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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Brave Bill Clinton to Campaign for Hillary
Jan. 27, 2007 “Hilary is the best,” Clinton said. “During all those years I was harassed and stalked by all those women, she stood by me.” Clinton said he believes he has overcome his fear of women enough to hit the campaign trail on Hillary’s behalf. “When you’ve been taken advantage of like I have been, you get a little ‘gun-shy,’” Clinton admitted. “But the country needs Hilary, so I’ll have to suck it up and be brave enough to expose myself to risk.” “I’ll do whatever I’m asked to do,” the ex-president said. “If they want a piece of me, they can have it. I’ll drop everything if I have to. Whatever position they want me to take, I’ll take. Wherever and whenever they want me to come, I’ll come. I won’t hold back.” Senator Clinton said she was confident that “Bill will find a satisfying role to play in the campaign.” In related news, Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) announced that he will not be a candidate for president in 2008. “The voters had their chance to elect a genuine hero in 2004, but they blew it,” Kerry said. “I think I’m owed an apology. Until I get it, I’m not going to offer my services.” Meanwhile, Kerry says he is looking for someone to write his autobiography, tentatively titled “I Reported for Duty, but America Was AWOL.” “America needs to hear my story,” Kerry said. “Someone needs to write it for them.” Cheney Snubbed 2003 Iran Offer An Iranian offer to help the United States stabilize Iraq was rejected by Vice President Dick Cheney in 2003, says Lawrence Wilkerson, chief of staff for former Secretary of State Colin Powell. “It was shortly after the invasion of Iraq,” Wilkerson said. “Secretary Powell and I were in line to buy coffee at the Starbucks on E Street when this Middle Eastern looking guy handed us a napkin. I had already used it to wipe latte foam off my lip when I noticed there was writing on the back.” The unsigned missive offered to have Iranian troops relieve the “beleaguered American forces.” “We thought it was a very propitious moment to strike a deal,” Wilkerson said. “But the White House wouldn’t go along with us on it. They said the sloppily written and misspelled note and the manner of its delivery raised questions about its authenticity. Cheney called the idea that Iran could be trusted to stabilize the region ‘stupid.’” “We’ve had a lot stupider ideas than that, let me tell you,” Wilkerson insisted. “Besides, getting an important message on a napkin at a coffee shop is pretty routine. I once wrote a U.S./Nigerian trade agreement draft on a roll of toilet paper. When an inspiration hits you don’t always have time for the niceties. Frequently we have to transport highly sensitive documents concealed inside our underwear.” Wilkerson asserted that the Iraq Study Group’s recommendation that the U.S. turn to Iran and Syria for help in stabilizing the region “vindicated our initial belief that a golden opportunity had been missed. I mean, you can’t find a smarter man than Jim Baker. If he says Iran can be trusted who are we to doubt it?” Wilkerson said that in return for Iranian cooperation, the letter instructed that a bottle of Jack Daniels, a carton of Marlboros, and a package of Slim Jims be left inside the trash can on the northwest corner of The Elipse. “We felt this was a very reasonable price to pay for peace in Iraq,” Wilkerson said. “Because of Cheney’s lack of vision, Iran has now been forced to develop nuclear technology for purely peaceful purposes. I tremble at our fate with these incompetents in charge.” In related news, a spokesman for the Iranian Ministry of Nuclear Power predicted that within two years, Iran would have sufficient peaceful nuclear power to wipe Israel off the map. Former State Dept Official Sentenced for Improper Handling of Classified Documents A former high-level State Department official was sentenced to a year in prison for improper handling and storage of more than 3,500 classified documents. The papers were found at his Fairfax County home. Prosecutors said Donald W. Keyser possessed far more unauthorized classified documents than any government employee ever prosecuted by the Justice Department. Keyser is one of the nation’s leading experts on China and was a top adviser to Colin L. Powell, former secretary of state. State Department spokesman Ken Naught brushed off Keyser’s contention that the sheer volume of documents prevented proper protocol from being followed. “Knowledgeable people keep such documents in their underpants, like Sandy Berger did,” Naught said. “That’s why Berger goes free and Keyser goes to prison.” Al Franken Weighing Possible Senate Run Asserting that “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!” left-wing talk-show host and former comedian, Al Franken contacted Democratic lawmakers from Minnesota seeking their advice on a possible Senate run against Republican Sen. Norm Coleman next year. Franken said he’s very concerned with what he calls “America’s selfishness.” “Everywhere I look I see people grubbing for money, feeding their families, and looking out for number one,” Franken complained. “Where’s the concern for one’s fellow man?” “I say it’s time for Americans to ask not what their country can do for them, but what they can do for me, Al Franken,” he said. “I think America needs to hear this message and take appropriate action before it’s too late.” Franken said he was concerned about how people will respond to a former comedian running for the Senate. “I haven’t said or done anything funny in years,” Franken pointed out. “But some people might remember me from my ‘Saturday Night Live’ days and assume that since I was on an allegedly funny show that