Presidential candidate and former Sen. John Edwards (D-N.C.) denounced House Democrats’ new Iraq proposal as “a perpetuation of war crimes against humanity.” “What Senator Reid calls a ‘compromise’ is really a concession,” Edwards said. “This proposal may not give George Bush all the money he wants, but it gives him all the money he needs to keep the war going.”

“Representative Murtha (D-Penn.) has made it clear that our troops are ‘cold-blooded killers,’” Edwards exclaimed. “Senator Durbin (D-Ill.) has rightly condemned the tortures carried out by our military prison guards. Continuing this war for even a minute longer continues the war crimes. I call upon Senator Reid and my fellow Democrats to cleanse themselves of war guilt, like I have, by repudiating their past support for this aggression against the Iraqi people.”

Edwards’ statement drew a sharp rebuke from Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.). “It’s easy for this preening peacock to snipe at those in the Senate,” said Reid. “We still have to try to govern this country. Edwards has been relieved of all such responsibility. He can take whatever politically convenient stance he wants, no matter how asinine it might be.”

Apprised of Reid’s response, Edwards waxed indignant. “I’ll tell you what’s asinine,” Edwards said. “Voting more funding for a war you’ve admitted is lost. Some ‘Majority Leader’ we’ve got here. What a joke.”

Edwards said he is also considering legal action against Reid for “defamation of character.” “Senator Reid’s intemperate remarks may have irretrievably damaged my chance to become president,” Edwards complained. “If I don’t win this thing, I’m going to have to hold Senator Reid personally liable.”

In related news, Senator Hillary Rodham Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton (D-N.Y.) is proposing that Congress repeal the authority it gave President George Bush to invade Iraq in 2002. “President Bush blew it,” Clinton said. “Since he won’t admit his mistake and move on, we have to take back the war authorization congress gave him in 2002. This will bring us as close as we can get to the times of peace and prosperity that prevailed when my husband was president until I’m elected president next year.”

Seattle to Build Memorial to Homeless

The City of Seattle is making plans to erect a memorial to homeless people who have died on the streets of the city. Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels (D) called the idea “long overdue.” “The homeless occupy the low rung on the social ladder,” Nickels said. “The value of this contribution to society has been overlooked and grossly underappreciated.”

According to Nickels, the homeless are “living as nature intended our species to live. If only more of us had the courage to give up our materialistic ambitions and lead simpler lives, like these people do, the Earth wouldn’t be under the stress it now is.”

Lawrence Clayton, who said he’s been homeless for 40 of his 60 years, agreed with the mayor. “I’ve been doing my part to help save the planet for over four decades,” Clayton boasted. “I’m the lily of the field. I don’t burden the Earth with my toil. No tree had to give its life nor mountain be torn asunder to put a roof over my head. I’ve got a minimal ‘carbon footprint.’ How many others have done as well?”

The project has been endorsed by former Vice-President Al Gore. “The minimal impact on the Earth’s resources made by the homeless is a model for the rest of us,” Gore said. “Building a monument to commemorate the sacrifices made by these environmentally conscious people is the least we can do to show our gratitude.”

Gore expressed the hope that more people will take up the lifestyle. “In an ideal world, everyone would be homeless,” Gore asserted. “In the meantime, we should adopt policies that encourage more individuals to live so simply. The fate of the Earth hangs in the balance.”

NY Governor Touts Campaign Finance Reform

New York’s Democratic Governor, Eliot Spitzer, is proposing new, lower limits on the amounts people may donate to political campaigns in the state. Inasmuch as Spitzer’s campaign for the governorship raised $40 million and outspent his Republican opponent, John Faso, by a 10-1 ratio, the governor’s “reform” may seem ironic or, to some, hypocritical.

Not so, says Spitzer. “Last year there was a desperate need to end 12 years of Republican misrule of this state,” Spitzer said. “No price was too high to pay to achieve this goal. Now, though, the crisis is passed. The government is in good hands. So, there is no need for anyone to raise large sums for a campaign.”

Spitzer cited existing sources of information as “more than adequate” for informing voters in future elections. “First of all, there are some excellent web sites where people can get information on candidates and issues,” Spitzer said. “One of these is, of course, http://www.ny.gov/. Another is http://www.spitzer2010.com/. Then there’s the New York Times—the world’s greatest newspaper. Add in network TV and I think you can see my point. There are plenty of sources for voters to learn about candidates.”

