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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Gore Defends High Energy Consumption
March 3, 2007 Gore said his transportation needs were similarly justified. “I’m in high demand,” Gore boasted. “I’m getting paid $175,000 a speech. I can’t afford to waste time waiting in line for public transportation. Under such circumstances I think private limos and private jets are fully justified.” The average household in America consumes about 11,000 kilowatt-hours (kWh) a year, according to the Department of Energy. In 2006, the Gore household consumed over 220,000 kWh--more than 20 times as much. Gore likewise rejected the charge of hypocrisy. “Look, my message is that people shouldn’t be allowed to consume more energy than they need,” Gore contended. “There’s no hypocrisy. I and my family need more than the average person or household. Under my climate control plan, the government would sort all this out and determine allocations based on need. I have no doubt that my greater need would be recognized and allowed by my plan.” “I’m not asking people to bear the burden of trying to decide how to conserve,” Gore said. “This places too much pressure on each individual. I’m saying that the government needs to make these decisions and enforce them with appropriate sanctions against those who refuse to conform to the government’s directives. I will also abide by these directives, just like everyone else.” Hillary Clinton Grabs for Husband’s Coattails Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.) sought to boost what some say is a sagging presidential campaign, by emphasizing who she is married to. Coming off a week of bitter exchanges with rival Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.), Sen. Clinton pointed out that with her in the White House, America would have the benefit of a president who is advised by a former president. “It’s really a unique opportunity for America,” Hillary said. “Bill would be back in the White House giving the country the benefit of his eight years of previous experience.” “Who even knows who Obama’s married to?” Hillary asked. “You’ve got the least experienced senator and a nobody spouse as his confident and advisor. Is that pathetic or what?” Hillary called her husband “the most popular person in the world right now. Just the other day Chris Matthews compared Bill to Jesus Christ. How could voters settle for anything less?’’ Chris Matthews, host of MSNBC’s “Hardball”—a program dedicated to the exploration of men’s sexual fantasies—asserted that Bill Clinton “has more charisma than Jesus Christ right now. I mean, I bet more women would get down on their knees for President Clinton than for Jesus if they had the choice.” A spokesman for Sen. Barrak Obama discounted Sen. Clinton’s contention that her husband would be such a great asset. “Bill Clinton might be in the White House if Hillary is elected, but I doubt it’d be Hillary he was ‘advising.’ We think America was diddled enough by the Clintons the first time around. They don’t need a rerun.” U.N. Eyes Climate Plan After a two-year study, an 18-member group of scientists, representing 11 nations, presented the United Nations with a sweeping, detailed plan to combat climate change. The plan calls for “paying scientists like ourselves billions more dollars for research” and establishing a global temperature “ceiling.” Global temperatures rose an average 1.3 degrees Fahrenheit over the past 100 years. The researchers assert that if nothing is done, global temperatures could rise as much as 11 degrees more by 2100. “We are confident that a robustly funded research program and dedicated implementation of the Kyoto Protocols can reduce this forecasted rise in temperatures by as much as one percent,” said panel member Jacob D. Price of the Woods Hole Research Center. The projected research budget is in a “robust” $50 billion/year range. Price acknowledged that the projected one percent impact was smaller than the accuracy of our ability to measure it, but asserted that “every little bit helps” and “how can you put a price on the future of the planet.” He assured the media that “these reputable scientists can be trusted not to waste the money on ineffectual nostrums.” The temperature ceiling idea was defended as a “morale booster” even though “we currently have no idea on how we could possibly achieve such a goal.” U.S. Postal Service Removing Clocks from Post Offices Over the last year, clocks have been removed from more than 37,000 post offices. The move is said to be “part of a retail restructuring aimed at craving out a unique niche in the marketplace.” “Having a clock tick away puts too much pressure on our postal employees,” said Stephen Seewaster, spokesman for the U.S. Postal Service. “We want to slow down the pace and create a more relaxed atmosphere. There’s too much time-pressure in today’s society. The Post Office should be a place where one can take step back into the past when life moved at a slower pace and find a refuge from the hustle and bustle of modern life.” “You can’t expect us to compete with UPS or FedEx,” Seewaster continued. “People who need speed or efficiency can go elsewhere or use e-mail. We’re targeting a different market segment.” Seewaster pointed out that a slower paced USPS might be ideal for those trying to delay paying bills or needing an excuse for not meeting delivery due dates. “If you need a few extra days for a check to clear or if you really aren’t ready to deliver, the USPS is the perfect alibi,” Seewaster said. “We can also damage or misroute packages if necessary. These are needs that the private-sector delivery services are not