reach. Sheehan brandished her agreement as “proof that there is a peaceful alternative to Bush’s warmongering.” “If a lone, grieving mother can reach a peace agreement, why can’t ‘all the king’s horses and all the king’s men’ of the Bush Administration?” Sheehan jibed. “Muqie promised me that as long as I stay out of his way I’ll be safe. If my son had done that instead of joining Bush’s legion of murderers he’d be alive today.” For his part, Sadr characterized the interaction as “a gift to a grieving mother.” “This foolish woman has been a gnat buzzing around the head of the Great Satan,” Sadr explained. “For this favor we are grateful. One day, she will be given the opportunity to come to Islam. Until then she will be safe in America.” A codicil of the agreement calls for Sheehan to be a witness against Bush in his forthcoming trial for war crimes. “I am so looking forward to that,” Sheehan said. “Americans, even though they don't kill every innocent Iraqi, are responsible for 100 percent of the deaths. As the leader of the American war machine, Bush must bear the responsibility and pay the ultimate price for these atrocities.”” In related news, police in Tehran have intensified their efforts to see that women adhere to Muslim standards of modesty. Women judged to be improperly veiled face arrest and flogging. “The showing of skin, no matter how slight, is the first step on the path to immorality,” asserts President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “It is better that these women be beaten or even killed than for us to allow them to risk sending their souls to the fiery pits of Hell.” Teachers in California School Told to Lower Expectations Victor Valley Union High School District Superintendent, William Weiner, said teachers need to learn to interpret their students’ body language. “Teacher should not provoke students by asking them for their homework, insisting that they take their seats, or that they refrain from using foul language,” Weiner said. “It’s their school too. We have no right to make demands on them. We can’t expect to confine them to a routine that they reject. And we certainly can’t stifle their freedom of speech just because it is inelegant.” Not all teachers are comfortable with the new “emphasis.” “They say it’s not a new policy, but it looks new to me,” said a teacher who asked that her name be withheld to avoid potential retaliation for criticizing her superiors. “How are we supposed to teach these kids if they are free to roam about the room, don’t have to do homework and can curse and intimidate us without repercussions?” Apprised of the dissent within the ranks, Weiner said it was cause for disciplinary action. “We will track this person down, whoever she may be,” Weiner promised. “We cannot abide such disrespectful attitudes.” In related news, the California Assembly, on a straight party-line vote (43 Democrats for, 27 Republicans against) approved a measure that would send illegal immigrants to the head of the line for state financial aid when they attend California colleges and universities. “Mexicans already suffer from discrimination,” said Assemblyman Hector De La Torre (D-South Gate). “We owe them a break. Besides, this is just a small down payment on the reparations we owe for stealing this land from them over 100 years ago.” European Leaders Seething Over Iran European governments are royally peeved at Iran for its intransigence over its nuclear program. Tehran refused to stop work on its nuclear program by the August 31 deadline. Iran is said to face the threat of Security Council sanctions. In Europe, governments expressed varying degrees of disappointment at Iran's stance but were united in their determination to take strong measures against Iran. French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin regretted "very strongly" what he called Iran's insufficient response. "We must now inflict Iran with more dialog," Villepin said after talks with Italian Prime Minister Romano Prodi in Rome. British Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett stressed “Dialog is insufficient to convey the seriousness of our intentions. We must insist on further rounds of negotiations.” Villepin characterized the British position as “harsh” and “potentially incendiary.” “The situation is too tense for us to proceed directly to another round of negotiations without first engaging in more dialog,” said Villepin. Russia said dialog and negotiations would only exacerbate the situation. "We take into account the experience of the past and we cannot ally ourselves with such a punitive stance," said Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov. “The key to diverting Iran from developing nuclear weapons is for us to supply them. Russia has a wide selection of surplus nuclear weapons available at affordable prices.” Iran remained defiant. “Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will never hurt us,” Foreign Ministry spokesman Hamid Cheza Anri said. "The Islamic Republic of Iran believes the only possible way to achieve fair and acceptable results for all parties is through the unification of all peoples under Islam." In related news, Iran's president Ahmadinejad urged students to push for a purge of liberal and secular university teachers. “I have heard that some are teaching that the world is a sphere,” Ahmadinejad exclaimed. “Others dismiss witchcraft as a ‘foolish superstition.’ These heresies must be stopped.” Ahmadinejad’s regime also has launched crackdowns on independent journalists, Web sites and bloggers. “There will be no pajamadeen in Iran,” Ahmadinejad vowed. Armadillo Migration Sparks Democrat Panic The nine-banded armadillo, a species native to Mexico, crossed the border into Texas 150 years ago and has been spotted as far north as Illinois. “The northward migration of this normally warm-weather species confirms my contention that global warning is a greater threat to America than Islamic terrorism,” said former vice-president Al Gore. “We must redeploy our troops from the failed Iraqi war so we can protect our families from this domestic invasion.” Representative John Murtha (D-Penn) has promised to introduce legislation requiring the troop redeployment. “I have been saying for some time now that we’ve lost in Iraq and need to redeploy our troops,” Murtha said. “I know I said Okinawa, but I meant to say Omaha—which looks to be the front line against this new invader.” Murtha pointed out that the armadillos are armor-plated, which he says demonstrates hostile intent. “If their intentions were peaceful they’d have no need for this armor,” Murtha observed. “This is eerily similar to the Israeli use of armor in their recent aggression against Hezbollah in Lebanon. Armadillos have strong claws. They use them to help in digging, or to tear apart rotting wood. They must be stopped before they destroy homes and our way of life.” The panic may be
explained by Armadillos’ diet. They eat small invertebrates, which may
make them especially dangerous to core Democratic voters. John Semmens'
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In
a speech to the American Legion Convention in Salt Lake City, Secretary
Rumsfeld asked “Can we truly afford to believe that somehow, some way,
vicious extremists can be appeased?” Inasmuch as the term “appeasement”
is widely associated with unsuccessful pre-World War II efforts to deter
Adolf Hitler from starting a war, Democratic critics of President Bush’s
handling of the war on terror were quick to take offense.