JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
 

Democratic Presidential Debate Cancelled

March 15, 2007

A planned August 14th debate amongst the contenders for the Democratic presidential nomination was abruptly cancelled when several of the scheduled participants withdrew. The stampede away from the event was led by former vice-presidential candidate and North Carolina Senator, John Edwards, who refused to appear on the grounds that “I cannot see myself sharing the stage with Kucinich. He is hideous and misshapen, while I am boyishly good-looking. It would be like matter and anti-matter colliding. It would be
a disaster.”

Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) denounced Edwards’ “cowardice” and offered to “wear a bag over my head so as not to unduly frighten ‘little Johnny.’” “These pansies want to be president, but they’re afraid to debate?” Kucinich asked. “It’s an insult to the voters, and the height of cynicism, for candidates to refuse to take the public stage and subject themselves to public scrutiny.”

The Nevada Democratic Party said the debate had to be cancelled for security reasons. “It was brought to our attention that one of the invited guests was this Obama fellow,” said state Democratic Party Chairman Tom Collins. “I’ve seen him on video tapes. He’s a pretty good speaker and makes a lot of sense. It’s not that we are anti-Muslim, far from it. But he’s not really a Democrat, per se. And some say he may be linked to the 9-11 attacks. We just
thought it would be safer to call the whole thing off.”

Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.) offered a different rationale for the cancellation. “When we found out that the Fox network was going to broadcast the debate, canceling it was a ‘slam dunk,’” Reid said. “Fox is the most watched cable news network. Our candidates would be in danger of
over-exposure.”

Reid said that Air America’s offer to sponsor the Democrats’ debates was more to his liking. “Air America’s audience is of a more intimate nature,” Reid pointed out. “Democrats can feel freer to speak their minds without
fear of someone overhearing what is said and, perhaps, misunderstanding it.”

Kerry to “Write” Book on Environment

Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) says that he will now “write” a book on the environment. Kerry’s book is tentatively titled “This Moment on Earth.” The senator has called upon his “legions of supporters” to send him their stories and ideas about how ordinary Americans from all walks of life can
have an impact on the environment around them.

“I don’t really have the time or energy to actually write a book myself,” Kerry admitted. “But by combining the hard work of the common people with the marketing power of my name and charisma, I believe we can pull together
a viable product.”

Former Vice-President Al Gore, who has gotten a lot of favorable publicity for his “An Inconvenient Truth” slide show and lecture tour, said he is glad that his efforts have inspired “one of America’s great leaders to see the
light and the need for action. I would have preferred if Senator Kerry had given more explicit credit to those of us who have labored so long to save the planet from the inevitable heat wave and/or icy doom that is about to
overtake us if we don’t take action to head off this terrible uncertainty.”

Kerry said he wasn’t aware that Gore had been working on the topic. “I didn’t know Vice-President Gore had been working on the environment,” Kerry said. “I’d wondered what had become of him after the 2000 election. Well, if he
has any stories he’d like to submit for possible inclusion in my book I’d be happy to take a look at what he has to say. I want people to know that no source is too humble, nor person too insignificant to contribute to my book.”

Senator Clinton Denounces Halliburton Move

Presidential candidate Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) denounced oil giant Halliburton’s planned relocation to Dubai. Halliburton CEO Dave Lesar announced that the company’s headquarters would move from Houston to Dubai, a city in the United Arab Emirates known for its liberal tax and residency laws.

“This attempt to escape from our jurisdiction must not be tolerated,” Clinton said. “We have taxes to levy and executives to indict. I think it’s disgraceful when American companies put their shareholders,’ customers’ and
employees’ interests ahead of those of us who’re trying to govern this nation.”

In 2006, Halliburton earned profits of $2.3 billion on revenues of $22.6 billion. “These are the billions I have pledged to spend for the benefit of humanity,” said Clinton. “If they move overseas how are we supposed to get our hands on this money?”

Clinton said she will be working with fellow Democrats on legislation that would freeze the assets of any U.S. firm that attempts to move outside the reach of the government’s tax and regulatory jurisdiction.

Abortion Greeting Cards Strike Sour Note

A line of greeting cards targeting women who have had an abortion stirred up trouble when an apparent typo reminded some recipients of one of the more gruesome aspects of certain abortion procedures. The errant line on one of
the “e-cards” designed by a California group called “Exhale” was “May you find piece after your abortion.”

“This typo has conjured up images of dismembered fetuses,” said Howard Cutter, CEO of Exhale. “This is not the message we wanted to convey. We’re trying to bring calm and peace to women who have made the difficult decision
to terminate an unwanted pregnancy.”

“I gave this e-card to my girlfriend on account of she didn’t want to have an abortion, but I kinda persuaded her to do it, you know,” explained Sonny Hertz, a dissatisfied customer who says he’s been contacted by a lawyer regarding filing a lawsuit against Exhale. “She freaked out when she read
it. Called me a sick bastard and said she never wanted to see me again. I’ve been hurt. Someone’s got to pay to ease my pain.”