well-equipped to handle.” Democrats Want to Outlaw Price Gouging Concerned that gasoline prices might again top $3 a gallon, Rep. Bart Stupak (D-Mich.) has introduced a bill (HR 1252) that would establish a federal law against price gouging by oil and gas companies. The bill would empower the Federal Trade Commission to levy criminal penalties and fines of up to $150 million for corporations and $2 million for individuals engaging in price gouging in the sale of crude oil, home heating oil, propane and natural gas. Last year, FTC Chairwoman Deborah Platt Majoras argued against a federal price gouging law saying it would be difficult to enforce and could hurt consumers by causing fuel shortages. “How does the government know what’s a ‘reasonable price?’” Majoras asked. “Why isn’t the price mutually agreed upon by buyer and seller a ‘reasonable price?’” Stupak said he is unwilling to trust the market to set prices and is willing to accept shortages if that’s what is necessary to prevent profiteering. “Shortages force everyone to sacrifice and suffer, just like we did in the 1970s,” Stupak observed. “Back then, as President Carter said, we had the ‘moral equivalent of war’ against the profiteers. We put on sweaters. We made new friends with others in the gas lines with us. We were united as a nation.” “Last year, there was no sense of crisis,” Stupak complained. “People just paid the higher prices and went on their way. There was no role for the government. This is not the way we want to live. I didn’t get into politics in order to let the market solve problems. As a Democrat, I feel it is my job to prevent this from happening. This is why I was elected. This is what I intend to do.” Fidel Castro Says He’s Eager to Get Back to Oppressing His People Cuban dictator Fidel Castro called in to Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez’s radio talk show to say that he’s on the mend and looking forward to resuming his duties as president. “You know how hard it is to keep the revolution on track,” Castro confided. “No matter how much you do for the people, some still question your authority and motives.” The 80-year-old Castro temporarily transferred control of Cuba’s government to his younger brother Raul after undergoing intestinal surgery in July. “Raul is doing okay for now,” Castro said, “However, he’s young and relatively inexperienced as a leader. I don’t know if he can handle the long-haul. I mean, he’s been very obedient and faithful to me, but following orders isn’t the same as giving them.” Castro also expressed enthusiasm about Cuba’s new experimental wind farm, calling it a “model socialist enterprise.” The $3.4 million investment features six French-designed 180-foot windmills. “The engineers tell me that net of operating and maintenance costs, the investment will pay for itself in only 112 years,” Castro said. “Of course, the wind does not always blow. Looking on the bright side, though, this will prevent us from becoming dependent upon electricity like the American capitalist pigs have. We will preserve spontaneity and a sense of adventure.” “But I digress,” Castro said apologetically. “Hugo, don’t let anyone tell you you’re wrong. Crack heads if you have to. Don’t let anything stand in the way of your effort to bring the revolution to Venezuela.” UK’s Prince Charles Calls for Ban on McDonald’s Calling the “Big Mac” a major threat to world health, the United Kingdom’s Prince Charles declared “If I ruled the world McDonald’s and their fast food ilk would be banned.” “People should have their servants prepare fresh and wholesome organic meals for them,” the Prince suggested. “Camilla and I consult with the palace chef weekly to ensure that our diet is not degraded by inferior foods. I don’t see why others cannot make a similar effort. If fast food restaurants didn’t exist, maybe they would.” Charles admitted that he has been unable to convince his son, Prince Harry, to refrain from occasionally eating at fast food outlets. “That’s why we need to outlaw these establishments,” Charles explained. “I wouldn’t have to argue with him if he had no opportunity to buy such rot.” Ex-Senator Says He’s Ready to Reenter Politics Former Senator Tom Daschle (D-S.D.) says he would gladly come out of retirement and serve as vice-president if asked. “I know that being vice-president can be a dull, do-nothing job,” Daschle said. “Al Gore pretty much proved that anyone can handle it. But being retired in South Dakota is no picnic either. I’m going nuts just hanging around this god-forsaken ‘nowheresville.’” Daschle said he had not been contacted by any of the Democrats seeking their party’s presidential nomination. “It’s as if I didn’t exist or something,” Daschle griped. “I used to be somebody. I was Senate Majority Leader for Christ’s sake.” Daschle said he is hoping that his endorsement of Senator Barrak Obama (D-Ill.) for president will garner some attention. “A white man endorsing a Black Muslim ought to get me some ‘profiles-in-courage’ points,” Daschle said. “I’ll even get sex-change surgery if that’s what it takes to get back in the game.”
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Former
vice-president and global warming guru, Al Gore, rebuffed critics who
see his high usage of energy at home and in his travels as
“hypocritical.” “My monthly electric bills aren’t out of line when you
consider the fact that I live in a large mansion and have many friends
over for parties and dinners,” Gore said. “People who have no friends
and live in smaller houses can get by with using less energy. I have to
maintain a standard of living more compatible with my importance as a
human being compared to the average person.”