“I have a message for the American people,” Zawahri intoned. “If you wish to avoid a catastrophe you must vote this criminal out of office in your upcoming elections. The notion that you can win against our holy jihad is a mirage. You must cut your losses. Only by yielding to Allah’s will can you escape his fiery vengeance. Bring the Democrats to power. They will save your necks and negotiate a peaceful transition to Islam for your country.”

Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee, congratulated Zawahri on his “enlightened perspective on American politics.” “This is what we’ve been saying all along,” said Dean. “Bush and his Republican lackeys are leading us to catastrophe. If voters give Democrats control of Congress we can end this nightmare by impeaching Bush and pulling out of Iraq.”

Dean said the transition to Islam would be up to each individual. “Each person would choose for himself,” Dean said. “We will ensure a peaceful transition. People could convert or pay the jizya. There’d be an end to the senseless violence over theological mumbo-jumbo.”

In related news, Muqtada al-Sadr, the Shiite Muslim cleric, whose Mahdi Army has been battling with U.S. and Iraqi government forces, ordered his followers to put down their weapons temporarily. “We will wait to see if the American elections can produce a peaceful end to the occupation,” said Sadr. “Why waste our bullets on troops that will be withdrawn when we will need them against the Sunni apostates later?”

Scientists Discover Nature Is Filthy

Scientists have run high-tech tests on harmful bacteria in local rivers and streams and found that the majority of the germs in the Potomac and Anacostia rivers come from wildlife dung. The finding has put the Environmental Protection Agency in a quandary.

“I was out in a wilderness area last week,” said EPA Public Information Officer Forest Greene. “Everywhere I looked there was dirt, debris, and decaying vegetation. I ruined a good pair of shoes stepping in some animal’s dung. These creatures are fouling their own nest, so to speak. This really throws a monkey wrench into our perspective on ‘cleaning up the environment.’ I mean, if the environment is naturally filthy, what does cleaning it up mean?”

“Normally, we would issue a cease-and-desist order, impose a fine, or shut down the operation,” Greene continued. “But who’s going to issue a citation to a bear? How’s the bear going to pay the fine? If we build sanitary rest areas for these animals would they even use them?”

Predictably, the EPA has called for more funding to study the issue. “We need more money if we’re going to figure out how to solve this problem,” said Greene.

Thus far, the favored solution is modeled on city ordinances that require pet owners to pick up defecations. “We’re thinking that a forest waste patrol would monitor these animals and retrieve the dung,” Greene said. “The manpower required would be huge, but we feel no price is too high to pay for a clean environment.”

DNC Says Foley Tragedy Could’ve Been Avoided

The Democratic National Committee issued a statement alleging that the scandal surrounding Rep Mark Foley (R-Fla.) demonstrates a “lack of leadership” in the Republican Party.

“You didn’t see people resigning in disgrace for these kinds of scandals when the Democratic Party was in the majority,” Howard Dean, Chairman of the DNC, said. “We kept things under control.”

The statement went on to list people who were able to avoid resigning in disgrace when Democrats held the majority:  Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass), Rep Gerry Studds (D-Mass), Rep. Jim Bates (D-Calif), Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-Mass), and Pres. Bill Clinton (D-Ark).

“The careers of these fine men were protected so they could continue their important work in government,” said Dean. “The record clearly shows that it is the Republicans who are so corrupt they have to resign.”

The statement went on to urge voters to vote Democrat “to put an end to the Republican culture of corruption.”

In related news, Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), currently Minority Leader in the House of Representatives, promises that the long nightmare of corruption and fornication that has plagued the government since Republicans gained the majority in 1994 will come to an end if Democrats retake control. “Look at what’s happened since 1994,” said Pelosi. “We’ve had cavorting with interns in the White House, e-mail sex with House Pages, we’ve had bribes stashed in the freezer. The place is out of control with Republicans running the show. Such things will be unheard of when I’m Speaker.”

Ted Turner for President?

In remarks that some speculate may be the beginnings of a bid for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination, media mogul Ted Turner outlined an ambitious plan to outflank potential rivals. In an interview on CNBC's “The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch,” Turner took a hard-left position on the issues.

On the war in Iraq, Turner suggested that we stop bombing them. “All that bombs do is a lot of damage and make people angry,” said Turner. “I think we should try to make friends rather than enemies.” Turner proposed a series of “mixers” to help Iraqis and Americans get better acquainted. “I’ll even supply the booze,” Turner offered. “Somebody’s got to make the first move to break the ice.”

