Sheik Ahmad Bahr, acting Speaker of the Palestinian Legislative Council, declared that the American plan for surrender in Iraq is inadequate. “By right, every Jew and American should be killed,” Bahr demanded. “That one drop of Muslim blood has been shed by these infidels is unforgivable. They must pay the ultimate price for their aggressions against Islam.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) called the demand “unduly harsh” and said he was hopeful that a compromise could be reached. “Annihilation of a whole people is too steep a price to pay for the transgressions of its leaders,” Reid insisted. “Surely, we can arrive at a more moderate settlement.”

Reid offered a plan based upon what he called a “Nuremburg model.” “Key leaders like Bush, Chenney and Rumsfeld could be put on trial for their war crimes,” Reid suggested. “Like Goering, Hess and other Nazis were after World War II.”

Bahr called Reid’s suggestion “a starting point.” “Yes, let us begin with the instigators of these atrocities,” Bahr exclaimed. “Bring on Bush, his generals and the congressmen who authorized them. We will hang them first. The rest can await their proper turn. A full cleansing must be accomplished if we are to rid the planet of these vermin.”

Lawsuit to Form Backbone of Edwards’ Economic Strategy

The $10 dry cleaning bill for a pair of trousers that ballooned into a $67 million civil lawsuit was cited by presidential candidate and former Senator John Edwards (D-NC) as “an example for how we can restore economic justice and prosperity to America.” “Here we have an individual who is standing up against exploitation by an unscrupulous business and fighting for his rights,” Edwards exclaimed. “His fight is both an inspiration and a model for the way America will operate if I am its next president.”

The lawsuit was launched by Roy Pearson, a judge and lawyer in Washington, D.C., when a dry cleaner lost his favorite trousers. “I cannot convey to you how devastated I am by this cruel abuse of my fundamental human rights,” Pearson says in his court filing. “I had planned to wear these pants on my first day on the bench after my appointment as a judge. This once-in-a-lifetime opportunity was stolen from me. My life has been irreparably diminished as a result.”

Named in the suit are Korean immigrants Jin and Soo Chung and their son, who own “Custom Cleaners” and two other dry cleaning shops in Washington, D.C.

Pearson claims to be so traumatized by the experience that “I may never be able to trust another human being again.” “I am hoping that I can begin to piece my life back together,” said Pearson. “It is essential that I be awarded sufficient means to do so. It is also important that we send a stern message to corporate wrongdoers so that others will not have to go through what I’ve had to suffer.”

“Cracking down on this type of abuse by this dry-cleaner will enable my administration to implement social justice without having to raise taxes,” Edwards said. “It’s a simple process of transferring money from wealthy undeserving miscreants to injured and underprivileged victims. If we can do this on a broad enough scale, poverty will be a thing of the past.”

Calling his plan a “no-brainer,” Edwards admitted to being a little embarrassed that it took him so long to see that lawsuits like this could be the key to revitalizing the economy. “I’m kicking myself for not glomming onto this idea sooner,” Edwards said. “After all, I’ve been deeply involved in similar legal actions that have turned out to be very rewarding. I guess I was too narrowly focused on my own success.”

Edwards observed that a “byproduct of my plan for social justice is the fact that trial lawyers, the hard-working backbone of our society, will likely be assured of full-employment. It’s a real win-win scenario for America.”

Colorado Dems Push Property Tax Hike

Colorado State Senate Democrats approved a fast-tracked property tax hike that will raise levies on most homes and businesses in the state. The Democrats refused to put the issue to a statewide vote despite a state constitutional requirement that all tax hikes be put to a popular vote.

The bill’s sponsor, Sen. Sue Windels (D-Arvada) asserted that last November’s election had overturned the popular vote requirement. “Voters had their ‘popular vote’ last November,” Windels reminded colleagues during the floor debate on the measure. “They know that Democrats are for higher taxes. By giving our Party a majority, voters have effectively repealed the clause mandating a popular vote before taxes can be increased. We are merely implementing their wishes by this action.”

The tax-hike was pushed by Democratic Governor Bill Ritter and passed as part of the annual School Finance Act on a 19-15 vote. All Republicans voted against the bill. It is expected to cost taxpayers $1.7 billion over the next 10 years.

