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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Arabs Uproot Trees
Feb. 17, 2007 “The desert is Allah’s beloved land,” said Mushad Numbskuhl, as he brandished one of the uprooted saplings. “The desert is where Mohammed first heard the word of God. The Jews are vandalizing these sacred Muslim lands when they defile it with their irrigation and planting. It is for Allah to decide where the water flows and the plants grow.” The region is believed to have been forested thousands of years ago. But unsustainable exploitation of these forests to obtain wood, mainly for heating purposes, has resulted in the largely arid landscape of today. “We will chop every tree, burn every bush, and destroy every well if that it what it takes to fulfill Allah’s will,” said Numbskuhl. Rep. Jefferson Gets Homeland Security Seat Rep. William J. Jefferson (D-La.), the subject of an ongoing federal bribery probe, was appointed to a seat on the House Homeland Security Committee by Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.). “The persecution of Representative Jefferson by Bush Administration thugs should not be allowed to impede his efforts to serve his constituency,” Pelosi said. “They have spied on his business negotiations. They have invaded his private space. His name has been dragged through the mud. But the people of Louisiana have rejected the smears launched against this man and given him their vote of confidence to represent them.” The appointment is believed to be aimed at giving Jefferson a greater opportunity to obtain money for the people in his district, particularly those still suffering from damage caused by 2005’s Hurricane Katrina. “Mr. Jefferson has demonstrated the skills necessary to secure funds from donors,” Pelosi continued. “His efforts in the telecommunications negotiations in Africa were especially fruitful. We’re confident he is the man who can bring home the bacon for the long-suffering victims in his district.” Jefferson has been the target of a federal investigation focusing on bribes he accepted when he attempted to help set up some telecommunications deals in Africa for a company called iGate Inc. The FBI has accumulated a significant amount of evidence in the case, including video of Jefferson accepting a $100,000 cash bribe and $90,000 in cash they found hidden in a freezer at his home. Chavez May Hasten Pace of Nazification Program Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez threatened to step up the pace of his Nazification program to deal with the emerging food crisis. Supermarket owners and food distributors have been put in a bind by government mandated controls that place the selling prices of their merchandise below the cost of obtaining new inventories. “If they continue to disobey me, I’m going to take their properties and nationalize them,” Chavez said. “I cannot abide these blood-sucking capitalist parasites. My people must be freed from this pestilence even if it means I must personally exterminate every last one of them myself.” Chavez has been intent on nationalizing “strategic” sectors of the economy since winning re-election in December. He has moved quickly to take over electricity and phone companies since the National Assembly gave him authority to enact sweeping measures by decree and accelerate the country’s transformation to a socialist economy modeled on the one established in Cuba by Fidel Castro. President Chavez told a gathering of pensioners that he was building a “new Venezuela that will last for a thousand years” and is waiting for the “first excuse” to take “stern measures to ensure obedience and order prevail in the Venezuelan fatherland.” UK Hospital Removes Light Bulbs Facing a budget shortfall of £24million over the next 18 months, Epsom Hospital has removed 40 light bulbs from hospital corridors. Critics have questioned the move on both health and financial grounds. The dimmer lighting is expected to save the hospital about £125 over the 18-month time span. Unfortunately, the overtime wages that had to be paid to the unionized custodial workers who removed the bulbs amounted to over £160. Anne Bullock, spokeswoman for the National Health Service (NHS) conceded that “this initial foray into cost-cutting has come a cropper. We’re not used to all this efficiency folderol.” Bullock said there may yet be a “silver lining” to the light bulb misstep. “The dimmer lighting has slowed everything down,” Bullock observed. “This means that fewer operations can be accomplished in a given time. Since each operation costs money, having fewer of them performed will save us having to pay for them.” The downside of these projected savings is an anticipated lengthening of the already long waits for some surgical procedures, a consequence Bullock labeled “tolerable.” “Patience—keeping a ‘stiff upper lip,’ as we say—is one of our great strengths,” Bullock said. “I think that once people realize that the only way to preserve the National Health Service is to delay or forgo health services, they will rally behind us.” Sadr Visiting “Friends” in Iran Just as U.S. troops began their sweep to crack down on Iraqi sectarian violence, anti-American Muslim cleric, Moqtada al Sadr and members of his private army left Iraq for an indeterminate stay in Iran. According to spokesmen for al Sadr, he left Baghdad to visit some old friends in Tehran, where he also has family. In a bid to encourage him to return before President Bush’s surge strategy might work, the Democratic leadership of the U.S. Congress has passed a non-binding vote criticizing the strategy. “Voters didn’t send a Democratic majority to congress to have us sit idly by while