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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Six Flags Roach-Eating Contest Irks PETA Sept. 29, 2006 Amy Nutt, a spokeswoman for the animal rights organization said the contest at the amusement park is “gratuitously cruel.” “Cockroaches are gentle, complex animals,” said Nutt. “It’s a sad day for America when a small creature can be abused for sport.” Nutt suggested that Six Flags should allow line-jumping for those who have had an abortion. “People are the problem,” said Nutt. “We should be rewarding those who are taking steps to remedy this problem, not encouraging further cruel exploitation of animals.” There are 30 Six Flags parks in the United States. It is unknown how many will be participating in the cockroach eating promotion. The contest is slated to run throughout October. Iraqis Back Attacks on Nearly Everyone A poll by the University of Maryland’s Program on International Policy Attitudes, found that six in 10 Iraqis say they approve of attacks on U.S.-led forces, and slightly more than that want their government to ask U.S. troops to leave within a year. “The American troops are interfering with our jihad against the Shiite heretics,” said Muhammed Dumbah, a Sunni poll respondent from Fallujah. “These defilers of Islam must be slain. It is our duty to slay them. The Americans are meddling where they don’t belong.” These sentiments were, unsurprisingly, echoed by poll respondent Mohammed Nadir, a member of the Sadr Brigade, a Shiite militia group. “We must rid Iraq of the Sunni apostates by any means necessary,” said Nadir. “If U.S. troops get in our way we will kill them.” In the poll’s “death to________________” section respondents named Osama bin Laden, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Saddam Hussein, the Kurds, Iraqi President Jalal Talibani, Jews, George Bush, America and assorted annoying neighbors. “My neighbor Akmed’s goat pen reeks,” said Ikri al-Nitanda, a respondent from Bagdad. “And the noise these creatures make—it keeps me from sleeping. So, I say death to Akmed.” The poll, which included an over-sample of 150 demented lunatics, who researchers believe represent the “true feelings” of Iraqi’s “silent majority,” has a margin of error of plus or minus 3 percentage points. In related news, one of Germany’s foremost opera houses has abruptly canceled a modern production of Mozart’s “Idomeneo” because of fears of a violent reaction to a scene showing the severed head of the Prophet Mohammed. “We know that Islam is a religion of peace, but we were afraid the Muslims would kill us,” said an anonymous opera house official from an undisclosed location. Study Says Abortion Notification, Consent Laws Reduce Risky Teen Sex Laws that require minors to notify or get the consent of one or both parents before a teen can have an abortion reduce risky sexual behavior among teens, according to Jonathan Klick, Professor of Law at Florida State University, and Thomas Stratmann, professor of economics at George Mason University. The researchers found that teen gonorrhea rates dropped by an average of 20 percent for Hispanic girls and 12 percent for white girls in states where parental notification laws were in effect. "This suggests that Hispanic and white teenage girls are forward looking in their sex decisions, and they systematically view informing their parents and obtaining parental consent as additional costs in obtaining an abortion, inducing them to engage in less risky sex when parental involvement laws are adopted," Klick said. Planned Parenthood assailed the study as “another rightwing attack on a woman’s inviolable right to reproductive freedom.” “These people just don’t get it,” said Etta Young, PIO for PPA. “The Supreme Court has established a woman’s inviolable right to decide whether to have an abortion. No amount of research can change that ruling.” “Even if it were true that such laws reduced sexually transmitted disease, the point is they interfere with a Constitutionally protected right,” said Young. “States have no authority to engage in social engineering once the court has spoken.” Young said PPA is considering legal action to bar this type of “pointless and pernicious academic scribbling.” Government to End “Catch-and-Release” Policy Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff says that a year-long investigation into the government’s practice of releasing illegal immigrants after their arrest has discovered the cause of the problem. “We had mistakenly sent the Immigration and Naturalization Services enforcement officers manuals from the Virginia Game and Fish Department,” said Chertoff. “It’s really quite funny when you know the details.” The boxes containing the manuals had been slated for recycling because of typographical errors. The key typo from the INS perspective was the one specifying that Mexicans under 6 feet had to be released back into the wild. “It was supposed to say Mexican Goatfish under 6 inches had to be released into the wild,” said a chuckling Chertoff. The mix-up has led to INS agents releasing millions of illegal aliens back into American society. “I know it sounds ridiculous,” Chertoff admitted. “But that’s bureaucracy for you—a veritable ‘Comedy of Errors.’” Dems Dismiss Gratitude of Iraqi & Afghanistan Presidents An open letter from Jalal Talabani, President of Iraq, expressing gratitude for America’s help in the battle for democracy and against despotism. “Without your commitment, our struggle against despotism could not have made the progress that we have achieved,” Talabani wrote. “Thanks to the United States, we are transforming Iraq from a country that was ruled by fear, repression and dictatorship into a country that is ruled by democracy and has the values of equality, tolerance, human rights and the rule of law at its heart.” In an interview with reporters, Afghan President Hamid Karzai thanked the