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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Democrats to Ban 'Global War on Terror'
April 7, 2007 By banning the phrase Skelton said he hopes to “restore the sense of calm and peace that prevailed during the first Clinton Administration.” “When Bill Clinton was president there was no war on terror. People felt safe. We want them to feel safe again. The first step in restoring this sense of tranquility is to change the way we talk about the world. If we don’t call it a war it won’t seem as scary or important. Eventually, we can forget about it and return to a normal life.” House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) blasted the plan to ban the use of “global War on Terror” phrasing. “The notion that making the American people feel secure by softening our semantics fulfills our responsibility to provide for their security is idiotic,” Boehner complained. “The terrorists know they are at war with us. Pretending we aren’t at war, as the Democrats would have us do, isn’t going to persuade al-Qaeda to stop scheming to kill us.” Skelton brushed Boehner’s criticisms aside as “the whines of a ‘sore loser.’ “Voters are tired of the war,” Skelton said. “It’s time to ‘change the channel’ so to speak. That’s what we were elected to do. It’s what we intend to do.” Polls seem to support the Democrats on this issue. A USA Today/Gallup poll found that a majority of voters want the war to end. “It’s had its run,” said Willy Laufen, a poll respondent from Los Angeles. “It’s time for something new.” “The war is so boring,” said Mona Lott, a respondent from Boston. “I missed an important segment of ‘Lost’ because Bush had to make another stupid speech about freedom and democracy. What about my freedom to watch what I want on TV?” Pelosi Proclaims Self “America’s Prime Minister” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), self-proclaimed “most powerful woman in the world,” presented herself to Syrian President Bashar Assad as “America’s virtual Prime Minister” in a bid to “build the bridges called for in the Iraq Study Group report.” “I explained to President Assad that while President Bush is still nominally the American head-of-state he has been reduced to a largely ceremonial role now that my party controls both houses of congress,” Pelosi said. “President Assad agreed we need a new direction in American foreign policy. I felt there was some real bonding going on.” Assad welcomed Pelosi’s visit and expressed hope that they could work together on “matters of mutual interest.” “I am confident that Speaker Pelosi and I share similar views on a wide range of issues,” Assad declared. “I think we both agree that Mr. Bush is a destabilizing influence in the Middle East and see the need to neutralize that influence.” Pelosi’s donning of the hijab (a head scarf prescribed by the Quran for the protection of feminine modesty) garnered widespread praise in the region. “This prominent American female has shown a willingness to take a first step toward Islam,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “I said the Americans must change their behavior and mend their ways. I have told them what they have to do, and I am glad to see that the American Prime Minister is beginning to comply. We can only hope this is a harbinger of the greater transformation yet to come.” In related news, Pelosi’s inquiry regarding Saudi Arabia’s lack of female politicians was laughed off by Saudi officials. “The women in our country are not whores,” Prince Farsic al-Saud, Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs snorted. “They are at home tending to their families.” Supreme Court Declares Carbon Dioxide a Pollutant By a 5-4 vote, the U.S. Supreme Court declared that “the harms associated with climate change are serious and well recognized,” and proclaimed carbon dioxide (CO2) the “culpable emission.” In its ruling, the court ordered the Environmental Protection Agency to implement a sweeping CO2 control plan. Under the court-mandated plan, all emitters of CO2 gases would be required to “recapture and sequester these emissions or purchase carbon offsets for an equivalent quantity of uncontrolled emissions of the gas.” Justice John Paul Stevens, in an opinion joined by Justices David Souter, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Anthony Kennedy and Stephen Breyer, acknowledged that the ruling might create hardships. “We are aware that many people may have difficulty finding and affording devices to recapture and sequester their exhaled breath and/or affording the cost of offsets,” Stevens wrote. “Nevertheless, as Vice-President Gore has abundantly shown, the fate of the Earth hangs in the balance.” Stevens suggested that taxes could be raised in order to fund devices for those identified as too poor to finance them out of their own resources. The ruling was hailed by environmental groups. Joshua Greenpants, spokesman for the environmental activist group Earth First! said he hopes that the ruling will put an end to “doubters who would have us defy the message of ‘An Inconvenient Truth.’” “Former Vice-President