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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

U.S., Bush Blamed

August 19, 2005

Iran accused the United States of instigating recent clashes between Iranian Security Forces and assorted dissidents. According to official figures, 12 people have died in the Kurdish areas. Independent groups say the death toll is higher. “The freedom and prosperity of the United States are setting an example that is corrupting our youth and tempting them to stray from the path of Islamic righteousness,” said Iran's Foreign Ministry spokesman Hamid Reza Asefi. “This is why we must work to destroy the great Satan.”

Antiwar protester Cindy Sheehan who is camped in Crawford, Texas, agrees with Iran’s position. “Bush is out to line the pockets of Texas oilmen and to serve the interests of the Zionists,” said Sheehan. “You get America out of Muslim lands and Jews out of New York and you'll stop the terrorism. They wouldn’t have to blow up planes, buildings and subways if it weren’t for American meddling in the Middle East. I blame that lying, filth-spewing, warmonger bastard Bush.”

German Chancellor Gerhard Schroder kicked-off his re-election campaign by criticizing American warnings against Iran. “This isn’t the first time the United States has made a situation worse,” said Schroder. “Untimely U.S. military intervention in Europe in 1940s set the stage for the current problems. We Germans were well on the way to unifying the world when the U.S. army intervened and turned the tide against us.”

Anti-Terror Plans Counter-Productive, Warns London Mayor

The Mayor of London, Ken Livingstone, expressed serious reservations about the British government's new anti-terror plans.

“Terrorism is ill-defined,” said Livingstone. “Is bombing trains terrorism? We bombed plenty of German trains during the Second World War. Some consider the American Revolutionaries terrorists. They dumped tea into Boston Harbor some 200 years ago. That was mighty irksome.”

The Home Office is holding consultations, including with British Muslims, over plans to exclude and deport people for preaching, fermenting or provoking terrorism. This is seen as directed at Muslim “extremism,” which Prime Minister Tony Blair is blaming for July's London bombings.

Livingstone says he is opposed to the introduction of legislation or any extension of powers which could result in the exclusion or criminalization of individuals who merely preach, ferment or provoke attacks.

Clinton Says He Would Have Gone After bin Laden

Ex-president Bill Clinton now says he would have issued a summons for Osama bin Laden to appear before a magistrate if only the FBI and CIA had been able to prove that he was behind the attack on the U.S.S. Cole.

“I desperately wish that I could have been president for another few terms so the FBI and CIA would’ve had time to finally confirm, officially, and irrefutably, beyond a reasonable doubt that there was absolutely no question that bin Laden was responsible for the attack on the U.S.S. Cole,” Clinton told New York magazine. “Then we could have issued a summons for bin Laden demanding that he present himself for trial. We would’ve kept him as comfortable as possible in an ergonomically designed chair, but he would’ve been spoken to very sternly. As it was, I just didn’t have enough time. Congress was impeaching me for some reason. This took up a lot of time that I might have devoted to national security issues.”

Fox Boasts of Low Unemployment

Presidente Vicente Fox boasts that Mexico has a lower unemployment rate than any country in Europe or Latin America. The country's National Statistics Institute said that worker migration to the U.S. is a prime factor in keeping official estimates of the jobless low.

“We are aggressively exporting our unemployed to the United States,” said Fox. “Our guidebook for emigrants is now in its 12th printing. The U.S. border is porous and the Border Patrol is undermanned. Polls show that 40 percent of Mexicans want to move to the United States. I tell you, we will retake the land stolen from us by the gringo President Polk.”

Muslim Missiles Fail to Hit U.S. Navy Ship

Attackers fired at least three rockets at a U.S. Navy ship docked in the Jordanian Red Sea port of Aqaba. One of the missiles hit a nearby privy. One landed outside a camel pen north of the city, greatly distressing the animals. A third was a dud. Witnesses said the attackers fired the Russian-built Katyusha rockets from a whorehouse near the dock.

U.S. Seaman Jack Tarleton observed the attack from the ship's deck. “They couldn’t have been more than 100 yards from the ship,” said Tarleton. “How could they have missed? The Three Stooges could’ve done better.”

Camel driver Akmed Hussein wanted to know who was going to pay for the damage done by his stampeding camels. “The pen is demolished,” said Hussein. “Several of my camels were injured.”

Hussein said he was advised to contact John Edwards. “I am told he is an invincible lawyer who can win me a large sum,” said Hussein.

This was the most serious Jihadi attack on the Navy since the USS Cole was bombed in 2000. The Abdullah Azzam Brigade, a group linked to al-Qaida, claimed responsibility and vowed to do more damage in the future.

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