After losing a string of embarrassing votes on the House floor, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) is considering a change in the current House Rules that would completely shut down the floor to the minority. The actions targeted by the rule change are the Republican right to request roll calls recording who votes for tax increases, the motion to recommit, and the test of germaneness. This would be the first change to the germaneness rule since 1822.

“The Republicans are abusing my patience,” Pelosi complained. “They are so disagreeable. It’s like they are intent on opposing just about everything we want to do. This has got to stop.”

Even though Democrats hold the majority and could, if unified, vote down Republican motions, each vote creates a record of the position taken by each member of congress. “Being forced to go on record on these issues is making a lot of our caucus uncomfortable,” Pelosi said. “They’re afraid these votes will be used against them in the next election. They say it’s my job as Speaker to protect them from this unwanted exposure.”

House Republican Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) called Pelosi’s proposed rule change “an astonishing attempt by the majority leadership to duck accountability for tax-and-spend policies the American people do not want.”

The Speaker challenged Boehner’s interpretation. “I think the fact that we won a majority disproves Boehner’s contention that the American people don’t want increased taxes and spending,” Pelosi pointed out. “We are the party of higher taxes and spending. We have a mandate to implement our program. If changing the rules to end Republicans obstruction is what it takes to fulfill that mandate, that is what we will do.”

In related news, public approval of the job Congress is doing has declined to 29%, which puts Congress even lower than President Bush’s weak 33% approval rating. Pelosi blamed the media, which she said “is poisoning the minds of the American people.” The Speaker said she is confident that the new rules will correct this. “Once we get the Republicans shut up things will go smoother,” Pelosi said. “That should go a long way toward boosting congress’ image with the voters.”

Colorado Gov. Endorses Homosexual Adoption

Colorado’s Democratic Governor, Bill Ritter signed into law a bill legalizing homosexual adoption. Ritter defended the idea of allowing homosexual couples to adopt, asserting that the law would “strengthen families and provide children with as stable an environment as possible.”

“As we all know, homosexuals are disadvantaged when it comes to having children,” Ritter said. “Reproduction-wise, anal sex is a ‘dead-end,’ so to speak. That leaves gay couples without heirs to their lifestyle and cultural values. This legislation fixes that by allowing these couples to adopt children produced by others engaging in normal sexual relations.”

Ritter warned that without measures like this “there is a danger that the homosexual lifestyle could die out. Values and traditions are passed from parent to child. If gays have no children, their way of life cannot be passed on to the next generation. Individuals must not be denied this human right just because their sexual orientation is outside the norms of the majority.”

The legislation was praised by the North American Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA). “Finding a boy to mentor is a difficult undertaking for most of us,” said NAMBLA spokesman, Ivan Humphrey. “This new law will remove barriers and provide an opening for our members to create the type of connection that will inseminate our values into the younger generation.”

Humphrey predicted that the new law “would enable Colorado to displace San Francisco as the cultural capital of the gay community.”

Court Rules Web Site Liable

A three-judge panel of the federal appeals court in San Francisco ruled that a roommate-matching Web site may be held liable for what users say about their preferences. The ruling was in response to a complaint raised by two California fair housing groups that brought the case against Roommate.com, saying the Web site violates the Fair Housing Act by allowing users to specify roommate preferences based on sex, race, religion and sexual orientation.

“The law is clear,” wrote Judge Arnold Bube for the court. “Individuals may not discriminate in their selection of a roommate. Just because you might not feel comfortable or safe living with a person of the opposite sex or a person with a different sexual preference doesn’t negate that person’s right to live with you. Communicating your discriminatory preferences by any means is strictly prohibited. Any medium that abets the communication of your discriminatory preferences is also liable under the law.”

“In an ideal world, housing arrangements would be handled by an impartial government agency,” Bube suggested. “People would be assigned appropriate living quarters and room mates like they are in the Army or prison. Prejudice and discrimination would play no part. We’d cure the urban sprawl that is caused by people determined to live in their own separate single-family home.”

Bube said his views may sound radical now, “but once the amnesty bill passes congress we’re going to have to come up with some means of accommodating the influx of Mexicans that will surely follow.”

In related news, the Massachusetts legislature is taking up a bill that would bar in-state businesses from using height or weight as factors governing personnel decisions. Firms with a disproportionate under-representation of the short and fat would be subject to sanction by state authorities. If the bill passes it is expected to condemn the once proud Boston Celtics basketball team to perpetual last place in the NBA standings.

Planned Parenthood Threatens to Sue Student

Planned Parenthood Los Angeles (PPLA) has threatened to file a lawsuit against Lilia Rose, a student journalist at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA). The suit stems from an undercover investigation in which Rose recorded herself going into a PPLA clinic in Santa Monica, Calif., posing as a 15-year-old pregnant girl accompanied by her 23-year-”old boyfriend.”

A 23-year old having sex with a 15-year old would be considered statutory rape. In addition, the clinic would be required to report an abortion provided to a 15-year old.

Rose covertly video taped the encounter. The tape revealed that she was advised by PPLA employees to lie about her age, making her situation appear legal. On the tape, a PPLA employee is heard saying “If you’re 15, we have to report it. If you’re not, if you’re older than that, then we don’t need to. You could say 16…well, just figure out a birth date that works. And I don’t know anything.”

Caught breaking the law, PPLA sprang into action. A letter from Mary Jane Wagle, CEO of PPLA, threatened to sue Ms. Rose unless she “immediately relinquished to PPLA the original and any copies of tapes evidencing any wrongdoing by PPLA employees you have recorded without their consent.”

“Our organization’s ability to carry out its mission depends upon complete and total confidentiality,” the letter went on. “We cannot act aggressively to relieve young girls of unwanted pregnancies if we have to worry that people like you are prying into our business. There is no need for you or anyone else to know what goes on behind closed doors between patients and our staff.”

Wagle pointed out that Planned Parenthood is a $900 million-a-year operation and “would not be swayed from our course by a puny college student. We will crush you if that it what it takes to make an example that will deter others of a similar ilk from meddling in matters that don’t concern them.”

Obama Reads a Book

Candidate for president, Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) wowed a crowd at a recent campaign rally by reading excerpts from this “great book” he says he recently found.

“All my life I’ve been looking for the ideal governing philosophy,” Obama told supporters. “I think I’ve finally found it. Let me read some of its beautiful words to you.”

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need. Now, isn’t that the most eloquent statement of political philosophy you’ve ever heard?” Obama asked the audience. “Jesus couldn’t have said it better. But wait, there’s more. This book comes with a ten plank program of reform that I think will serve as an inspiration to us all.”

“The first plank is ‘abolition of private property,’” Obama continued. “Isn’t this what the great John Lennon was asking us when he sang ‘imagine no possessions?’”

“Here’s another: ‘establishment of industrial armies,’” Obama read. “Isn’t about time we organized our country to fight poverty rather than this foolish war in Iraq?”

“There is a world to win,” Obama shouted to widespread applause. “With your help, I promise you we will win it.”