Clinton blamed the Bush administration for squandering worldwide goodwill in the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. “After 9/11 the world sympathized with us,” Clinton said. “They saw that we, too, were victims. Victimhood is the highest moral status one can have. President Bush has squandered this precious status with his aggressive retaliation against the terrorists. It’s very sad to me.”

Clinton emphasized the need to try to reclaim victimhood status, but saw U.S. military strength as a key impediment. “Because we have the strongest military in the world we cannot credibly pose as victims,” Clinton reasoned. “This is where the process must begin if we are to convince the world that we are no better than everyone else.”

Funds saved from downsizing U.S. Armed Forces should be invested in a universal healthcare program, Clinton suggested. “There are some intriguing results coming out of Gambia,” Clinton said. “I think we would do well to pay heed and redirect our efforts accordingly.”

In related news, Gambian President, Yahya Jammeh, announced he has discovered a cure for AIDS. The cure consists of a green paste being applied to a patient’s chest. Then a grey liquid is splashed on. Finally, the patient is given a yellow potion to drink, followed by two bananas. This free “cure” is backed by Gambia’s health ministry and is touted on the country’s TV and radio stations. Jammeh called his method “foolproof.” “No one who has taken my cure has died of AIDS,” Jammeh asserted.

Critics have pointed out that there is no evidence that any of those supposedly cured ever had AIDS. “This is on a par with Jammeh’s claim last year that he invented a whistle that guards its users from being eaten by tigers,” said World Health Organization spokesman Umberto Real. “Jammeh’s 100% success rate is due to the fact that there are no tigers in Gambia, not his idiotic invention.”

Alien Rights Movement Gaining Momentum

A bill has been introduced that would grant non-citizen immigrants the right to vote in New York City municipal elections. “More than 50,000 of New York City’s adult non-citizens are disenfranchised by archaic citizenship requirements,” said Abby Dammed, of New Immigrant Community Empowerment. “The idea that these people should have to pass some sort of test on the Constitution and American history to vote is ludicrous. We let native-born morons who don’t even know who the president is vote. We let lard-asses on welfare vote. Why not let these hard-working immigrants vote?”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) called the proposal “an interesting concept.” “We’ve banned literacy as a voting requirement for citizens,” Pelosi observed. “We don’t require citizens to speak English to vote. Why should we get fussy about aliens voting?”

Pelosi pointed to recently passed legislation that she says helps support the argument for doing away with citizenship requirements for voting. “The new revisions in the Pell Grant program to help students attend college will allow illegal immigrants to participate,” Pelosi said. “Is it sensible to say that a college-educated illegal immigrant would be a worse voter than an uneducated citizen?”

The California Democrat also offered the opinion that comprehensive immigration reform would render the immigrant/citizen distinction moot. “We’re going to grant them all amnesty anyway,” Pelosi said. “Why prolong the agony by stubbornly insisting they jump through another hoop to gain citizenship before they vote?”

Egypt Cracks Down on Free Speech

In Egypt, a court convicted an Internet blogger for insulting Islam and sentenced him to four years in jail. Abdel Karim Suleiman was the first blogger to stand trial in Egypt for his Internet writings. He was convicted in connection with eight articles he wrote over the last two years.

One of Suleiman’s articles said that al-Azhar University in Cairo was promoting extreme ideas. He has also described some of the companions of the Muslim prophet Muhammad as “terrorists”, and has likened Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak to dictatorial pharaohs who ruled ancient Egypt.

The court’s decision was assailed from both sides. “These ‘bloggers’ denounce me because they think they have a right to freely express their slanderous opinions about me,” Mubarak complained. “Free speech must be responsible speech. We must draw the line against unwarranted criticisms.”

“My court’s efforts to uphold dignified standards for free speech are denounced as insufficiently harsh by Islamic fanatics,” Mubarak continued. “A prison sentence is decried as ‘western dilution’ of sacred Muslim law. They say that severing the offending limb is the minimum acceptable punishment. I just can’t win.”

“Slaying unbelievers and Jews is not an extreme idea,” said Grand Imam Mohammed Sayyed Tantawi of al-Azhar University. “It is commanded by the Quran. Sulieman has defamed Islam with his criticisms. Killing him would be justified. This paltry prison sentence shows the inroads decadent western ideas have made on the Mubarak regime. He should remember what happened to Sadat.”

Pakistani Moderate Gunned Down

In Pakistan, Zilla Huma Usman, the minister for social welfare in Punjab province and an ally of President Pervez Musharraf, was killed by a “fanatic” who believed that she was dressed inappropriately and that women should not be involved in politics. Usman was wearing the shalwar kameez rather than the burqa or hijab required by Sharia law.

Usman, a married mother of two sons, is a strong supporter of President Pervez Musharraf’s policy of “enlightened moderation.” In April 2005, she encouraged the holding of a mini-marathon involving female competitors in Gujranwala – an event which led to riots when armed Islamic activists attempted to disrupt the race.

