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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Castro Surgery Botched
Jan. 19, 2007 According to Spain’s media, Castro is in “very serious” condition after three failed operations on his large intestine for diverticulitis. The condition is not normally fatal in Imperialist America. A key could be the curricula at the two nations’ medical schools. To practice medicine in Cuba, doctors must pass grueling tests on the “Marxist-Leninist Theory of Medicine.” “Marx made it quite clear that ‘dialectical materialism’ is the foundation of all science,” said Hermano Doliente, Cuba’s Minister of Health. “We are not blinded by bourgeois fallacies like they are in America. A proper ideology is critical to dispensing appropriate care.” Dr. Meyer Solny, a veteran gastrointestinal expert at New York Presbyterian Hospital and the Weill Cornell College of Medicine, said Castro’s doctors erred by seeking to avoid a colostomy -- or opening in the abdomen to get rid of stool -- after an initial operation to remove part of his large intestine. This has allowed excrement to back up into Castro’s body cavity. “Quite literally, Castro is ‘full of shit,’” said Solny. “I’d call it an ironic consequence of his political philosophy.” Doliente defended the surgical method as “necessary to avoid the waste of the President’s ‘essential emanations.’” “We had the opportunity tighten up Fidel’s system to prevent losses of vital outputs,” said Doliente. “Fidel is no ordinary man. He cannot be treated in an ordinary way.” U.S. medical experts were also puzzled by a report that Castro had undergone a third operation to implant a Korean-made device, possibly a missile launching tube, after a second failed operation. “I would say that that would likely be a very risky situation because the large intestine lacks the necessary rigidity to support a missile launch,” said Dr. Stephen Hanauer, chief of gastroenterology at the University of Chicago. He said the use of such a device is in such cases was “experimental” at best and unheard of in the United States. Doliente called the report slander. “It is an ANTI-missile launcher,” Doliente said. “Fidel has many enemies. He needs the best possible defense.” Senate Resolution Opposes Iraq Troop Surge A “sense of the Senate” resolution opposing President Bush’s new Iraq strategy was introduced by Senate Armed Services Committee Chairman Carl Levin (D-Mich), and possible 2008 presidential candidates Sens. Joseph Biden (D-Del) and Chuck Hagel (R-Neb). The non-binding resolution states that “escalating the United States military force presence in Iraq is not in the national interest.” Bush has proposed adding 21,500 U.S. troops to the 132,000 already in the country. “It’s a ‘guilt-free’ way of expressing our opposition to the President’s plan,” Levin said. “If it goes badly, we can say ‘we told you so.’ If, by some chance, the plan works—well, we didn’t cut off funding or do anything to stop it. So, we’ll be winners too.” Biden agreed. “It’s a perfect ‘straddle’ for someone running for president,” Biden said. “Polls show the majority of Americans are now opposed to the war. This resolution says we’re with the American people. If the polls shift we will remind voters that we supported funding for the war.” Hagel sees things a little differently. “Look, I’m a long-shot for the Republican nomination,” Hagel admitted. “McCain, Guiliani, and Romney are all lining up as ‘hawks.’ My only chance is if the whole war is a disaster. This resolution is a risk-free way for me to help bring that about. Without a united country behind him, Bush can’t win this. At the same time, I’m on the right side of the polls. I could be seen both as a visionary and a man of the people. It’s my best option if I’m ever going to be president.” Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) denounced the resolution, calling it a “cowardly retreat from responsibility.” “My esteemed colleagues are proposing that we run away and leave our troops to drown in the Iraqi quagmire, while they concoct a clever scheme to deny responsibility,” Kennedy complained. “We need to have the courage to wade in and pull them out before it’s too late.” House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence Chairman Rep. Silvestre Reyes (D-Tex) confessed he had mixed feelings on the proposed resolution. “At first, I was for sending more troops,” Reyes said. “You know, to crack down on those militia guys. But then when I heard Bush say he was for sending more troops I turned against the idea. Some are saying this is just ‘knee-jerk’ opposition to the President. But when you know as little as I do about this whole jihad thing using your head is not an option.” Polls show that two-thirds of voters want the Democrats to negotiate a “do over” in the war on terror. The so-called “do over” is a gimmick used by children playing unsupervised games. To avoid endless arguing over whether a runner was out or safe, a ball in or out, the game goes back to where it was before the play initiated. “A ‘do over’ makes a lot of sense,” said poll respondent Bob Addlepate. “We should just go back to before 9-11 and forget about everything that happened rather than try to figure out how to make it right. It’s too hard.” Iran Condemns US “Kidnapping” of Its “Diplomats” Iran has accused US troops of kidnapping five of its diplomats who were arrested in the northern Iraqi city of Irbil. The US has denied the men were diplomats -- it says the men were members of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard and were in Iraq illegally supplying weapons to Shia insurgents. Hassan Kazimi Qomi, Iran’s ambassador to Iraq, called the arrests “a violation of Iraqi sovereignty and an insult to the Iraqi people.” He said the “kidnapped” men were engaged in legitimate tasks. “These men are part of the armed, plain-clothes section of the Iranian diplomatic corps,” Qomi asserted. “Our diplomats are not fops who sit around drinking tea with the pompous prigs other nations send to represent them. They roll up their sleeves and get down to work, people-to-people, helping them get what they need.” Qomi defended the diplomats’ distribution of weapons. “As anyone can see, Iraq is a violent place,” Qomi observed. “When our Muslim brothers beg for our help, would you have us turn them down?” Qomi demanded the men’s release and the return of the weapons seized. Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ill) concurred, calling the incident “another chapter in the big book of American war crimes in the so-called war on terror.” Congress Wants to Regulate Bloggers The U. S. Senate is considering legislation that would impose criminal penalties, even jail time, on grassroots causes and citizens who criticize Congress. Section 220 of S. 1, the lobbying reform bill currently before the Senate, would require anyone who communicates to 500 or more members of the public on policy matters, to register and file quarterly reports to Congress. Those failing to file or who file late would be subject to fines and possible imprisonment. S. 1, “A bill to provide greater transparency in the legislative process,” was introduced by Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nev). The advertised intent is to restrain undue influence. But just like campaign finance reform, the measure places greater restrictions on freedom of speech. Reid defended the bill as necessary to ensure fair debate. “A lot of people launching blogs or handing out pamphlets don’t know what they’re talking about,” Reid complained. “We need more quality control. Congress has the experience and judgment to sort out fact from fiction and ensure that voters aren’t misled by these ‘know-nothings.’” The proposed new rules would require anyone who conceivably might reach as many as 500 people through any media to regularly report on their activities. Major media would be exempt because they already provide a fair and balanced perspective that represents all proper viewpoints. “We want to know who these know-nothings contact and what they are telling them,” Reid explained. “Those spreading erroneous information will be directed to issue corrections or face penalties. Those refusing to correct their errors or failing to disclose their activities will be sent to prison.” Reid predicted that with the passage of S. 1 “scandal, corruption and influence peddling will become unheard of activities. We’ll see a quieter, less contentious America. Respect for government will be enforced.” Saudis to Ban Letter ‘X’ The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice in Saudi Arabia, which has the ultimate say in all legal, civil and governance matters in the kingdom, issued a fatwa, or religious edict, against the letter “x” because of its similarity to the Christian cross. The ruling came in response to a Ministry of Trade query about whether a Saudi businessman could be granted trademark protection for a new service with the name “Explorer.” The request from the businessman was ultimately rejected. “Islamic experts who examined the word ‘explorer’ were struck by how suspicious the ‘x’ appeared,” said Commission member Ali Rahghed. “If you tilt your head, the x becomes a +. This insidious attempt to bring Christian propaganda to our country must not be permitted.” In response to the turndown, the disappointed businessman wrote an article that appeared on several web sites, sarcastically suggesting that the authorities might consider banning the “plus” sign in mathematics because of its similarity to the cross. The Commission is said to now be considering a fatwa calling for the amputation of his hand. “He who writes blasphemy must pay the price decreed by the Quran,” Rahghed declared. Meanwhile, the Commission is still frustrated with the lax enforcement of its 1974 fatwa declaring that the Earth is flat. Zimbabwean Inflation Tops 1000% Inflation in Zimbabwe reached an annual rate of 1,281% for the just concluded 2006. Rising prices were behind the rise in inflation, the Central Statistics Office said. “We have been printing more currency, but we are unable to keep up with spiraling prices,” said Finance Minister, Grabde Mulah. Government officials looking for a silver lining have glommed on to the hope that prostitutes will be priced out of the market. “Prostitution helps spread AIDS,” observed Wansik Mahmah, Minister of Health. “If prices get too high, infection rates may decline.” However, health analysts have warned rising prices could prompt a potentially even more unhealthy interest in animals. President Robert Mugabe is said to be having second thoughts about his program ousting White farmers. Black beneficiaries of the redistribution of the seized land have refused to work the farms, calling the effort required “toilsome and degrading.” Mugabe’s offer of indentured servitude to Whites who return to Zimbabwe has, thus far, been spurned.
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Cuban
leader Fidel Castro has long boasted that Cuba’s doctors and free public
health care system provide care superior to that available in “backward
capitalist plutocracies.” Nevertheless, it now appears that he, himself,
has fallen victim to communism’s notorious incompetence. Doctors say it
looks like Castro received questionable or even botched care at the
hands of Cuba’s doctors.