Spitzer’s plan would cap individual and PAC contributions to statewide candidates at $15,000, Senate candidates at $11,500, and Assembly candidates at $4,600. An exception would be granted under the “special access” clause. Under this provision individuals would be permitted to give a $1 million in exchange for special access to the governor.

Spitzer defended the exception saying that the payment wouldn’t be a campaign contribution, per se. “A campaign contribution is a donation,” Spitzer insisted. “There is no quid pro quo. The ‘special access’ payment is more along the lines of an admission ticket. It’s a fee, not a donation.”

The million dollar price tag is necessary, says Spitzer, in order to restrict the numbers to a manageable quantity. “Look, we can’t have every Tom, Dick and Harry taking up the governor’s time,” Spitzer explained. “There are only so many hours in the day. People who seriously need to deal with me are going to have to pay a reasonable price. Considering what I can do for them, a million dollars is really a bargain.”

Senator Obama Assails Kansas Tornado Death Toll “Cover-up”

Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.), asserted that over 10,000 had died in the recent Kansas tornadoes, but a Bush Administration “cover-up” resulted in the claim that a mere 12 had been killed. “Just because the victims were undocumented residents or African Americans doesn’t mean they weren’t human beings,” Obama said. “It’s all part of the Republican campaign to denigrate people of color. First they deny them the right to vote. Now, they don’t even count them as people in the official death toll statistics. It’s a disgrace.”

In a speech at a Richmond, Virginia fundraiser, the Democratic presidential candidate informed the audience, “In case you missed it, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died — an entire town destroyed.”

Obama blamed the toll on the War in Iraq. “This wasn’t solely ‘an act of God’ as the Bush Administration would have you believe,” Obama said. “Gov. Kathleen Sebelius told me that that the state’s National Guard was depleted because President Bush had deployed most of the troops and equipment to Iraq. Our troops should be here fighting tornados and climate change instead of occupying foreign lands and infringing on other countries’ rights to self-government.”

New Jersey to Abolish Death Penalty for All Except Unborn

New Jersey lawmakers are weighing legislation that would abolish the state’s death penalty. The prohibition on putting humans to death will not be extended to outlaw abortions, however.

Democratic Governor Jon Corzine, said he was confident the legislation would become law some time this summer. “It is barbaric that we would deliberately extinguish the life of another human being,” he said. “This cruel practice must end.”

Corzine rebuffed arguments that his unwavering support for abortion allows doctors to “deliberately extinguish the life of another human being.” “Abortions occur because these fetuses are unwanted,” Corzine said. “The same can’t be said for those on death row. Every one of them has someone, frequently a mother, begging for mercy for the condemned man. So, I’m not buying the so-called ‘moral equivalence’ argument against a woman’s right to an abortion. The two situations are as different as night and day.”

In support of his position, Corzine made reference to the New Jersey Death Penalty Study Commission finding that the death penalty was “inconsistent with evolving standards of decency.”

Bill Clinton Sees Looming Disaster

Former President Bill Clinton said that he has seen “unmistakable signs” that the world is headed for disaster. “When I was governor of Arkansas the women were slim,” Clinton observed. “Take Gennifer and Paula, for example. They were lean and luscious. By the time I was president I had to settle for a significantly chubbier Monica. Now, it seems like the only women available are borderline obese or worse.”

Clinton said he discounts Hillary’s contention that his age may be an important factor. “Hillary says that now that I’m fat and old I should expect to have to lower my standards,” Clinton said. “But I’m an ex-president, for God’s sake. How many other guys can use that line? I say the world is on a downward spiral that can only end in disaster.”

British Politicians Less Trusted Than Used Car Salesmen

A poll of 1,900 readers of Reader’s Digest magazine showed that faith in politicians dropped from an already-low 15 percent in 2002 to seven percent last year. Eight percent of respondents said they trusted car salesmen.

Poll respondent Nigel Mills explained his reasoning: “Even if you overpay for a car, you still get something out of the deal. You can’t say the same for politicians. They grab your money and you’re lucky if you end up with anything to show for it other than more meddling by government nannies.”