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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Israeli Moon Purchases Denounced
Jan. 12, 2007 Daniel Yaron, CEO of Crazyshop, the company which markets moon property in Israel, said that the typical rationale for such a purchase is as a “gag gift.” “It makes for an unusual gift for those ‘hard-to-buy-for’ friends and relatives,” Yaron explained. Yaron’s explanation was denounced as “Zionist lies” by Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “People laughed when I tried to warn of the Jews’ plan for world domination,” Ahmadinejad said. “I hope this news awakens them to the encroaching dangers Jews present to our world. Not only are they plotting to dominate the Earth, but they’ve set their eyes on other planets, as well. They must be wiped off the face of the Earth before they succeed in their evil plan.” In Pakistan, rioting and looting broke out in Lahore, as angry mobs shouted “death to the Jews.” Ameer ul-Azeem, spokesman for the Mutahida Majlis-e-Amal, an Islamist movement the country declared the purchases “offensive to Muslims.” “Jews know very well that the moon has great significance to Muslims,” ul-Azeem complained. “The moon is on our flag and the flags of many brother Muslim lands. Land on the moon is Muslim land. The Jews are deliberately insulting us—it’s like they are rubbing pork in our wounds.” Former president Jimmy Carter declared that this latest revelation validates everything he said in his book (“Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid”) about the Jewish quest for world hegemony. “The Jewish lust for land is greater than I thought,” Carter claimed. “When I wrote about the Israeli apartheid regime I thought it applied only in Palestine, but apparently, the Jews intend to extend their hegemony to the moon.” Carter insisted that more personal diplomacy is needed to calm the region. “I’ve seen photos of President Bush holding hands with Saudi Arabia Crown Prince Abdullah,” Carter said. “This is a good start, but he must go further. I kissed Arafat. Bush needs to do at least as much. In today’s more intense relationship he may need to be even more receptive to input from the heads of state in the region and be ready to go all the way for the sake of peace. I know that’s what I would do if I were the president.” In related news, 14 more academics resigned from the “Carter Center” in response to his book, calling it the “malicious babblings of a senile nincompoop.” Carter shrugged off the criticism. “Every one of them is a Jew,” Carter asserted. “Need I say more? The evidence of a Zionist conspiracy couldn’t be clearer. Ahmadinejad doesn’t sound so crazy now, I bet?” Man Dies While Rescue Team Takes Lunch Break A man died of a heart attack when two ambulance crews could not be sent to his aid because they were on a mandated lunch break. The victim collapsed five minutes from an ambulance station. But under the European Working Time Directive (EWTD), crews couldn’t be disturbed. An ambulance did arrive a half an hour later—after the required lunch break. It was too late, the man had already died. Under the EWTD rules crews cannot be called out during their 30-minute breaks. They are banned from helping, even if there is a medical emergency right in front of them. Anne Bullock, spokeswoman for the National Health Service (NHS) explained: “We can confirm the crews were on a rest break at the time of the incident. Our sympathies are with the patient’s family. However, we have rules that must be followed. If emergency crews don’t get their breaks they’ll become fatigued and make mistakes. The breaks keep them fresh.” “Emergencies occur around the clock,” Bullock continued. “Whether medical personnel are available when you need them is a matter of luck. Since they are ‘on’ more often than they are ‘off,’ the odds are with you most of the time. There will inevitably be an unfortunate few whose ill-timed emergencies hit while crews are unavailable. To let the crews themselves decide to end their break early when faced by an emergency would mean chaos.” “Dedicated adherence to the rules ensures that the system treats all equally,” Bullock asserted. “If this means that crews willing to sacrifice the rules in order to attempt to save a life have to be restrained it is a price society has determined must be paid when the rules were enacted.” The UK’s NHS is one of the models being touted by Democrats eager to institute so-called “single-payer” healthcare reform in the United States. Chavez Pledges “Socialist Paradise” at Swearing In Ceremony Invoking Castro as his socialist model, President Hugo Chavez began his third term by declaring that socialism, not capitalism, is the future for Venezuela and the world. “It may take time,” Chavez said, “but we will replicate the socialist paradise Castro has built for the people of Cuba. We will crush the capitalist exploiters who tempt the Venezuelan people with material abundance. We will light a shining beacon for the world to follow.” In fulfillment of his pledge, Chavez has already announced the nationalization of electricity and telephone service. Chavez said he plans to file a bill in Parliament that will grant him absolute authority to seize capitalist property “for the benefit of the state.” Called the “Enabling Act,” Chavez’s bill is modeled on a similarly named 1933 German measure. The Act will enable Chavez to enact laws without the participation of the Parliament. Lamero de la Botas, a deputy in Venezuela’s National Assembly, praised the proposed measure. “Instead of constant arguing over policy one voice will speak for Venezuela,” de la Botas said. “The rest of us will merely have to obey. I can’t tell you how relieved I am to not have to face the tedium of reading all these bills brought up in the Assembly. When a country has a genius like Hugo at the helm it is an honor to be a ‘yes-man.’” To prevent “capitalist propagandists” from thwarting his drive toward a “workers’ paradise,” Chavez has said he will shutdown opposition media beginning with Radio Caracas Television. “We cannot make a socialist revolution with dissenters in