“Senator Reid has acknowledged that his country has lost the war,” Ahmadinejad said. “He and I both agree that continuation of killing of innocent people by U.S. troops indicates both the weakness of the occupiers and their moral culpability for the deaths of so many thousands.”

Ahmadinejad praised Senator Reid’s courage. “It takes an extraordinary courage to admit the truth, especially when one must do so under the murderous glare of the demonic George Bush and his media minions,” Ahmadinejad declared. Ahmadinejad said he has offered Senator Reid sanctuary in Iran “should he choose to flee Satan’s grasp.”

Reid said he has sent a note of thanks to Ahmadinejad “for his kind offer of rescue, but I intend to carry on the fight against the Bush regime right here. I cannot stand by and allow American troops to continue the occupation for any longer than another year, or so.”

Congress’ bill mandating a March 23, 2008 deadline for U.S. troops to withdraw from Iraq was labeled “a reasonable compromise” by Reid. “We’re not saying the troops have to come home right away,” Reid said. “They can stay in Iraq for eleven more months to apologize and clean up the mess they made.”

Reid said the compromise was crafted based on polling data. “Polls show that voters are conflicted, confused, and bored with the Iraq War,” Reid said. “As the voters’ elected representatives, we need to reflect these views in the policy we make. I think our bill does a pretty good job of it.”

The agreement was lauded by Abu Jihad of the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades terror organization. “This is a moment of glory for the revolutionary movements in the Arab world in general and for the Iraqi resistance movement specifically,” said Jihad. “Can anyone now doubt the ultimate success of our drive to restore the Caliphate? Allah be praised that these infidels have been brought to see the futility of their struggle against us.”

Acting Palestinian Legislative Council Speaker Sheikh Ahmad Bahr, heralded the agreement as “a sign from Allah that the United States and Israel will be annihilated and every last Jew and American will be killed.”

Dean Says Media Coverage Restricts Candidates’ Creativity

Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee says that the best way to get presidential candidates to talk freely about issues is to lock out the media. In an appearance before the Mortgage Bankers Association conference, Dean suggested that the presence of the media was “hemming-in candidates and stifling their creativity.”

“If meetings like this one were closed to the media candidates would be more likely to say the things you want to hear,” Dean said. “They could tailor their messages to suit each audience. But when reporters may be present, candidates feel they are forced to modify what they say lest it be portrayed as inconsistent with something they’ve said previously or in another context.”

Dean said that the problem is further aggravated by the right-wing bias of the media. “The media are just lying in wait to ambush Democrats because of our progressive stance on the issues,” Dean complained. “Meanwhile, corporate media hacks allow Bush and his right-wing, Republican cronies to get away with everything.”

In related news, on CNN’s SITUATION ROOM with host Wolf Blitzer, Dean said that “Rudy Giuliani’s personal life is a serious problem. He has a lot of character issues that he has to answer for. These aren’t going to go over well with evangelical Christians, and that’s a real problem for him. His personal life is a serious problem for him.”

Dean declined to cite any specifics. “We don’t want to go into specifics,” Dean said. “Both polls and our prior experience have shown that creating a generalized perception of wrongdoing is a more effective way to deconstruct an opponent’s reputation.”

Impeachment Bid Making Little Headway

Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) has introduced a resolution calling for Vice-President Dick Chenney to be impeached. Kucinich’s resolution says that Cheney “has purposely manipulated the intelligence process to deceive the citizens and Congress of the United States.” “Vice-President Chenney led a cabal that misled congress and the American people into believing that there was such a place as Iraq,” said Kucinich. “Try as I might, I have been unable to locate this place on a map. I am convinced that Chenney fabricated reports of the existence of this mythical country so he could lead us into to war.”

Kucinich brushed aside the numerous eye-witness reports on the Iraq War as “skillfully crafted propaganda.” “If they can fake a moon landing and get the world to believe, faking a war is child’s play,” Kucinich reasoned.

The Ohio congressman said his suspicions were aroused by a DVD sent to him by a constituent. “One of my constituents sent me a DVD documentary on the so-called war,” Kucinich explained. “It was titled ‘Jarhead.’ While this video appeared to show U.S troops in battle in Iraq, I recognized one of the G.I.s as the same guy in that homosexual cowboy movie. It was then that I realized, these people in the so-called documentary were actors and the war was a fake.”

Thus far, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) has spurned Kucinich’s request to schedule impeachment hearings. “While I can’t argue with Dennis’ logic,” Pelosi admitted, “his focus on Chenney falls short of the mark. Removing Chenney won’t solve the problem. Bush would still hold the reins of government.”

Pelosi said she would be willing to reconsider Kucinich’s request if it were to be expanded to include impeaching both Chenney and Bush. “For impeachment to be effective, both the President and Vice-President must be simultaneously removed from office,” Pelosi said. “This is the only way to ensure that power passes into responsible hands.”

Obama Touts Gun-Control

Cho Seung-Hui, the presumed mentally ill gunman who shot 32 people at Virginia Tech inspired Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) to urge that laws should be strengthened to prevent the mentally ill from buying guns. Federal laws already prohibit those confirmed to be mentally ill from purchasing guns. Obama says these laws don’t go far enough.

“Existing laws miss the point,” Obama said. “A desire to own a gun should, by itself, be considered prima facie evidence of mental illness. I mean, who would want a gun? In this modern age, gun ownership is an anachronism. The average home-owner isn’t hunting to put food on his family’s table. He doesn’t need to fight off savages who would rape his wife and murder or abduct his children. Why does he need a gun? It’s nuts.”

Under Obama’s proposal, a new federal Gun Registry Administration Bureau (GRAB) would be established. GRAB would be authorized to review all state laws pertaining to gun ownership and void those deemed unsuitably “loose.” “Under our Constitution, regulation of firearms is a federal responsibility,” Obama claimed. “States must not be permitted to usurp this authority through lax enforcement.”

Obama insisted that “those truly in need of owning a weapon will still have access. All they have to do is demonstrate to the satisfaction of federal agents that they have a legitimate need for it.” Obama did admit, though, that demonstrating such a need would be difficult since the mere expression of a need for a firearm would normally be considered disqualifying.

In related news, California Assemblyman Kevin de León (D-Los Angeles) introduced a bill (AB 362) that would put restrictions on ammunition. De Leon applauded himself for “finding a loophole in the Second Amendment.” “The Bill of Rights says people have the right to bear arms,” de Leon pointed out. “It doesn’t say anything about bullets.”

De Leon congratulated himself on coming up with “a bullet-proof solution to mass murders like the ones we saw at Virginia Tech. Without bullets, Cho would’ve been stopped before he started.”

Ahmadinejad Says Dress Code Crucial to Country’s Survival

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insisted that keeping women covered is crucial to his country’s survival. “A disproportionate percentage of Iranian women are fat and ugly,” Ahmadinejad maintained. “Ensuring that they do not go out in public displaying this ugliness is the government’s duty.”

Ahmadinejad rejected compromise. “Some have said that only the ugly need cover themselves,” Ahmadinejad said. “But we cannot leave this determination up to each individual woman. A woman’s judgment cannot be trusted in such matters. They are vain creatures. Even the most grotesque among them imagine they are beautiful when only one or two percent are worth looking at. It is simpler and better to cover them all.”

The Iranian president expressed concern that a more widespread awareness of the true appearance of the overwhelming majority of the country’s women could send the nation’s birthrate plummeting. “We want our people to be fruitful and multiply,” Ahmadinejad said. “Ignorance and darkness must be maintained if we are to make this happen.”

Presidential Candidate Names Hero