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JOHN SEMMENS: Semi-News
Jesse Jackson to Pay False Accuser’s College Tuition
April 14, 2007 North Carolina Attorney General Roy Cooper has declared all charges against the Duke players will be dropped. DNA tests on all 46 of the lacrosse team’s white members failed to match any evidence taken from their accuser. Cooper characterized Durham County District Attorney Mike Nifong, the originator of the case, as a “rogue prosecutor.” Nifong defended his actions, saying he based his case on both history and instinct. “Look, white men have been raping black women for centuries,” Nifong explained. “If President Jefferson did it, why should I doubt that these college punks would do it? Why, I was tempted to do it myself when she reenacted the dance she did at the team’s party. My gut told me they were guilty. I just didn’t have enough time to produce the evidence I needed to complete the case.” Jackson said that the “rush to exonerate the innocent has caused nearly everyone to overlook this woman’s tremendous talent.” “Despite considerable exonerating forensic evidence, this woman was able to convince a white prosecutor to accept her allegations and prosecute these white boys,” Jackson pointed out. “She also got 88 members of the Duke faculty to make a public statement condemning the lacrosse team. I’m telling you, she’s one persuasive mutha. There’s a future for her in my orgasm if she wants it.” The woman, Crystal Gail Mangum (alias: Janette Rivers), is currently a student at North Carolina Central University. Mangum says she appreciates Rev. Jackson’s tuition offer and hopes to use it to pursue a major in “the performing arts or maybe creative writing.” Minnesota College to Install Muslim Foot Bath Minneapolis Community and Technical College has a policy that “strictly prohibits religious displays.” For example, this past Christmas season a memo from Dianna Cusick, director of legal affairs and President Phil Davis, warned against any public display of holiday cheer: “As we head into the holiday season, all public offices and areas should refrain from displays that may represent to our students, employees or the public that the college is promoting any particular religion.” Nevertheless, the college is planning to use taxpayer funds to install facilities for Muslim ritual foot-washing. School officials are going on a junket to visit a community college in Illinois to view similar facilities there. Davis justified the disparate treatment by pointing out the differences between Muslims and those of other faiths. “The foot-washing facilities are not about religion, they are about public safety,” Davis said. “Christians and Jews aren’t going to kill anyone over this issue. Muslims are different. We’ve already received threats saying the college will be bombed if we refuse to build this facility. So, as anyone can see, we’re not promoting the Muslim religion. We’re saving the lives of our students and faculty.” Couric Defends Self in CBS News Plagiarism Scandal The revelation that CBS News anchor Katie Couric’s video essay on libraries was found to be plagiarized from The Wall Street Journal has put the low-rated newswoman on the defensive. The video essays are carried regularly on “Couric & Co.,” the anchor’s blog on the CBS News web site. The offending, unnamed staffer has reputedly been fired. Couric called the firing “inadequate.” “I am the real victim here,” Couric insisted. “My reputation has been grievously damaged. Viewers need to be able to trust me to speak the truth. That trust has been undermined by an ungrateful bitch of a staffer who has carelessly abused the privilege of writing my commentaries.” CBS brass was forced to admit that Couric’s essay did not live up to the network’s standards. “The reminiscing Ms. Couric mouthed in her video essay was fake, but not accurate,” Sean McManus, president of CBS News, conceded. “Ms. Couric doesn’t really give a hoot about libraries. We shouldn’t be too hard on her, though. She is no Dan Rather. She is relatively new to CBS and obviously needs more time to fully absorb our culture.” A quick poll of the six people who actually heard Couric’s essay while it was posted on the CBS web site found that the most common complaints were not based on the fraudulent nature of the piece. “The bit was dull and sappy,” said viewer Brooks Perlin. “It’s not the kind of peppy commentary I expect from Katie.” Iran to Issue CD In a bid to refute charges of abuse and coercion surrounding its treatment of the 15 British sailors it kidnapped, the Iranian government says it will issue a compact disc of songs recorded by the captives. “The fact that they can be heard singing on this recording should refute any claim that these agents of imperialism were mistreated,” said Ahmed Khatashohl, Deputy Foreign Minister. “As you will see, they have confessed, conceded defeat and expressed appreciation for our kindness.” The CD contains a total of eight songs, two songs labeled confessions—“I Shot the Sharif” and “We’re So Sorry Uncle Ahmadinejad,” one reputedly conceding defeat—“I fought Iran and Iran