our midst,” Chavez declared. “Radio Caracas cannot be permitted to spread lies. This broadcasting prerogative must be reserved for the government.” Radio Caracas is among a number of private TV and radio networks that in recent years have strongly criticized Chavez’ government. Dems Push “Energy Independence” Bill Legislation introduced in the House by Rep. Edward Markey (D-Mass.) would make the oil-rich 1.2 million-acre coastal strip of Alaska a permanently protected wilderness and end repeated efforts to open the area east of the Prudhoe oil field to energy companies. Markey called the bill a small, first step toward total energy independence for America. “Getting more energy leads to using more energy,” Markey observed. “We need to break the cycle of dependency. This bill helps start the weaning process.” Markey has introduced similar legislation in each of the last three congressional sessions only to see the effort die in the Senate. This time, with Democrats in the majority and a number of moderate Republicans on record as opposed to drilling, Markey believes he has a good chance. Markey disputed critics who maintain that increasing domestic sources of oil will lead to energy independence. “These people don’t get the big picture,” Markey said. “They think that ‘energy independence’ means America won’t be depending on foreign oil. They’re wrong. True energy independence will only come when we learn to live without it.” Markey has the backing of environmentalist groups that want the new Congress to reject policies encouraging more domestic energy production. Instead, these groups want to discourage energy production and consumption of coal, oil, natural gas, and nuclear power. “These things should stay in the ground where nature intended,” said Sandy Beech, spokeswoman for the Environmental Defense Fund. While acknowledging that his dream won’t come overnight, Markey said he is confident that people will embrace the idea of returning to a ‘hunter-gatherer’ lifestyle. “Instead of being stuck in traffic driving to a 9-5 job, people will roam the wilderness hunting for game and collecting fruits,” Markey said. “They’ll get more exercise. They’ll eat less fat. They’ll live as nature intended our species to live.” Dems Offer Alternatives to Bush “Troop Surge” Speaker Nancy Pelosi , Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid , House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer and Senate Democratic Whip Richard Durbin followed President Bush’s address to the nation Wednesday with a call to the American people to concede defeat. “President Bush’s reckless and brutal invasion of Iraq has brought shame and dishonor to the nation,” said Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ill.). “His call for a troop surge is reminiscent of Hitler’s Ardennes offensive in December of 1944—both hopeless acts of desperation. We need to call a halt to hostilities, withdraw our troops, pay reparations to al-Qaeda and other victims, and put the leaders of this criminal regime on trial for war crimes. If Saddam can be hanged, so too can Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld.” “Last November, the American people delivered a strong message of no confidence in the president’s Iraq policy and clearly expressed their desire for a new direction,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.). “They voted for Democrats. They voted for me to lead the country in a showing of remorse for the evil America has done. A plan for the way forward requires a fresh approach.” “A first step in a fresh approach is to call upon Iraq’s neighbors to help restore peace,” Pelosi suggested. “We need to take a lesson from one of my favorite TV shows—‘Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood’—and be good neighbors with Syria and Iran. They’re only trying to help. Syria has been sending fresh supplies to deprived Iraqis for years. And Iran is frantically working to develop peaceful nuclear power so it can help rid the world of the Zionist menace—which is related to this war in some complicated way that we don’t fully understand.” Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.) demanded that the Bush Administration provide “answers to the tough questions that have not been asked or answered to date—like ‘What’s that smell?’ ‘Who moved my cheese?’ and ‘How the Hell should I know?’ We’re not kidding around. We have the powers of subpoena and impeachment. We will use them if we have to.” In related news, Rep. Charles Rangel (D-N.Y.) said he will reintroduce legislation to reinstate the military draft. “We don’t have enough troops to properly withdraw from Iraq,” Rangel contended. “We need to draft everyone between the ages of 18 and 42 to build up our numbers to levels that can support a more impressive withdrawal and a more humiliating defeat. This will be the legacy of the Bush presidency.” Latino Leader Blames America for Crimes by Illegal Immigrants Jesse Diaz, president of the Dallas chapter of the League of United Latin American Citizens (LULAC) says that high crime rates among illegal immigrants are America’s fault. “America is a land of plenty,” Diaz observed. “It is a shock to the system for Mexicans used to lives of poverty. In Mexico, the people cannot afford to feed their vices. Here everyone has enough money to buy drugs, booze and guns. America’s wealth is undermining our virtue.” Diaz said that if America cannot take effective action against this insidious prosperity Mexicans may have to leave the country. “We will take our lawn-mowing, bed-making, lettuce-picking skills elsewhere, maybe Venezuela,” Diaz threatened. “The arrogant Americans will be sorry when their yards are overgrown with weeds and their vegetables rot in the fields. It is a lesson we itch to administer.”
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Last
December over one thousand Israelis purchased land on the moon. The
price of each one-eighth-acre plot of land is about $60. Each buyer gets
an ownership certificate and a photographed map of the purchased area.
So far some 55.5 million acres of land on the moon have been sold to
people all over the world.