I can’t be taken seriously now.” Franken said he hopes to make a decision in the next few weeks. Last year, he moved his radio show from New York City to Minneapolis to get away from what he labeled New City’s “right-wing ambience.” Prison Inmates Outlive People on Outside Prison inmates are living longer on average than people on the outside according to a recently released study by the Justice Department. Inmates in state prisons are dying at an average yearly rate of 250 per 100,000. The rate for the rest of the population of people between age 15 and 64 is 308 per 100,000. The study was immediately hailed by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) as “supportive of the basic thrust of our platform for America.” “Unlike the average Americans, who Republicans cruelly expect to fend for themselves, prisoners have round-the-clock care,” Pelosi said. “Their food, clothing, and shelter are all provided for them. They have free health care. It’s a model for the kind of America we think the voters want. We’ll be looking at legislation to bring us closer to this ideal.” Rep Barney Frank (D-Mass.) said the findings also countered right-wing assertions that gay sex is unhealthy. “Gay sex is the only sex most of these inmates ever have when they are in prison,” Frank observed. “If it were unhealthy, these men wouldn’t be outliving the heterosexuals living on the outside. I think it is important that this lesson be taught in our schools. The myths diverting the young from natural homosexual impulses must be dispelled.” U.N. Panel to Project Climate Chaos A U.N. climate panel report is expected to project climate chaos for the foreseeable future. A draft report based on work by 2,500 scientists and due for release on February 2 in Paris, forecasts that the future is likely to bring droughts, floods, rising temperatures, falling temperatures, heat waves, cold snaps, and other inconsistent weather phenomena. “The pattern of instability that has plagued the planet for billions of years can be expected to continue,” says a report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC). The report urged universal adoption of the U.N.’s Kyoto Protocol, which, if universally adopted, is expected to slow the pace of man-made global warming by as much as one percent over the next century. “Antarctica might melt or we could have another ice age if we don’t get full compliance with the Kyoto Protocol,” said UN spokesman, William Pucker. “Polar bears could drown. Penguins might freeze. People will go out without umbrellas and get caught in the rain. Some will take a jacket only to discover that it is not needed. Others will be chilly and wish they had worn a coat. A few will have forgotten their keys and find themselves locked out of their homes. I’m sorry to say that the future climate is too uncertain for us to be certain of anything other than uncertainty. This is why it is so important to take action now even if we cannot be certain of the outcome.” In related news, an MIT study said there is enough geothermal heat seething below Earth’s hard rocky crust to help supply the United States with a significant fraction of the electricity it will need in the future, at competitive prices and with minimal environmental impact. Rep. Edward Markey (D-Mass.) says he will introduce legislation aimed at blocking the exploitation of this geothermal resource. “Cheap, clean energy will only perpetuate a comfortable lifestyle,” said Markey. “It is suffering that purifies the soul. Americans need to learn to do without, to make sacrifices, not poke more holes into Mother Earth.” China to “Purify” Internet Taking a cue from the U.S. Senate’s S.1--”A bill to provide greater transparency in the legislative process”--Chinese Communist Party chief Hu Jintao has vowed to “purify” the Internet in his country. “Your Senator Reid is right,” Hu declared. “These Internet bloggers don’t know what they are talking about. The government must take steps to suppress their errors.” Hu made his comments as the ruling party’s Politburo was studying China’s Internet, which claimed 137 million registered users at the end of 2006. Hu is considered a hard-line communist with little sympathy for individual freedom. “China will not succumb to the decadence of uncontrolled thought and expression,” Hu warned. “All will adhere to correct thought and fulfill their obligations to the state.” The Communist Party is concerned that China’s Internet users are abusing the technology to view pornography, download “vile” foreign music and films, play video games, and “spread lies alleging government corruption” when they should be focusing on the lessons of Marxist ideology. In related news, demographers now project that by 2020, China will have 30 million more men of marriageable age than women. The gender imbalance is a result of the country’s tough one-child per family policy. Traditional preferences for sons has led to the widespread practice of women aborting babies if an early term sonogram shows it is a girl. Communist Party leaders are hoping that a renewed emphasis on its “joy through toil” program will foster a “socially acceptable sublimation of sexual urges that will manifest itself in a surge of industrial output.” A fallback plan envisions the abolition of marriage. “Marx called for an end to bourgeois notions of family,” said Party spokesman Falun Dong. “Perhaps this gender gap will propel us toward this ultimate communist ideal.”
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Now
that Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) has declared her candidacy for
president in the 2008 election, speculation has turned toward the role
to be played by her husband, ex-president Bill Clinton. For starters,
Bill wasted no time in making a strong endorsement of his wife.