Won,” two allegedly naming the true guilty parties—“Hey Jew, Don’t Make It Bad” and “The Star Strangled Banner,” one characterized as a warning—“Papa’s Got a Brand New Bomb,” and two that supposedly commemorate the captives’ gratitude for the kindness they were shown by the Iranian government—“I Want to Hold Your Imam” and “Whole Lotta Sheikin’ Goin On.” The CD is tentatively titled—“Songs of Confession, Concession, Aspersion, Admonition, and Reconciliation”—is expected to be released early next month. Advance orders can be placed at http://www.president.ir/eng/. Proceeds will be used to fund much needed bomb-making materials for Iran’s “Martyrs for Peace” initiative in Iraq. Parliamentarian Amir Hassankhani, a former member of the country’s Revolutionary Guard and supporter of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, said he was buoyed by the turn of events. “Not only did we humbled the once mighty British Empire, it now looks like we will also profit from the venture,” Hassankhani gloated. “I am hoping that an opportunity to seize more of these infidel invaders will present itself.” In related news, House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and chairman of the House Committee on Foreign Affairs Tom Lantos (D-Calif.) announced that they have been invited to visit Iran. “A member of the Iranian Parliament, a Mr. Amir Hassankhani, has graciously invited us to confer with the Iranian government,” said Lantos. “This is an opportunity to open up new lines of communication that bypass the increasingly irrelevant Bush Administration.” Lantos dismissed Bush Administration objections and warnings as “obstructionist.” “The American voters want a new direction in foreign policy,” Lantos said. “They elected a new team. That team is going to keep its rendezvous with destiny.” Food and Drug Administration to Clamp Down on Vitamins The Food and Drug Administration has announced its intention to initiate stronger controls over so-called “alternative medical practices.” In a “Draft Guidance” document posted on the web (http://www.fda.gov/cber/gdlns/altmed.htm#i), the FDA asserts that it has the authority to restrict access to and use of vitamins, minerals, herbs and other substances and devices people may use for health purposes. “Over the last decade there has been a dramatic rise in the number of people who are taking charge of their own health,” observed FDA spokesman, Walter Wiesel. “They are ignoring recognized authorities and taking vitamins and other supplements they don’t need. This has to be stopped.” “The common people aren’t qualified to judge matters related to health,” Wiesel continued. “That is why the FDA exists. It is our job to rescue people from the risks and consequences of their own mistakes.” Under the FDA’s proposed plan, supplements would be limited to a narrow list of items deemed safe and effective by the agency and available only through a doctor’s prescription. Wiesel touted the FDA approach as one that “relies upon the greater wisdom of experts.” “People taking these supplements may think they feel better, but we at the FDA know better,” Wiesel claimed. “The average person lacks the expertise and the resources to make correct judgments. The FDA has the experts, the funding and the testing protocols to ensure that the right decisions are made.” “There’s also the issue of equity to consider,” Wiesel went on. “With each individual deciding for himself or herself, there is inequality in the distribution of health-related products. People are paying for these supplements out of their own pockets. Some can’t afford to pay. This isn’t the way we want health care to be allocated in our society. Everyone must be treated equally. No one should be permitted to get more merely because he or she chooses it and can afford to pay for it.” North Korea Fires Prime Minister North Korea abruptly fired Prime Minister Pak Pong Ju. While the reason for the dismissal has not been disclosed, observers note that Pak’s dozing during a musical performance praising Kim’s leadership with the songs “Love of Comrades” and “Always looking up to the Leader” was the “final straw.” Kim is especially fond of these tributes. Pak reputedly has been in the “dog house” since Kim discovered that Pak’s suggested name for the nation’s intercontinental missile—the “No Dong”—caused a “loss of face.” “Falling asleep during a ritual homage to Kim would’ve been bad enough,” said Alexander R. Vershbow, U.S. Ambassador to Korea. “But coming on top of Kim’s discovery that in the West ‘No Dong’ was virtually synonymous with ‘eunuch’ it was just too much for the Korean dictator to bear.”
John Semmens' Semi-News Archives:
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Reverend
Jesse Jackson said that his Rainbow/Push Coalition will pay the college
tuition for a black stripper who made false rape allegations against
white members of Duke University’s men’s lacrosse team. Jackson said
that his organization is committed to making sure the 27-year-old
divorced mother of two will be able to “convert her considerable
creative skills into a more lucrative and less demeaning career.”