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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Democrats Say 'Pork' in War Funding Bill Reflects Voters’ Preferences
March 31, 2007 The $124 billion war funding bill contains over $20 billion in non-military spending including items like $74 million for peanut storage and $25 million for spinach growers. The bill also would require U.S. combat operations end by September 2008 — or earlier if it is requested in writing by either al-Qaeda or Iran. President Bush has vowed to veto the legislation. However, Senate Majority Leader Harry M. Reid (D-Nev.) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) warned him that he will pay a political price for doing so. “When is it going to get through his thick skull that we are calling the shots now?” Reid asked. “He is the one that’ll be blamed either way. We’ve passed a bill to fund the troops. If he vetoes it, he will be held responsible for the lack of means to carry on the war. If he tries to fund the troops by some other means he will be responsible for carrying on the war against the wishes of congress and the people. It’s a no-win situation for him.” Pelosi urged the president “not to even think of trying to go over our heads and court public opinion directly. The media are behind us on this. They will crucify him if he tries that.” In related news, radical Shiite Iraqi cleric, Moqtada al-Sadr, expressed support and gratitude “for the heroic actions taken by the American Democrats against the warmonger Bush. Our hearts and prayers are with the brave Speaker Pelosi in this fight.” Sadr said he hopes Pelosi will include a visit to him on her current Mid-East junket, “so we can better coordinate our strikes against the Bush regime.” UN Issues Memo on Hostage Crisis in Iran In response to Iran’s seizure of 15 British naval personnel in Iraqi waters, the U.N. Security Council issued a statement of “grave concern.” The UN rejected the United Kingdom’s request that the statement “deplore” Iran’s actions. Secretary-General, Ban Ki-moon, explained the UN’s criteria for official statements. “‘Deplore’ would be too strong at this point,” Ban said. “If someone had been injured, then we could justifiably ‘deplore’ the action. This would, of course, be escalated to ‘gravely deplore’ if someone had been killed.” “Now,” Ban continued, “if Iran carries out its threat to put these people on trial we would have to consider a statement of ‘admonishment.’ If, as some in Iran have demanded, any of these captives were executed, we would then be authorized to escalate to ‘grave admonishment.’ As you can see, the language of diplomacy must be properly nuanced to fit the situation. It is not an easy skill to learn. Many of us have devoted a lifetime to perfecting it.” In related news, Tehran’s Interim Friday Prayers Leader, Ahmad Khatami, mocked Britain as “a ‘has been’ nation that must accept its humiliation by the great and powerful Iran if it hopes to avoid total destruction. They will bow before Islam or they will die. That is their only choice.” Chavez Orders Bank to Transfer Assets Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez ordered the nation’s Fogade insurance fund to transfer its assets to his personal account so he can safeguard them for the benefit of “the poor.” Venezuela’s Fogade insurance fund holds properties and other assets, which guarantee deposits in the banking system, much like the U.S. government’s Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation. “I want all the assets held by Fogade to be passed to my control,” Chavez said on his “Hello, President” TV talk show. “Fogade has many warehouses, it has many properties. Once these assets are under my name I can insure that they are safe from the thieving capitalists and preserved for the benefit of the Venezuelan people.” Franken Says Kyoto Protocols Would Help Economy Former radio talk show host and Democratic Senatorial candidate from Minnesota, Al Franken, says that rejecting the Kyoto Protocols was “one of the dumbest things that this president has done.” (Actually, the Protocols were rejected by the U.S. Senate in 1997 by a lopsided 95–0 vote.) Franken discounted arguments that the economic impact of abiding by the Kyoto agreement would be ruinous to our economy. “Bush would have us believe that increasing government controls on economic activity is bad for the economy,” Franken said. “But I ask you, who is better suited to know what’s best for the economy: private businesses or the government?” Adherence to the Kyoto Protocols will be easy and economically stimulating, Franken contended. “The solution is simple, we’ll all buy carbon offsets from Al Gore’s company,” Franken suggested. “Not only will we reduce global warming, we will also be contributing to a dynamic new, high-tech industry, creating jobs, and