NY Governor Says Abortion and Gay Marriage Keys to Revitalize State

Democratic Governor Eliot Spitzer has proposed legislation that would eliminate gender from the legal definition of marriage and make denying a marriage license to homosexual couples illegal. He has also pledged to strengthen the state’s abortion laws, “to ensure that New Yorkers’ access to abortion will not be infringed by the U.S. Supreme Court’s recent errant decision to uphold the ban on partial birth abortion procedures.”

Spitzer cited the anticipated fiscal benefits of these measures as a strong ancillary rationale for the legislation. “Aside from the fact that sodomy and abortion are among the ‘unalienable rights’ guaranteed by our nation’s Constitution, there are significant economic benefits to our state from this legislation,” Spitzer asserted. “Homosexuals tend to have above-average incomes. Attracting more of them to New York will help boost state tax-yields. In addition, the absence of children in same-sex marriages and the reduction in birth rates due to more freely available abortions will lessen fiscal pressures on our public schools.”

The Governor’s “Reproductive Health and Privacy Protection Act” would expand the current health clause to permit abortions late in pregnancies. The bill’s “re-in-vitro” section would give women the right to abort fetuses up to 30 days after “full emergence,” provided dilation of the birth canal sufficient to allow reinsertion of the fetus’ head could be achieved.

“Motherhood is not an easy job,” Spitzer remarked. “A woman shouldn’t be forced into it by arbitrary deadlines. Allowing a ‘test-drive’ is just common sense.” Spitzer called the 30-day period in the bill “a reasonable compromise, given current technology. There’s only so much modern medicine can do.” Spitzer said he felt confident that “a broader range of options on the timing would be available in the future,”

In related news, Representative Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) and Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), are pushing the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA), which they say would preserve a woman’s health by “safeguarding her ability to make reproductive health care decisions free from interference.” “No right is more fundamental to a woman than the right to abortion,” said Boxer. “No court, no legislature—NOBODY--should be allowed to interfere with this right.”

Gore Denounces Canadian Government

Former Vice-President Al Gore flew to Canada in order to denounce the Canadian government for its rejection of the Kyoto Treaty. Speaking at a Toronto screening of his movie “An Inconvenient Truth,” Gore said that Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s new climate policy is “a complete and total fraud and fundamentally ignorant.”

“Nowhere in this plan does the Canadian government acknowledge my seminal work on this greatest of crises,” Gore complained. “Neither does the plan mention that my company, Generation Investment Management (GIM), offers opportunities for ecologically-minded investors. The government’s failure to incorporate these facts into its climate planning is designed to mislead the Canadian people.”

The Kyoto Treaty calls for advanced economies to severely restrict greenhouse gas emissions in order to combat global warming. If fully implemented, the Kyoto Treaty provisions are expected to reduce global temperatures by about one-half a degree centigrade over the next century.

“Global warming deniers who harp on the so-called meager impacts of the Kyoto Treaty miss the point,” Gore said. “It’s the process that is important. Centralizing control of the world economy in the hands of the environmentally enlightened is crucial to the world we are trying to make. Quibbling over a degree here or there won’t get us where we want to go. There must be no interference. Everyone must get with the program—including these Canadian troglodytes.”

U.K. Hospitals to Deny Treatment to “High Risk” Patients

Britain’s National Health Service (NHS) has announced that it can no longer serve high risk patients. Anne Bullock, spokeswoman for the NHS explained, “It costs a lot of money to treat those who are really sick. The surgeries, high-tech equipment, and medications required are beyond our budgetary means.”

Bullock touted recent surveys that she says support the new policy. “When you get right down to it, the overwhelming number of people suffer from relatively mild illnesses,” Bullock observed. “These are easily and cheaply treated. Consequently, the new policy will allow us to concentrate our efforts on the vastly larger numbers of people who have less onerous ailments. The desperately sick are only a small minority. We cannot allow them to consume such a disproportionate share of the nation’s medical resources. In a democracy, the needs of the majority must take precedence over the needs of the few. Simple equity demands this.”

An estimated six million patients are expected to be affected by this rationing scheme, a statistic that Bullock argues makes her point. “Sixty million people live in the UK,” Bullock said. “Those on the outs with the new policy represent only ten percent of the population. The other, healthier, ninety percent are, thus, assured of their needs being met.”