The gunman who killed her, Mohammad Sarwar, said that he had carried out God’s order to kill women who sinned. “I have no regrets. I just obeyed Allah’s commandment. This ‘enlightened moderation’ is Satan’s work. Islam does not allow women to hold positions of leadership. Allah commands that women be covered when out in public. These sins against Allah’s word must be severely punished. It is the duty of every Muslim man to kill all those women who do not follow the right path.”

Islamists Deter Vaccinations

Also in Pakistan, thousands of parents refused to allow health workers to administer polio vaccinations to their children last month, mostly due to rumors that the harmless vaccine was an American plot to sterilize innocent Muslim children. The disinformation -- spread by clerics using mosque loudspeakers -- has caused a sharp jump in polio cases in Pakistan.

The scaremongering and appeals to Islam echoed a similar campaign in the Nigerian state of Kano in 2003, where the disease then spread to 12 polio-free countries over the following 18 months. Pakistan is one of just four countries where polio remains endemic. The others are Nigeria, India and Afghanistan.

Maulana Fazlullah, denounced the anti-polio campaign through a local FM radio station. “We have already seen these vaccines cause men’s penises to shrivel and disappear in Nigeria,” Fazlullah said. “Now they are bringing their ‘black magic’ here.”

Fazlullah claimed that Muslim fecundity has frightened “an increasingly impotent west to resort to this diabolic scheme to thwart Islam’s eventual domination of the world.”

A cleric named Mufti Khalid Shah declared a fatwa on doctors and nurses working on the vaccination program because “they are poisoning Muslims with these vile concoctions. Killing these infidels is in line with the teachings of jihad in Islam.”

Poliomyelitis is an acute viral infection of the nervous system. One in two hundred infections leads to permanent paralysis. In 5-10 percent of these cases the victims die when the breathing muscles are paralyzed. More than 2 billion children have been immunized against the disease since 1988. The World Health Organization estimates that because of the initiative five million fewer people have been paralyzed by the disease.

Mugabe Says He Will Free All His People from the Burden of Toil

Aiming to build upon government confiscation of hundreds of white-owned farms that has helped propel Zimbabwe to a 1,600 percent inflation rate, while simultaneously boosting unemployment to 80 percent of the workforce, President Robert Mugabe now plans to nationalize the country’s diamond resources. Zimbabwe has two diamond mines: Murowa, which is owned by Rio Tinto and Riozim, and the privately-owned River Ranch.

Mugabe emphasized that seizing the mines is merely the “next step” in his plan to totally “Africanize” Zimbabwe’s economy. “Zimbabwe is a black man’s country,” Mugabe said. “Its resources must be owned by the black man. I am that man.” Under Mugabe’s Africanization plan, title to all properties will be placed in his name and held in trust for the benefit of the Zimbabwean people.

Progress toward a socialist utopia was “on track,” according to Mugabe. “We are as close as any country has been to achieving Marx’s vision of the withering away of the state,” Mugabe bragged. “Cuba may be the darling of the media, but it is we who have enabled 80% of our workers to join the leisure class, not they. And we are, I believe, very close to relieving all of our people from the burdens of toil.”

In an effort to rebut concerns that upcoming elections will be rigged, Mugabe gave his personal pledge that the vote, scheduled for June, would be free and fair. Mugabe insisted that it was inconceivable that the opposition party, the Movement for Democratic Change (MDC), could win a majority of the 120 seats being contested. “Jimmy Carter will be overseeing the elections,” Mugabe said. “If Morgan Tsvangirai, the MDC leader, can win, under such circumstances, then we will know for sure that we have been visited upon by the devil.”

Ailing Cuban dictator, Fidel Castro, labeled Mugabe’s claims “idle boasts.” Castro insisted that his people had so much leisure time that hundreds of thousands have taken up sailing. “Many have built their own boats,” Castro pointed out. “Unfortunately, too many of them have been kidnapped by American pirates before we could rescue them.”

Edwards Challenges Carter for America’s Leading Anti-Semite Role

Jealous of the attention former President Jimmy Carter has garnered as America’s most famous anti-Semite as a result of authoring the book—Palestine: Peace, Not Apartheid—former senator and current presidential candidate, John Edwards put in his bid for a fair share of the attention by asserting that Israel is the major threat to world peace.

Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh of Hamas called Edwards’ remarks “encouraging.” But added “Edwards still has a long way to go if he hopes to displace President Carter in our hearts.”

Bush Has Two Moles Removed

A doctor removed two moles from President Bush’s left temple. Speculation is that these moles may have been the source of leaks of the classified information that has been showing up in the pages of the New York Times. President Bush said he is kicking himself for not paying more attention to the moles and expressed hope that their removal would put an end to the leaks.