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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Debate over Cost of Defending Nation Heats Up
Feb. 10, 2007 Gates’ assertion was criticized as “biased and unbalanced” by Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean. “Gates is just giving one side of the story,” Dean said. “It is not for him to say whether the nation is worth defending. Not everyone agrees with that assertion. We need a full and open debate on the issue, not a leap to a pre-determined conclusion.” Dean referred to Democratic polling data that indicates 32% of those identifying themselves as Democrats disagree with the statement “The United States is worth defending.” “Granted this is not a majority of Democrats,” Dean conceded. “But it’s enough to say that we need to come up with a more balanced approach.” Dean suggested that “thresholds” or “criteria” be established that would “trigger” an active defense. “We could say that a certain number of Americans would have to be killed by terrorists or a foreign power before we would launch a defensive operation,” Dean said. “A million is a good round number that I think we could settle on.” Dean insisted that the million deaths figure was reasonable. “Look, more than a million Americans are aborted each year,” Dean pointed out. “We don’t see a groundswell of support for taking action against that. So, why should we get worked up if less than a million Americans are killed by terrorists?” San Francisco Mayor Says Negative Reaction to His Affair & Alcohol Problem Unfair San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom said he cannot understand why people are so upset with him. News of Newsome’s sexual affair with his former appointments secretary, Ruby Rippey-Tourk, wife of former Newsom adviser Alex Tourk has sparked criticism and calls for his resignation. Unsurprisingly, the criticism has not been ameliorated by Newsome’s announcement that he is going to undergo treatment for alcoholism. “I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” Newsome complained. “President Clinton had lots of affairs, but he’s ‘Mr. Cool’ with the media. Senator Kennedy got drunk, drove off a bridge and killed a young woman he was having an affair with and nobody’s calling for him to step down. I’m no worse then either of these guys.” Former President Clinton shrugged off Newsome’s remarks as “sour grapes.” “The man is obviously jealous,” Clinton said. “He’s had one affair and he thinks he can compare himself to me? I’m America’s favorite ex-president. My biography’s a best seller. Everywhere I go, women throw themselves at me. Newsome’s what, mayor of ‘Gay Town, USA?’ He’s not even in my league.” Senator Kennedy was not as forgiving. “Mary Jo’s been dead more than 30 years,” Kennedy said. “It’s ‘old news.’ I’ve moved on with my life. It’s mean-spirited for Mayor Newsome to bring this up at such a late date. It shows a real lack of decency on his part.” Meat Scarcity Hits Venezuela Meat has become a rare commodity in Venezuelan supermarkets. Government price controls have driven all but the least palatable scraps, like chicken feet, from the marketplace. President Hugo Chavez blamed the food supply problems on unscrupulous capitalists. “These greedy pigs insist they must make a profit if they are to be able to serve their customers,” Chavez said. “They defy my decree that need must take precedence over profit. Their pleas that they cannot afford to take the losses will not turn me away from my determination to bring socialism to my country.” “We will confiscate every business, we will imprison every capitalist if we have to,” Chavez threatened. “I will have obedience. The National Assembly has granted me full power to do as I wish.” Last month the National Assembly awarded Chavez dictatorial authority to rule by decree with the legislators chanting “Fatherland, socialism or death!” Chavez says he is confident that, with his new authority, he can deliver all three. Palestinians Vow to Step Up Suicide Bombings The military wing of Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas’ Fatah party has threatened to send a new wave of suicide bombers into Israel. “There are martyrs on their way to Israeli cities. We will keep sending bombers until Israel gives us back our land,” said Abu Nasser, deputy commander of the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades in the northern West Bank. Nasser claimed his group was increasing its efforts to conduct suicide bombings in Israel in response to Israeli renovation work near the Temple Mount in the Old City of Jerusalem. The work entails repair of a ramp that provides access to a gate that leads to the Mount. It is the small excavation in support of this construction that has sparked widespread Arab opposition. “The dirt Israel is removing belongs to us,” Nasser declared. “Each clod they remove will inspire another martyr. We will fill the excavation with Jewish blood.” “The Israelis say that the work is taking place in the Jewish Quarter outside the Temple Mount and that it poses no threat whatsoever to the Mount,” said Nasser. “There is no Jewish Quarter in Palestine. These are all Muslim lands. The Jews are occupiers and oppressors. We will kill every last one that remains in our land. Their only hope of surviving is to go back to where they came from.” Nasser asserts that the Israelis are illegally blocking Palestinian entry into Israel. “The fences and troops are hampering our martyr operations,” Nasser complained. “This is the apartheid of which Jimmy Carter has written.” Carter confirmed Nasser’s assessment. “This is exactly what I was talking about in my book,” Carter said. “It’s easy to see why Muhammad called Jews pigs and monkeys. They’re where they’re not wanted, flaunting their prosperity in the faces of the downtrodden Palestinians, nurturing feelings of hopelessness and rage. Can we really blame the Palestinians for wanting to kill them? Then, when I speak these truths the Jews slander me with the charge that I am anti-Semitic.” (Carter’s