Democrats Want Gitmo Prisoners Released on 'Own Recognizance'

Based on observations he conducted during two trips to Guantanamo, Moran said he's recommending Congress cut funding to the detention center. “Holding these men is expensive and unjust,” Moran asserted. “They should be granted bail and allowed to go free until they can be tried in a court of law. Those who cannot afford bail should be released ‘on their own recognizance.’” Accused released “on their own recognizance” sign documents promising not to leave the court’s jurisdiction and to show up for trial.

“Not having to feed, house, and clothe these people will save taxpayers’ money,” Moran said. “Requiring them to stay within the court’s jurisdiction will stimulate the economy by injecting the private sector spending for their upkeep into the U.S. GDP. Let’s say that one or more of these men take the opportunity to plot a terrorist attack, the bomb-making materials will be purchased from U.S. businesses. This will add demand and promote economic growth.”

Moran claims that his plan will help make prosecuting these men easier. “We have to prove they actually did something that was designed to hurt American citizens," Moran said. “By releasing them, yet insisting they stay in America, we will be giving them the opportunity to further incriminate themselves. I call it ‘giving them enough rope to hang themselves.’”

While admitting that releasing these men would seem to pose a risk to the American people, Moran insisted that this could be strategically beneficial. “As Senator Clinton (D-N.Y.) has pointed out, America has lost its ‘victimhood’ status,” Moran said. “Tragic as another attack might be for those killed or injured, it would help the United States regain the sympathy it won on 9-11. The strategic benefits would be incalculable.”

A Bush administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity, called Moran’s proposal “pure lunacy.”

Muslims Protest Arrest of Iraqi at L.A. Airport

A man wearing wires and concealing a magnet inside his rectum triggered a security scare at Los Angeles International Airport. The man, identified by law enforcement officials as an Iraqi named Fadhel al-Maliki, set off an alarm during passenger screening.

"He was secreting a suspicious item in a body cavity and that was a great concern because there were also some electric wires associated with that body cavity," said Larry Fetters, security director for the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) at the airport.

The Council on American Islamic Relations (CAIR) denounced the arrest as “one more example of anti-Muslim hysteria.” “The police are saying Maliki’s behavior was bizarre,” said Irun Amuk, a vice-chairman for the California chapter of CAIR. “This just shows their ignorance and insensitivity. These are customary accessories for the modern Muslim man.”

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) has offered its services to Maliki should he desire to sue the LA Airport and/or the TSA. “This is another case of knee-jerk racial-profiling,” ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty said. “How a person chooses to carry his personal possessions is no business of the state. Many people believe that magnets have healing powers. Perhaps Mr. Maliki has a medical reason for putting a magnet in his anal cavity.”

“And I see many people walking around with wires hanging from their ears,” Petty continued. “The fact that Mr. Maliki had wires hanging out of his pants cannot excuse his being singled out. There might be many valid reasons for a person to hot-wire his underwear.”

Petty declined to offer any examples of a valid reason for such wiring, saying “We will reveal these reasons if and when Mr. Maliki’s case goes to trial.”

Candidate May Sue America

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards said he will be taking “legal action against all those implicated in the ‘faggot’ incident.” The incident occurred when columnist and author, Ann Coulter uttered the words John Edwards and faggot in the same sentence during a speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) convention.

“It’s not only Coulter who’s at fault here,” Edwards said. “A society that condones such slurs is equally guilty.”

Edwards said he will give America 30 days to take appropriate measures against Coulter or face being named in a “class action” suit. “If appropriate remedial action has not been taken within a reasonable timeframe, I will be filing a class action suit against America,” Edwards threatened.

Pressed to elaborate on what might constitute “appropriate remedial action,” Edwards suggested that Coulter be sent to rehab and the royalties of her best-selling books be signed over to him. “Purveyors of hate must not be allowed to profit from their misdeeds,” Edwards said. “Those profits are the rightful property of the victim. In this case that would be me.”

