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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
UK Hospital Fined for 'Excessive Efficiency'
Jan. 5, 2007 Anne Bullock, spokeswoman for NHS, explained, “Minimum waiting times must be enforced if we are to ensure that everyone is equally inconvenienced. We cannot allow the superior efficiency of any hospital or staff to undermine our national commitment to equality. Everyone must take their turn at suffering or even dying, for that matter. It is fundamentally wrong for anyone to escape this social responsibility.” There is also some speculation that a financial crisis in the NHS may be a factor, Hospitals have been told not to operate on patients until they have been on a waiting list for at least 20 weeks in an attempt to hold down costs. “From a fiscal perspective, making patients wait is cost-effective,” said Bullock. “Operations cost the NHS money. Delays do not.” The hospital says it is reviewing its procedures to ensure that there are no repeats of this “unfortunate sequence of events.” “We cannot explain how the staff was permitted to work so efficiently,” said Nigel Cringely, Ipswich Hospital’s Administrator. “We are introducing administrative oversight procedures aimed at preventing a repetition in the future.” Unfazed by the delays in treatment under socialized medicine, former North Carolina senator, John Edwards announced that universal, government-funded medical care will be a key plank of his platform in his bid for the 2008 Democratic nomination for president. “We cannot afford to let the failures of government funded healthcare in other countries deter us from implementing our own version here,” Edwards said. “I’m confident we can succeed where others have failed.” A key element of the Edwards plan would be money set aside to fund tort lawyers who will sue doctors and hospitals if care falls below acceptable levels. “Under my plan doctors and hospitals won’t get away with excuses like lack of funds or time to provide top-tier care,” Edwards explained. “Any patient dissatisfied with the quality or timeliness of his treatment will receive government funds sufficient to hire top-notch trial attorneys to press his case for punitive damages. Doctors and hospitals will know that they face financial ruin if they fail to deliver the best possible care.” Edwards boasted that PITLA (the Personal Injury Trial Lawyers’ Association) has already pledged to raise $10 million to support his candidacy. “The people who really care about America are behind me and this plan,” Edwards said. “With PITLA’s backing I don’t see how we can fail.” In related news, UK hospitals’ efforts to stem the inroads of killer infections has been set back by Muslims refusal to wash their hands when visiting sick relatives. Dispensers containing anti-bacterial gel have been placed outside wards at hospitals in a bid to combat superbugs. Many Muslims are refusing to use the hand cleansers on religious grounds. “The Prophet (may peace be upon him) did not direct us to wash,” said Abi Muksukr, one of the non-washers. “Illness is a curse from Allah. Prayer is the cure. So, why should we be forced to defile ourselves with these evil smelling chemicals just to please the superstitions of the unbelievers?” Muslims Say They Can’t Share Prayer Room Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport’s shared prayer room is unacceptable say Muslims. “Where you have Christians and Muslims praying at the same time, it will create a problem,” said Fual Ali, a Somali Muslim who spoke at a meeting with airport officials. “Christians are praying for forgiveness, peace, or similar cowardly aims. Muslims are praying for the death of unbelievers. Mixing these messages is an insult to Allah.” Somalis Muslims, who make up a large community in Minnesota, are demanding changes at the airport, including a private place for them to use for their prayers, exemption from searches carried out by infidels, and the removal of all pork products from airport eateries. The airport already provides the generic quiet area, and fears that if it sets up a special Muslim prayer area it could be compelled to accommodate any – and all – other faiths the same way, noted Airport Director Steve Wareham. The controversy got its start from an incident in which six “praying” Muslim imams shouting “death to America” and exhibiting behavior that resembled that shown in terrorist beheading videos were blocked from a scheduled flight to Phoenix. One of the imams, Omar Shahin, is a representative of the Kind Hearts Organization, which had its assets frozen by the U.S. Treasury because of its connections to Osama bin Laden. Obesity Epidemic Prompts Call for “Stern Measures” Fearing that rising levels of obesity could bankrupt the National Health Service (NHS), British authorities are seeking ideas for how to combat swelling girths. Obesity treatment currently consumes 9% of the NHS budget. Things are expected to get worse as the number of obese adults rises from one in five to one in three by 2010. Graham Grossman, Minister of Health, said drastic action was needed if disaster is to be averted. One idea that seems to be gaining some traction among Labor members of Parliament is a ban on the manufacture and sale of larger clothes. The ban would prohibit clothes with a waist of more than 40in for men, 37in for boys, 35in for women, and 31in for girls. “Our thinking is that the inability of obtaining suitable clothing will force people to slim down,” said Grossman. “Tubbies won’t want others to see rolls of fat spilling out of trouser tops too small to accommodate them. They’ll have to slim down or stay home.” Other ideas being batted around include: Random health checks, including waist and weight measurements. “If you knew that any policeman could take you aside for a quick physical exam you’d think again before downing that extra scone or crumpet,” Grossman suggested. Mandatory obesity surgery for people with a body mass index of over 40. “If the random health check turns up fatties, they’re to be sent off for surgical interventions to trim the fat,” Grossman continued. Converting all urban roads into cycle lanes. “Cycling is an excellent way to shed pounds,” Grossman pointed out. “An added plus is that we’ll cut back on our use of fossil fuels.” Morning calisthenics. “If people got up early and exercised instead of lolling around in bed they’d be slimmer,” Grossman said. “Police will rouse neighborhoods and lead people in a daily 20 minutes of squat-thrusts and push-ups. It’ll be invigorating.” All of the prospective measures are expected to include a clause exempting members of Parliament from having to comply. Dems Promise Action on Ethics Congressional Democrats stepped hungrily to the brink of power, promising immediate action to raise the level of ethics in the new congress. Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-Md.), the incoming majority leader, said a series of stiffer ethics rules would be passed within two weeks. The first step, he said, would consist of several measures crafted in response to the scandals that weakened Republicans in last fall’s elections. Under the proposed new rules, all cash payments to members of congress from lobbyists will be frozen. This particular rule was inspired by an incident in which the FBI found $90,000 in Rep. William Jefferson’s (D-Louisiana) freezer. “Republicans tried to smear Rep Jefferson in the Fall campaign,” Hoyer said. “This new rule will provide protection against such tactics. Rep. Jefferson’s actions will be exonerated ex post facto.” Clause 3(c) of this new rule sets aside 1% of all future cash payments to members of congress from lobbyists to help retire Rep. Jefferson’s $200,000 campaign debt. A second proposed reform would give any Republican caught in an inappropriate relationship with a page or intern the option of switching parties. “There’s nothing wrong with a healthy sex-drive,” Hoyer asserted. “A little titillation helps get the old engine humming. The problem is Republican hypocrisy. You can’t campaign on family values and diddle the staff. Those willing to make a clean break with these so-called family values by joining the Democratic Party will be forgiven. This will restore a measure of honesty to government.” A third reform measure would bar Republicans from proposing amendments to any bills sponsored by Democrats. “Republicans are inherently corrupt,” Hoyer exclaimed. “Everything they say is bought and paid for with corporate money. There’s no reason for us to have to listen to them. The voters didn’t. They’re with us. We have a mandate. No interference will be tolerated.” Finally, in a bid to restore civility, any member wishing to speak will be required to submit his or her intended remarks to the Speaker for review and approval. “We’re tired of Republicans trying to undermine the people’s confidence in the Democratic Party by their constant intemperate criticism,” Hoyer complained. “The Speaker reserves the right to edit or even ban speeches that don’t meet her standards of civility. Republicans have a right to their opinions, but they don’t have the right to be disagreeable or to insist that we must listen to their lies.” Rep. David Dreier (R-Calif.) sent a letter saying Democrats were violating promises Pelosi had made to allow a “fair debate consisting of a full amendment process that grants the minority the right to offer its alternatives, including a substitute.” Hoyer dismissed the complaint saying that “it has always been my understanding that Republicans were against minority rights.” Iran Says It Will Use Nuclear Weapons It doesn’t Have If Necessary Iran’s chief nuclear envoy Ali Larijani said that Iran has no nuclear weapons and has no plans to develop nuclear weapons, but warned that it will use them if necessary to ensure that Jews or their satanic U.S. allies provoke his country or resist Allah’s will. “We oppose obtaining nuclear weapons and we will peacefully use nuclear technology under the framework of the Nonproliferation Treaty, but if we are threatened, we will blast the infidels to Hell,” Larijani said. Vice President Gholamreza Aghazadeh, who is also the head of the Atomic Energy Organization of Iran, said Iran has stored its non-weapons in bomb-proof, impregnable underground tunnels at a nuclear facility in Isfahan to protect it from any possible attack. “Today, we have produced more than enough uranium for 250 nuclear bombs,” Aghazadeh boasted. “Of course, we would never make bombs, but we will use them if we have to.” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said international sanctions won’t stop Iran from enriching uranium. “Iran will stand up to coercion,” Ahmadinejad promised. “Every Iranian stands ready to sacrifice his life to defend our nuclear rights.” Iran has condemned as “Invalid” And “Illegal” a UN Security Council resolution that imposes sanctions against the Islamic Republic for refusing to halt uranium enrichment. “Resolutions passed by unbelievers are invalid and illegal under Muslim law,” Ahmadinejad asserted. “For these enemies to assume that they can prevent the progress of the Iranian nation through psychological war and issuing resolutions is insane.” In related news, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and Majority Leader of the Senate, Harry Reid (D-Nev.), sent a letter to President Bush urging him to “give up this hopeless war on terror.” Rather than bank on a “troop surge” to turn the tide in Iraq, the letter advised a “more realistic approach that would give each and every American a clear opportunity to convert to Islam to avoid being slaughtered by the irresistible might of Allah’s armies.”
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Ipswich
Hospital was fined nearly £2.5m worth of funding because it treated too
many patients, too quickly. Nurses and doctors at Ipswich Hospital had
done so well in meeting their waiting lists targets that some patients
were seen with a week rather than the minimum 122 days required by
National Health Service rules.