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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News

Scandal Hits Air America

August 26, 2005

Air America, the liberal radio network, suffering from abysmally low ratings, now finds itself under investigation for its connection to a Bronx-based children's charity known as the Gloria Wise Boys & Girls Club. It appears that $875,000 was illicitly transferred from the taxpayer-and-contribution-supported club to the Air America radio network. The growing tale of malfeasance has now seen money disappear from poor kids, Alzheimer's patients, ethnic radio stations and teddy bear companies.

Al Franken, the leading on-air personality at Air America, insisted that the scrutiny being given to the radio network is unfair. “It’s Limbaugh they ought to be after,” said Franken. “He’s the big, fat idiot.”

Reached for comment, Rush Limbaugh replied, “I’m good enough, smart enough, and, doggone it, the radio listening audience likes me. This is how Franken and I are different.”

U.S. Is the “Most Savage, Cruel and Murderous Empire” in World History

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called the United States the “most savage, cruel and murderous empire that has existed in the history of the world. They cruelly entice our youth with designer clothes and rock-and-roll music. They savagely flaunt their freedoms.”

“Socialism is the only path to save a world threatened by the abundance of U.S. capitalism,” said Chavez. “Cuba is the model society. Castro has led his people away from Yankee materialism to a socially just equality of poverty.

Chavez warned the U.S. not to mess with Venezuela. “We will resist imperialistic attempts to bring freedom to our land,” said Chavez. “We will drown the Americans in our blood.”

Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pa) saw Chavez’s words as an opportunity for improved U.S.-Venezuelan relations and asked Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld to temper his rhetoric against Chavez. “In this context,” said Specter, “we should respect President Chavez’s conciliatory tone by moderating what we say about Venezuela.”

Michael Moore Goes to Fat Farm

Left-wing film maker Michael Moore is doing time at the Pritikin Longevity Center & Spa in Aventura, Fla. This institution is one of those “fat farms for the rich.” Moore is learning how to cook, exercise and is attending classes on “life re-education.” The program costs $3,800 a week.

As expected, Moore blames Bush and America’s capitalistic system. “I wouldn't have gotten so fat if I hadn't been able to make so much money mocking Bush,” said Moore. “In an ideal world, the government would ration calories to protect people’s health. I'd be skinny and making films for the minister of propaganda at the direction of the dictatorship of the proletariat.”

U.N. Expert Criticizes Deportation of Terror Suspects

The U.K. plans to deport terrorism suspects to their countries of origin. The measure is one of those announced by Tony Blair in response to the July bombings of London's subway.

Manfred Nowak, U.N. special representative on torture, criticized the policy. “Most of the countries to which these terrorist suspects would be deported are run by homicidal lunatics,” said Nowak. “Sending deportees back there is tantamount to a death sentence.”

“Besides, the U.N. convention on human rights clearly supports an individual’s right to terrorize the nation of his choice,” added Nowak. “The U.N. may have to impose sanctions on the U.K.”

D.C. Talk Station Fires Host

Washington, D.C., talk radio station WMAL, 630 AM, has fired mid-morning host Michael Graham. The move came after three weeks of pressure from the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR).

Despite initial indications that CAIR might be satisfied with a mere suspension of several weeks, the organization has now denounced the firing as a “slap on the wrist.”

“The Quran clearly calls for beheading in this situation,” said Abdul Hafeez, spokesman for the group. “To do less is a slap in the face to all Muslims.”

Former Clinton Administration Official Argues for Safer Workplace

Robert Reich, Secretary of Labor under President Bill Clinton, wants the Occupational Safety and Health Administration to ban all guns from workplaces.

“Guns kill 17 employees every week in American workplaces,” said Reich. “Gun killings are now the third-biggest safety hazard facing American workers -- right after vehicles and machines. Researchers at the University of North Carolina have shown that shootings are five times more likely to occur at workplaces where guns are allowed than where they’re prohibited.”

“We need to get shootings out of the workplace and back on the streets where they belong,” says Reich. Reich asserted that many corporations support his position, including Weyerhauser, Halliburton, Nordam and ConocoPhillips.

“After we get the guns out of the workplaces we can go after the even bigger killers—vehicles and machines,” said Reich. “Only by banning all dangerous devices can we ensure a perfectly safe work environment.”

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