U.S. military for liberating Afghanistan from the oppressive Taliban regime and for providing security as the country works to rebuild its institutions and infrastructure. “My message for the American soldiers in Afghanistan is that they have liberated us from tyranny, from terrorism, from oppression, from occupation into a country that is now moving towards prosperity, that is once again the home of all Afghans,” Karzai said. The from these two foreign leaders was immediately dismissed as “more lies from the Bush Administration” by Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee. “Our sources say this war on terror has been a complete failure.” Dean cited Michael Moore, Cindy Sheehan and Congressman John Murtha (D-Penn.) as more reliable sources for a true picture of the Iraq situation. “Moore has documented the lies of the Bush Administration from day-one of this war,” Dean said. “Cindy Sheehan lost her son in this war. You can’t find a better harbinger of truth than a grieving mother. And Congressman Murtha fought in Vietnam. Who could know more about war than a decorated veteran. Are we to take the word of Bush’s puppets against these rock-solid Americans?” Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) also derided the these expressions of gratitude. “As a young man, I fought in Vietnam,” Kerry reminded. “I bled for my country. I participated in and witnessed the cruelties and futility of war first-hand. From my vantage point, I can see no good coming of America’s involvement in the war on terror. My gut says it is a lost cause, just like Vietnam was. A letter from the Talabani—the very guys we’re fighting Afghanistan—should confirm the hopelessness of this ill-conceived war. If only the American people had listened to me in 2004, we wouldn’t be in this mess.” Clinton Defends Himself in Fox Interview In a combative interview on “Fox News Sunday,” former President Clinton defended his handling of the threat posed by Osama bin Laden, saying he would’ve gotten bin Laden if he hadn’t been distracted by attacks from the vast rightwing conspiracy. “I spent many long hours groping for an answer to the terrorist threat, but my political enemies hounded me with flimsy allegations of illicit affairs and perjury,” Clinton complained. “I bombed some places—Africa and some others, I’m pretty sure. I shot down Iraqi planes. I denounced Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction. I mentored Ms. Lewinski. What more could I have done? I was only president for eight years.” Clinton contrasted his efforts with the Bush Administration’s “eight long months of passivity between January and September 11. “Sure, Bush has bombed a lot of places since 9-11, but who did he bomb before then?” Clinton demanded to know. “And what about mentoring? I don’t recall any mention of that.” Kathleen Willey, the alleged target in one of Clinton’s “escapades,” said she found his choice of words interesting. “Apparently, he thought the answer to the terrorist threat must have been in my bra, because that’s where he did most of his groping on me,” said Willey. Bush's Foreign Policy a Mess, Says Albright In a speech at the University of Arkansas Clinton School of Public Service and the Clinton Foundation, former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright called the Bush administration's foreign policy a "mess." “It’s like Bush is obsessed with this so-called ‘war on terror,’” Albright said. “There are other issues you know.” Pressed for an enumeration of these “other issues” Albright suggested that reparations for the slave trade is an issue that has yet to be resolved. “President Clinton started us off on the right foot when he apologized for the 18th century slave trade,” said Albright. “We need to follow up with negotiations over how much the U.S. should pay to the African governments as reparations. This is the only way we can relieve our collective guilt.” “Then there’s the UN,” Albright continued. “We could always do more there.” Albright criticized Bush's foreign policy team and said the White House was practicing A-B-C, or "anything but Clinton" as their policy. Albright said Bush has failed to build on Clinton’s successes in Kosovo, Somalia and with North Korea. The White House declined the opportunity to respond to Albright’s criticisms. “We can’t be expected to have an official reaction to every inane comment no matter how lofty the source,” said Press Secretary Tony Snow. Pentagon Analysts Read Quran The Pentagon brass tasked intelligence analysts to pinpoint what's driving Muslims to commit atrocities, like sending suicide bombers onto buses and planes to kill innocent men, women and children. Their preliminary finding is it's the Quran. “We’ve been providing Qurans to the Muslim combatants we’ve got locked up at Gitmo, but we’ve never read it before now,” said an unnamed source. “We thought it would be like the Bible—you know ‘love thy neighbor,’ ‘turn the other cheek’ kind of stuff. Boy, were we wrong. Apparently, Allah commands his believers to ‘slay thy neighbor.’ This explains a lot.” The Pentagon is reputedly in a quandary. “Our thinking was that these Qurans would console the prisoners,” said the source. “But it seems that the books are bolstering their determination to kill us. Yet, if we don’t provide them with this book there’ll probably be rioting and further losses of innocent lives.” “I suppose it all makes
sense when you think about it,” the source continued. “You’ve got these
love-starved men living in Third-World hell-holes. They have no decent
prospects in this world. So, the chance to blow yourself to bits and go
to heaven’s brothel seems like good odds to these losers.”
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People
for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is protesting Six Flags Great
America’s plan to allow unlimited line-jumping privileges to anyone who
eats a live Madagascar hissing cockroach.