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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Two Democrats Aim to Repeal 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' Nov.
24, 2006 “We will have hearings, and then we can have an honest intercourse with members of Congress,” Meehan said. “I have always believed, that once people see the facts, it will become clear that allowing openly gay soldiers into our army will boost national security.” Meehan said he was inspired by learning about the army of ancient Sparta. “In Sparta, older veterans would take boys to train and mentor,” he said. “The homosexual bond between them made for an incredibly strong army. Only 300 of them were able to hold off 10,000 attacking Persians at Thermopylae in 480 B.C. The Spartan King stayed behind with 300 Spartans and 700 lesbian volunteers. Though they knew it meant their own deaths, they sacrificed themselves to save the other Greek forces. Now, I’m not saying that everyone in our military should be forced to enter a homosexual relationship, but I think we should be open to a more diversified approach. Maybe have a gay battalion in each army division.” Frank concurred in Meehan’s assessment. “Those Spartans were ‘bad dudes,’” Frank said. “I would feel much safer if I knew we had this kind of army to back us up in our confrontations with hostile forces.” Meehan, suggested that not only the Army, but congress itself needed more gay members. “The Democratic Party is proud of men like Representative Frank,” Meehan said. “We don’t force gays to resign in disgrace like those homophobic bigots in the Republican Party do. We say to Mark Foley, you were a Democrat once—come home to the Democratic Party.” Rangel Re-Introduces Draft Legislation In what is becoming an annual event, Rep. Charles Rangel (D-N.Y.) has introduced legislation to reinstate the draft. “The current Army is too belligerent,” said Rangel. “Everyone of the troops has volunteered to fight. This is not a representative cross section of Americans.” Rangel characterized the draft as an “affirmative action” program. “By randomly selecting people between the ages of 18 and 26 we’d get a better representation of all facets of our society,” Rangel asserted. “There’d be an equal number of women and men, there’d be gays and straights, cowards and heroes, and there’d be a balance among the races.” Rangel said a draft would be more conducive to peace because the Army wouldn’t be dominated by “war mongering know-nothings” like it is now. “As Senator Kerry (D-N.Y.) pointed out, our volunteer force is the repository of those who can’t hack it in normal society. A draft will ensure that our Army is staffed by normal people.” As Rangel sees it, “normal people” would more likely balk at going to war. Their unwillingness to fight would rein-in the aggressive ambitions of the president. In related news, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) insisted that his “botched joke” in which he U.S. troops were morons when he meant to say President Bush was a moron won’t undermine his bid for the presidency in the 2008 election. “Not in the least,” Kerry said when asked if the furor over his comment had caused him to reconsider a 2008 race. “The attention span of the American voter is incredibly brief. If they had remembered what I’d said about U.S. troops in 1971, I would never have won the nomination in 2004. Heck, if I had remembered what I’d said in 1971 I wouldn’t have voted for me either. Thankfully, time obscures the past.” John Edwards Says bin Laden Should Run for President Former Sen. John Edwards (D-N.C.) told the Associated Press that Obama (sic) bin Laden should get into the 2008 presidential race. Edwards said he would urge anyone to run if they could make a serious contribution to the campaign and to political dialogue. “I’ve been hearing a lot of people say that Obama should run for president,” Edwards said. “At first, I was surprised that someone President Bush has labeled a terrorist would be so popular here in America. But then I thought, Bush has lied about so many other things, why not this? The very fact that Obama’s name keeps coming up says there may be more to this than we thought.” Edwards said whether Obama enters the race will have no bearing on his decision to make a second run for president -- but he hopes Obama runs. “I would like to run against him,” Edwards said. “I think the contrast between my boyish good looks and this rag-headed foreigner would work to my advantage.” In related news, Sen. Edwards denounced Wal-Mart officials for publicly revealing one of his staff’s efforts to induce the company to give the senator priority access to the hot new “Playstation 3” that is soon to be available. “Wal-Mart knows I’ve been bashing their employment and purchasing policies,” Edwards said. “They are trying to embarrass me by publicly disclosing my hypocrisy. This is not how the ‘game’ is played. They will really regret this when I become president.” Study Shows Conservatives Are More Generous Research by Syracuse University professor Arthur C. Brooks shows that, contrary to claims by liberals, conservatives are actually more generous when it comes to charitable giving. The findings have been published in a book titled “Who Really Cares: The Surprising Truth About Compassionate Conservatism” “Liberals have been claiming they are the most virtuous members of American society, lambasting conservatives for their purported callousness in the face of social injustice,” Brooks said. “But the data show that, liberals who believe fervently in government entitlement programs give far less to charity. They want everyone’s tax dollars to support charitable causes but are reluctant to write checks to those causes, even when governments don’t provide them with enough money.” Brooks’ findings were belittled by Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee. “The flaw in the professor’s reasoning is the notion that the money given belongs to those who give it,” Dean said. “Conservatives can afford to be generous because they have appropriated a disproportionate share of the social output to themselves. Guilt may drive them to give some of it back to its rightful owners. But this is an inefficient and unreliable way to accomplish the equitable distribution of wealth. We agree with Ralph Nader when he said ‘A society that has more justice is a society that needs less charity.’ Achieving social justice is something we hope to make progress on now that our party controls congress.” Judge Rules Cities Cannot Bar Illegals from Seeking Work A federal judge ruled that the Village of Mamaroneck, New York discriminated against illegal immigrants when it closed a day labor hiring site and stepped up police patrols on the streets. Six undocumented immigrant workers sought an injunction against what they called harassment and ethnic discrimination. They said the village violated their right to equal protection. “The defendants have engaged in a campaign against undocumented immigrants who gather on the streets of Mamaroneck to seek work,” Judge Colleen McMahon wrote in her ruling. “Immigration is a federal responsibility. Cities may not interfere with it even if the federal government is not fulfilling that responsibility. This may seem like a loophole in the law, but it is a protected loophole.” The ruling comes as a handful of small cities in the United States have instituted tougher laws, some naming English their official language and threatening fines to landlords who knowingly rent to undocumented immigrants. They say they are stepping in where the federal government has failed to regulate immigration. Testifying in Spanish, each of the six laborers -- some in the country illegally -- asserted that the city was denying them their human right to work. A man from Guatemala told the judge “They are treating us like second class citizens just because we come from another country. They act like they own the place.” The victory is the second this year for undocumented immigrants in federal court. In May, a federal judge prohibited the city of Redondo Beach, California, from arresting undocumented immigrants for violating a local ordinance against soliciting work on public streets. U.S. Communist Party Sees Democrat Victory as Its Own “The right-wing stranglehold on Congress has been broken,” declared Joelle Fishman, chair of the Communist Party USA’s (CPUSA) political action commission. “Electing the Democrats to control congress is a victory for communism.” Fishman delivered her report to the committee as it discussed the results of the election. “With Democrats in charge the future of the Communist Party looks bright,” said CPUSA’s Executive Vice-chair Jarvis Tyner. Fishman argued that the results of the election were a mandate to enact the near-term CPUSA agenda, which includes socialized medicine, tax increases, intensified regulations, and nationalization of selected businesses. Fishman thanked the women’s equality movement and the African American and Latino communities, the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community, environmentalists, and other public advocacy groups for helping bring America a step closer to the communist ideal. “The CPUSA emerges from this election in a key position to lead,” Fishman said. “The Democratic leadership in the House is in agreement with key elements of our near-term agenda. The long struggle to bring communism to America is nearer success than it’s ever been.” Erica Smiley, National Coordinator of the Young Communist League, was bouyant, “The results of the 2006 election indicate a major turning point in our struggle to communize America.” Iran and Zimbabwe Forge Alliance Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe and Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced their alliance against the United States and Britain. The two leaders denounced British Prime Minister Tony Blair and US President George Bush as “evil.” “We will co-operate to put an end to US and British dominance in the world,” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said. “With Iran to the north of the U.S. and British invaders of Iraq and Zimbabwe to the south, we have the enemy encircled.” Mugabe said Iran should be hailed for helping arm the insurgency fighting for the independence of Iraq from the foreign oppressors. “Iran and Zimbabwe think alike and have forged an ‘axis of steel’ to confront the ‘brainless Bush and Blair,’” Mugabe said. “We have to fight against these evil men (British and U.S. leaders Tony Blair and George Bush) and their evil scheme to impose liberty and prosperity upon the world.” Ahmadinejad repaid the compliment, describing the 82-year-old Zimbabwean leader as a “tool of the jihad against the great Satan.” In related news, researchers have discovered that genetic and congenital disorders are more common in Arab countries than in other countries. Inherited disorders account for a substantial proportion of physical and mental handicaps. Incestuous in-breeding and a weak genetic stock are believed to be significant contributing factors. Scientists see no remedy in the offing. “Look, these societies are already dominated by demented elites,” said Professor Jacob Weissman of Ben-Gurion University. “From the Imams to the brutal dictators that predominate in these countries, there isn’t much hope for a sensible response. The most aggressive lunatics force multiple women to bear multiple children, ensuring the widest dispersion of bad genes.” Predictably, the findings were denounced as “Zionist sorcery” by the Supreme Council for Islamic Affairs. “Everyone knows that Jews are liars and schemers in league with Satan,” said Grand Imam Aber Rhant. “These spreaders of lies will taste Allah’s wrath.”
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Representative
Martin T. Meehan (D-Mass.) and Barney Frank (D-Mass.) say they intend to
reverse the 13-year-old “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on gays and
lesbians in the military. Meehan said he plans to hold congressional
hearings early next year of the House Armed Services Subcommittee, which
he is likely to chair, on a bill that would “permit openly homosexual
individuals to service their country.”