Bush plots to undermine everything we’ve worked so hard to achieve,” said Rep. John Murtha (D-Penn). “The people have given us a mandate to counter the president’s foreign and national security policy schemes. Our message to Mr. Sadr is that he needn’t give up hope. We’re on the case. We’ll do what it takes to see that the policies of Mr. Bush are replaced by a new direction.” Sadr has sought to reassure members of his Mahdi Army left behind in Iraq that his thoughts and prayers will be with them during these difficult times. He called charges of cowardice “unfair.” “This trip was planned a long time ago, way before the recent surge in U.S. attacks,” Sadr claimed. “My airline tickets were non-refundable. It would’ve been a waste not to use them.” Sadr says he hasn’t abandoned his followers, promising to call everyday or so and to religiously watch for news on al-Jazeera. “It’s not like I will be a stranger,” Sadr said. “I will be with my people in spirit, if not in body.” No specific date has been set for his return, Sadr says. “I have so many friends here and my family is quite large,” Sadr pointed out. “It would be an insult to deny any of them the pleasure of seeing me. I cannot say how long it will take for me to satisfy all the demands on my time.” Democratic Presidential Candidates Trade Barbs The two current frontrunners for the Democratic presidential nomination took some shots at each other as the race for the 2008 election heats up. Barack Obama landed the first blow portraying himself as a fresh face capable of leading a new generation. “America needs a leader with vision and vigor, not a shrill harpy of limited perspicacity,” Obama told a crowd of supporters. “What are we to make of a senator who voted for the war, but is now against the war,” Obama said. “Didn’t we have enough of this flip-flopping from our party’s candidate in the 2004 race?” Obama mocked Senator Hillary Clinton’s (D-NY) assertion that she wouldn’t have voted for the war had she known then what she knows now. “One has to wonder how the so-called ‘smartest woman in the world’ could be duped by a clod like George Bush,” Obama mused. “Then I remember, this is a woman who says she was completely ignorant of her husband’s habit of dropping his pants for any woman he could get alone in a room. Is she a liar or a moron? You be the judge.” Apprised of Obama’s remarks, Senator Clinton belittled his inexperience. “This is pretty brash talk for someone who’s still sucking his thumb,” Clinton retorted. “Do the voters want a person who has already gotten eight years of experience in the White House or some runny-nosed kid? Who do they trust to redistribute America’s wealth for the common good?” Clinton predicted that she will easily best Obama in next year’s primaries. “I’m already way ahead in the polls,” she reminded. “I will kill him in the primaries. You know, many of those who will vote in the Democratic primaries will probably think that Obama is the leader of the al-Qaeda terrorists that attacked America on 9-11. Between that and the fact that most women will be voting their gonads, his campaign is doomed. He ought to quit before he gets hurt.” Atlanta to Bulldoze Its Public Housing The City of Atlanta announced it will be leveling all of its public housing during the next year. The demolition will affect more than 3,000 units and 9,600 residents at a dozen properties. Residents will be told to “get off the duffs and get a job.” “Look, this public housing program has been a total failure,” said Atlanta Housing Authority spokesman, Franklin Speaker. “The contract administration for the construction was inept. The building was shoddy. The tenants abuse the property. Criminals terrorize the neighborhoods. Drugs and unsafe sex are the major sources of entertainment. Let’s face it, these housing projects are cesspools of social pathologies. Evicting the residents and tearing down the structures will be an act of mercy and a benefit to the community.” Bill Aims to Reform Unionization Process The “Employee Free Choice Act,” (H.R. 800) now under consideration in congress, would change the process of union elections. Under the measure, workers in a workplace would sign cards that would be collected by the union. Once a majority had signed such cards all workers would be forced to join the union. This new process would replace the current law, which requires an election with secret ballots administered by the National Labor Relations Board. Rep. Dennis J. Kucinich, (D-Ohio), a co-sponsor of the bill, said the legislation would bring “transparency to the process.” “The way it is now, the balloting is secret,” Kucinich pointed out. “There’s no way for the union officials to know who voted for or against the union.” Kucinich asserted that knowing who votes which way is important for the unions to know so they can more accurately focus their educational efforts. “Without this information, union officials would be reduced to trying to guess who was for and against them,” Kucinich said. “How will they know who to threaten, which cars to vandalize, who to beat up? Are they supposed to pick people at random? I think we can all agree that the ability to better target the education would lead to a more efficient system.”
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Members
of Bnei Akiva, an Israeli youth movement, saw their efforts to begin to
undo some of the ecological damage done to the region over the millennia
undone when thousands of the trees they had planted were uprooted by
Arabs protesting that “Jews are vandalizing sacred Muslim lands.” This
latest attempt to prevent the reforestation of the area is a repeat of
uprootings of trees planted two tears ago.