“How can we be sued?” Cutter demanded to know. “We’re providing a public service. It’s free for Christ’s sake. How can we be liable?”

Dan Rather Calls Modern Journalists “Gutless”

During an hour-long keynote address at South by Southwest Interactive, former CBS anchorman, Dan Rather bewailed the “sad state” his profession, in which too many journalists have compromised their integrity in order to retain “access” to government officials.

“I don’t know why today’s reporters think they need ‘access,’” Rather complained. “It is incumbent on journalists to be willing to search out the truth behind a story. If they can’t find it, they shouldn’t be afraid to be creative. With a little imagination, facts can be deduced. And ‘unnamed,
highly-placed sources’ are a ‘bullet-proof corroboration.”

Rather spent most of his speech talking about why many people have lost faith in journalists. One reason, Rather said, is that “people think that ordinary Americans are capable of making their own judgments about complex political issues. But these issues require extraordinary understanding. Only
professional journalists have the experience and perspective to make these judgments. Our role is to be a check and balance on power, vetoing improper or unwise actions taken by the other branches of government.”

Rather left CBS in the wake of a scandal surrounding fabricated “documentation” for an election-year story accusing President George Bush of being absent without leave during his military service. Today, Rather works
as a “sweat-mopper” at home games for Mark Cuban’s Dallas Mavericks' basketball team.

Palestinian Aid: Millions Missing

Salam Fayyad, a former World Bank official who is about to become the Palestinian finance minister, has warned foreign donors that he has no idea where much of their money has been spent. An estimated $400 million has flowed into Palestinian government coffers from abroad since Hamas came to power a year ago.

Fayyad said spending is out of control, salaries are being paid to so-called employees who never show up for work, and nobody can track where the money is going. “It is to be fervently hoped that the money has merely been wasted
or corruptly misappropriated,” Fayyad said. “That would be relatively harmless. I fear that the funds may have been siphoned off to finance terror attacks against Israel.”

Fayyad suggested that Hamas’ practice of carrying funds in cash-stuffed briefcases might be a key factor behind the disappearance of much of the money. “Such a primitive procedure invites abuse,” Fayyad said. “Only criminals or morons would rely on such methods.”

In response, the United Nations Human Rights Council is expected to place Israel under permanent investigation. “If these funds have been diverted to terrorists it can only be because of Israeli provocation,” explained Hosain Malfer, UN Undersecretary for Human Rights.

California Sterilization Bill Introduced

A proposed law (AB 1634) that would combat overpopulation by making it mandatory to spay or neuter almost everyone in California is making its way through the State Assembly. The stated goal of the legislation is to curb the future need to euthanize excess population. The measure has the strong support of Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa.

The law, if passed, would make it unnecessary to euthanize a “surplus population” that is projected to top 5,000,000, said the bill’s sponsor, Assemblyman Lloyd Levine, (D-Van Nuys). “We simply have a huge problem in the state with overpopulation,” Levine said. “I can’t tell you how many
people have complained to me about finding human feces in their yards, flower beds and sandboxes where kids play. It’s a huge public safety and public health issue.”

Drafted by the office of City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo, the “California Population Control Act” has the strong support of Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. A statewide spay-neuter law would follow the lead of Los Angeles County and such states as Rhode Island that have already passed similar laws.

If the bill becomes law, it would exempt selected individuals from spaying or neutering if they are deemed “sufficiently attractive.” “People like George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio must be free to breed,” Levine said. Levine contends that with this exemption, his bill “will not
only help reduce the excess population, it will also ensure that a cadre of the ‘good-looking’ will usher in the next generation, thus, beautifying the Earth.”

Those not deemed “sufficiently attractive” could still obtain breeding permits for a fee of $30,000 per live birth. “We’re not saying that the ugly majority will be absolutely barred from reproducing,” Levine continued. “But they ought to compensate the rest of society for the ‘visual pollution’ they
are likely to inflict. If the children born under these permits are later determined to meet minimum standards for attractiveness the parents could file for a refund.”

New Orleans Is the Deadliest City

A new study by a Tulane University professor says New Orleans’ murder rate as the highest in the country. The report estimates the city’s 2006 murder rate at 96 per every 100,000 people. A key factor in New Orleans vault to
the top of the ratings was the large decline in the city’s population following Hurricane Katrina.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin called the study results “bittersweet.” “Everybody wants to be number one at something,” Nagin said. “We’re not in the running for the high prestige titles like ‘cleanest’ or ‘best educated.’
In fact, we’re on the bottom of those lists. So, I guess we’ve got to settle for what we can get.”

Nagin said the study debunks claims that New Orleans’ inhabitants are lazy and shiftless. “Murdering someone takes effort and initiative,” Nagin pointed out. “It doesn’t just happen. This display of enterprise gives me hope for the future of the ‘Chocolate City.’”