book—”Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid”—has sparked widespread protests from various Jewish groups.) In related news, a survey of 3,850 people in six Arab countries rated President George W. Bush as the worst world leader ever. The most admired world leader was Adolph Hitler. Chinese Communists Crackdown on Meteorological Information In January, the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) announced the official implementation of the “Regulation to Manage Meteorological Survey Data,” which strictly censors weather information. The new regulation stipulates that foreign individuals and organizations are prohibited from carrying out meteorological observations or communicating anything observed without permission. Those who violate the regulation will be charged with spying and may be imprisoned or executed depending upon the severity of the offense. CCP spokesman Moon Yu explained, “Say you look out a hotel window and see that it is raining and tell your in-room companion. That would be a minor offense punishable by up to six months in prison. If someone calls you on the phone and asks ‘how’s the weather?’ and you tell him, that would be an intermediate offense if it is a domestic call and a class 1 felony if it is an international call. That’s a 5 to 10 year sentence. It would only be a capital offense if you were to tape or broadcast audio or video representations of the weather.” Moon characterized the restrictions as necessary for the security of China and called the penalties “moderate” and “well-reasoned.” “There are capitalist spies and provocateurs eager to harm the Chinese people by conveying distorted information about our weather,” Moon said. “I have heard these spies report that ‘it is raining cats and dogs.’ This slanders our nation. Such economic warfare aimed at discouraging tourism cannot be ignored.” “An even more frightening prospect is that the transmission of weather information may be the prelude to a sneak attack,” Moon speculated. “Enemy aircraft and amphibious invasion forces would be very interested in China’s weather. We cannot let our guard down against an enemy fifth column operating from inside our borders.” Columnist Dies in Freak Accident In what authorities are saying must have been a “freak accident,” political columnist and former advisor to President Clinton, Dick Morris was found dead in his Connecticut home. Police at the scene reported that Morris’ charred body was found with an electrical cord around his neck, a knife in his back, and two gunshot wounds to the head. “As far as we can reconstruct events, it looks like Mr. Morris was making some toast when he became entangled in the toaster cord,” said Sergeant Ed Dodd of the Redding Police Department. “Then in an attempt to cut the cord, he plunged the kitchen knife into his back. As he tried to break his fall, he inadvertently dislodged a hunting rifle from is mount above the living room mantelpiece, it discharged twice, striking him in the head both times. A spark from the frayed cord must have started a fire that charred the body.” Morris had been planning a documentary exposing Hillary Clinton as a “phony.” Morris told friends that the documentary would present Hillary’s conflicting statements side-by-side and demonstrate her lies and misrepresentations alongside the facts. The documentary also purportedly planned to disclose former President Bill Clinton’s involvement in controversial matters ranging from his pardons as president to his lobbying work for Arab governments. Both former and future presidents Clinton expressed sadness at the news. “Dick was a good friend and an important contributor to my election as president,” Bill Clinton recalled. “This hurts more than Vince’s suicide.” (Vincent Foster, a close associate of the Clintons since their Arkansas days, was found shot to death in Fort Marcy Park in July 1993. Investigators ruled he had committed suicide.) “Dick’s tragic accidental death shows how dangerous even the simplest of our actions can be,” said Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY). “It’s tragedies like this that highlight the need for universal health care. When I’m elected president next year, I will enact a comprehensive health care law as a memorial to Dick Morris. He will not have died in vain.” Oregon Governor Seeks to Replace State Climatologist Governor Ted Kulongoski (D-Oregon) says the state’s current climatologist must be replaced. “The man is an unbeliever in global warming. Having him in this position undermines my ability to convince the citizens that we must raise taxes, restrict travel, rein-in consumption and lead more regulated lives if we are to combat the global warming crisis.” George Taylor, a professor at Oregon State University, has held the title of “State Climatologist” since being named to the post by the University in 1991. Taylor doesn’t dispute data that show global temperatures have increased over the past century. He maintains, though, that natural factors have played a bigger role than man in this trend. Sen. Brad Avakian (D-Washington County) is sponsoring a bill that would allow the governor to appoint the state’s climatologist. “The notion that the state’s climatologist ought to be some ‘ivory tower’ academic is politically unacceptable,” Avakian said. “Global warming is too important an issue to be left to an unappointed scientist. We must have policy consistency. If the governor says there is global warming and man has caused it we can’t have some pointy-headed intellectual rocking the boat.”
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Defense
Secretary Robert M. Gates told the House Armed Services Committee that
the president’s fiscal 2008 defense budget request may be high, but the
expenditure is necessary to ensure an adequate national defense. “The
costs of defending the nation are high,” Gates admitted. “The only thing
costlier, ultimately, would be to fail to commit the resources necessary
to defend our interests around the world and to fail to prepare for the
inevitable threats of the future.”