validating the leadership genius of the man who really was elected president in 2000.” In related news, former Vice President Al Gore is reportedly entertaining offers to run for president as the candidate of the Green Party. “As the world’s leading spokesman for the environment, it’s only natural that the Green Party would want me as their nominee,” Gore said. “I’m good enough, smart enough, and people like me. The question is whether the world can afford to wait until 2009 for me to take charge. By then it may be too late to save the planet.” Kucinich Seeks Spies Saying he was inspired by the “really cool” recent James Bond movie, presidential candidate, Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), has put out a call for volunteers to spy on his rivals for the Democratic nomination. Kucinich’s request went via e-mail to the six people who have signed-on to help in his campaign, thus far. Kucinich’s national outreach coordinator, Evan Moody said the overtly public nature of the appeal was intentional. “I know that spying is normally a covert activity, but we have too few supporters to get much actual coverage,” Moody explained. “We figured we’d have a bigger impact if we could create fear in the other campaigns by letting them know we may be watching them. We want them to think that we have eyes and ears everywhere.” Moody said each volunteer is being issued a “secret spy kit” with which to carry out his monitoring duties. What the Kucinich campaign had not counted on, though, was the possibility that his own campaign might already have been penetrated by spies working for his rivals. One of them gleefully disclosed that the “secret spy kit” consisted of a magnifying glass, a pen with invisible ink and a false-nose & mustache disguise. Moody admitted that “Kucinich may be trailing right now, but the Congressman is in this for the long haul. Our realistic target is still the 2208 election.” Those wanting to get in on the political espionage are advised to e-mail Evan@kucinich.us. Palestinians Warn Israel Speaking at the closing ceremony of the Arab League Summit in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, Palestinian Authority Chairman Mahmoud Abbas said Israeli refusal to accept the Arab peace plan would result in “dire consequences.” The so-called Arab peace plan is a “land-for-peace” deal that was brokered by Saudi Arabian King Abdullah in 2002 and calls for Israel to withdraw from the rest of the lands it conquered during the 1967 Six Day War. These include Judea, Samaria, the Golan Heights and Jerusalem. Israel has already returned the Sinai Peninsula to Egypt and withdrawn from the Gaza Strip. Abdullah labeled this an essential “first step” on the road to peace. “Ultimately, the Jews must restore the land to the way it was before 1948,” Abdullah said. “Only then can there be true peace in the region.” A key element of this “first step,” Abdullah said, is for Israel to allow the millions of Arab who fled the country “to return home so they can continue the fight to restore Palestine to Muslim control.” Abbas seconded Abdullah’s message and warned Israel to accept the Arab peace plan “or we will be forced to wipe your asses.” NOW Denounces Program Geared to Fathers The National Organization for Women (NOW) has denounced the Bush Administration’s support for the “Promoting Responsible Fatherhood Initiative.” Each year, the Bush administration has awarded up to $50 million to build job skills and help fathers connect better with their children. NOW says the program is illegal because “it’s only about men.” “Men are the source of almost every problem in the world,” the NOW complaint read. “They are the harassers and abusers of women. They are the rapists. They need to be confined and disciplined, not rewarded with government funding.” NOW asserted that the “funds would be better spent on programs like breast cancer research, abortions, and vagina awareness” because these programs “affect a broader spectrum of society.” In related news, NOW announced that it will endorse Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.) for president. “Senator Clinton is a beacon of hope to the oppressed half of humanity,” said Arlene Left, co-chair of NOW’s political action committee. “She is the only candidate who has breadth of vision and the ‘nads’ it will take to lead this country and the world out of the dark ages of male hegemony.”
John Semmens' Semi-News Archives:
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Rebuffing
President Bush’s assertion that larding the war funding bill with “pork”
will anger the American people, Rep. Paul Hodes (D-N.H.) said, “The
President has lost touch with reality. Voters know that when they pull
the lever for a Democrat they are voting for higher spending. Every
Republican has told them that. This bill merely fulfills that
expectation.”