On the Israeli/Palestine dispute, Turner suggested that tensions could be reduced if the Israelis would pull out of the region. “The amount of land they’re squabbling over is tiny,” Turner observed. “The whole area is Muslim except for Israel. Surely moving to a safer neighborhood would make more sense.” Turner recommended Palm Beach, Florida as a location that might appeal to Israelis.

On the war on terror, Turner asked “Why not give the jihadis what they want? It’s all just superstition anyway. Praying toward Mecca can’t make that much difference to the average person. It’s got to be better than getting blown up.” Turner opined that once American men came to grips with the tenets of Islam they would see its advantages.

Though he didn’t seem aware of the inconsistency, Turner also proposed that men be barred from holding any political office for the next 100 years. “Women don't have much testosterone, so they don't want to start wars all the time,” Turner said. “I think men should be barred from holding any elective political office. They’d still be allowed to hold jobs and pay taxes. They could voice their opinions. They could petition the government to plead their case. They just couldn’t be in charge.”

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY), the acclaimed frontrunner for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination called Turner’s ideas “intriguing” and “worth a look.” “We need a fresh approach,” said Clinton. “This may be it. We need to feel out voters to see if these ideas will sell. Bill has volunteered to lead this effort.”

Gitmo Inmates Grow Fat on Rich Diet

Detainees at Guantanamo Bay are becoming fat. Meals totaling 4,200 calories per day are brought to their cells. U.S. government dietary guidelines recommend 2,000 to 3,000 calories per day for weight maintenance. One detainee has almost doubled in weight, to 410 pounds. The meals are all prepared according to Islamic guidelines.

Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ill) said the revelation of over-feeding of prisoners confirms his charges of abuse and torture. “Does the Bush Administration’s cruelty know no bounds?” Durbin asked. “Why not whole grains, fruits and vegetables? Why not a healthy diet?”

Guantanamo official, Commander Justin Freih, explained, “Whole grains, fruits and vegetables are part of the offering. We are under instructions to ensure a plentiful variety of foods from which detainees can choose.”

Durbin dismissed Freih’s explanation as “self-serving propaganda.” “If Bush and his henchmen lied about weapons of mass destruction why should we believe them now?” Durbin demanded to know. “Just because some jack-booted storm-trooper says they offer choices doesn’t convince me. These diets are deadly. It’s Abu Ghraib all over again. Someone should go to jail for this atrocity.”

Oliver Stone Is Ashamed of U.S.

Filmmaker Oliver Stone blasted President Bush, saying he is "ashamed for my country" over the war in Iraq and the U.S. policies in response to the attacks of Sept. 11. “We were victims on 9/11,” said Stone. “We were heroes on 9/11. My movie shows all this. It’s time we got over it.”

Stone claims the United States has “destroyed the world.” “This so-called ‘war on terror’ is a waste of energy,” Stone said. “The U.S. reaction to the attacks was out of proportion. We had a mandate to kill around 3,000 al-Qaeda terrorists. Instead, Bush has us on a quest to rid the world of evildoers. We need to learn a little tolerance. We need to learn to live with terrorism. As Senator Kerry has said, it’s annoying, but it doesn’t really kill that many people.”

Court Blocks Arizona Voter ID Law

A federal appeals court blocked an Arizona state law requiring voters to present identification at polling stations and proof of citizenship when registering to vote. The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals upheld an emergency motion by opponents of the law for an injunction to prevent the law's voter identification requirements from taking effect for the November 7 elections.

Opponents of the Arizona law said it discriminated against minorities and the poor, who might not have funds to obtain the necessary proof of identification. “The law sets a burdensome requirement,” Victor Meiser, attorney for the plaintiffs. “To get a driver’s license you have to show a birth certificate. Immigrants don’t typically have such a document and buying a forged birth certificate in expensive.”

Meiser also took issue with the alternate forms of identification. “Rent receipts and utility bills require an individual to have an actual residence,” said Meiser. “People trying to avoid being deported often don’t have regular addresses. Even if they do, the name they give the landlord may be fictitious. So, it’s not so easy for them to produce a document with both a valid name and address on it. And what about homeless people? They’re living in the park, sleeping under bridges, and the like. How’re they going to get documents with their name and address on them?”