Gore has made the moral case for action,” said Greenpants. “The Court has issued the law requiring action. Refusal to comply will now be a criminal matter. I can’t wait to see these defilers behind bars.” In related news, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich (R-Ga.) and Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) are scheduled to debate climate change Tuesday in the Russell Senate Office Building in Washington, D.C. Kerry was the debate sponsor’s second choice after former Vice-President Al Gore turned down the invitation. “There’s nothing to debate,” said Gore. “Debate lends credence to Earth’s enemies. There is only one chance for our planet—and that is for everyone to do exactly as I say.” Poll of Israeli Arabs Disquieting According to a recent poll, over a quarter of the Arabs living in Israel do not believe the Holocaust ever happened. Among educated Arabs 33 percent deny the Holocaust took place. The poll was conducted by a sociologist at the University of Haifa, Professor Sami Smooha. According to Smooha, Arabs believe the Holocaust is Zionist propaganda meant to blunt resistance to Israeli tyranny. Fatin Bakr, a poll respondent from Jerusalem, asks “I thought Hitler was supposed to have killed millions of Jews, how come there are more here than before the war?” Regarding last summer’s Israeli-Hizbullah war, 48 percent of the Arab respondents say Hizbullah’s rocket attacks on civilians in Israel were justified. “The targets were only Jews,” Ghassan Jabir, a respondent from Haifa, observed. “Jews are pigs. The Quran instructs us to kill them. Hizbullah was following Allah’s command. What is there to criticize?” Smooha said he was surprised by the poll results. “Arabs in Israel are, on average, much better off than they are in the surrounding Arab states,” said Smooha. “The Hizbullah rockets killed many Arabs. The suicide bombings indiscriminately injure Jew and Arab alike. One would expect reasonable people to oppose these attacks.” A comment from Jawdat Musa, a respondent from Bat Yam, shed some chilling light on the Arab mindset. “It is better that a Jew should die than that I should live. There are more Muslims than Jews. An eye-for-an-eye will ensure that Islam will win in the end. Besides, the Jew will go to Hell and I will go to Paradise.” In related news, two Arabs who sold a Hebron building to a Jew have been placed under arrest, one by the Palestinian Authority, the other by Jordon. The two now face execution. Palestinian law, in adherence to the Quran, prescribes the death penalty for anyone found guilty of selling property to a Jew. Sami Abu Ghula, Palestinian Minister of Justice, pointed out that “Our goal of driving the Jews out of Palestine cannot be achieved if we permit it to be undermined by voluntary transactions between Arabs and Jews. The fact that this was a peaceful exchange is, in my opinion, an aggravating rather than a mitigating circumstance.” City Mayors Vie for “Gross-Out” Honors In New York, Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s administration, announced that they have given away a record 5 million condoms with the mayor’s picture on them. The free condom initiative is part of the city’s effort to top its cross-continent rival San Francisco for the coveted “Grossest City in America” title. “They’re great,” exclaimed Randy Mann, spokesman for Bloomberg’s Office. “When you put one on the mayor’s nose stretches out and becomes huge. It’s hilarious.” Not to be outdone, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom amused assorted media representatives with a lusty simulation of oral sex on one of their microphones. “I am, after all, the mayor of San Francisco,” Newsome said. “This is what many of my constituents do. I’m just letting them know that I’m behind them all the way.” Newsome joked that he would “blow the competition away come next election.” Iran Says Local Jews in Favor of Being Wiped off Map The Iranian government news agency (IRNA) reported that the Association of Iranian Jews has issued a statement expressing “its commitment to support President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s efforts to combat Zionism and wipe Jews off the face of the Earth.” According to IRNA, the Association of Iranian Jews declared: “In obedience to the instructions of Jesus, in the new Iranian year, which has been declared the year of national unity and Islamic solidarity, Iranian Jews call upon the mighty government of Iran to rid the world of the Jewish pestilence once and for all.” Ahmadinejad hailed the news as “proof of the malevolence of the Jewish conspiracy to dominate the world. Even their fellow Jews want us to fight the Zionist menace.”
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The
House of Representatives Armed Services Committee Chairman, Ike Skelton
(D-Mo.), announced that the phrase “global war on terror” will no longer
be tolerated in his committee. “Ever since President Bush introduced the
phrase ‘global war on terror’ there’s been nothing but trouble in the
world,” Skelton said. “The phrase magnifies the problem and terrorizes
the population.”