“In addition, every registered voter in America who has not publicly renounced Coulter within this 30 day period and donated $100 in ‘Coulter Cash’ to my presidential campaign will also be named in the suit,” Edwards added. “Vermin like Coulter couldn’t survive if like-minded scum didn’t buy her books and pay her to speak. I’m giving them the opportunity to cleanse themselves through public repentance and a minimal propitiating offering. I have been grievously injured, but I am also merciful.”

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) complained that Edwards’ conditions for avoiding being sued were unfair. “Renouncing Coulter is no problem,” Clinton said. “But forcing me to contribute to his campaign isn’t fair. He’s running against me. Why should I have to fund his campaign? I’ve done as much, or more, for gay rights as he has. I mean, I’m the one who’s promised to partner with the gay community once I’m elected president.”

Clinton suggested that a renunciation of Coulter and a donation to the campaign of any Democrat running for president would be more fitting. “Everyone of us who has fought for gay rights is victimized by Coulter’s hate speech,” Clinton claimed. “We all deserve compensation.”

In related news, San Francisco homosexuals are worried that the culture and history of their world-famous neighborhood could be lost if too many heterosexuals are allowed to move in. “A few heterosexuals are welcome as long as they understand their place," said Enos Holler, a leader in the homosexual community. “We just don’t want to be overrun by people with no appreciation for what we’ve built here.”

The city, meanwhile, has promised to do whatever it takes to keep the area's gay identity intact. “We’ll ‘red-line’ the neighborhood if we have to,” said Ira Blauer, administrative assistant to the mayor. “I’ll block doorways with my own body if that’s what it takes to keep undesirables from bringing the neighborhood down.”

Report Indicates Global Warming May Be Worse than We Think

Two new reports indicate that the global warming problem may be more widespread than heretofore thought. One report from National Geographic News asserts that temperatures on both Earth and Mars have been rising. Data from NASA’s Mars Global Surveyor and Odyssey mission in 2005 disclosed that the carbon dioxide "ice caps” near Mars’ south pole are shrinking.

The other report indicates that cosmic rays from exploded stars are decreasing. This is causing fewer clouds to form and allowing more sunlight to hit the planet, raising temperatures.

Gore suggested that a “global climate czar” be appointed from among a list of persons nominated for both an Academy Award and Nobel Prize for work on climate change. “We need someone with the authority to brush aside the barriers to immediate action,” Gore said. “We can’t afford to allow a nostalgic reverence for archaic notions of property rights and individual freedom to be used to block the steps necessary to save the Earth. Everything and everyone must be strictly controlled if we want there to be a planet here for our grandchildren.”

Clinton Testing Campaign Slogans

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) has been assembling focus groups to test a variety of campaign slogans. Her campaign has worked hard to ensure that the focus groups are ethnically, racially, and sexually balanced. “We want to get a true representation of the American people because Senator Clinton intends to reflect the views of America in both her campaign and her administration,” said political consultant Bea Manley.

Of the focus group participants, fifty percent are women, twelve percent are Afro-American, twenty percent are Hispanic, 10 percent are gay, fifteen percent are on welfare, thirty percent are children, and six percent are taxpayers.

Edwards Denounces “Selfish” Americans

Former senator and candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination John Edwards castigated Americans as “selfish bastards” and insisted that Jesus would “cast them into the fiery pit of Hell.”

Edwards’ outburst is puzzling given that Americans give more than any other country in the world in both foreign aid and private charitable donations. In 2006, America gave more than $260 billion in private and corporate funds. This was an increase of 6% over the amount given in 2005. Meanwhile, Edwards resides in a 28,000 square-foot, $6 million home on a 108 acre estate in North Carolina.

Edwards contends that his lifestyle is “really quite modest considering the role God has called upon me to play as champion of the poor and downtrodden. The wealth I possess has been liberated from the greedy sinners God has placed within my power. My affluence serves as a shining example of the rewards that await the righteous in His grand plan.”