Presidential candidate and former Senator John Edwards (D-N.C.) has outlined what he is calling “a breathtakingly innovative and refreshing new national security strategy.” The strategy would create a 10,000-person civilian peace corps, members of which would be sent to weak and unstable countries where they would serve as “hostages for peace.”

Edwards contrasted his plan with President Bush’s “bumper sticker slogan” war on terror approach. “Under my plan, brave Americans who are dedicated to world peace would be sent to ‘trouble spots,’” Edwards said. “The presence of these unarmed American hostages would reassure our adversaries that they would not be attacked by U.S. forces. At the same time, our adversaries would know that should any harm come to these hostages they would face the full wrath of the American tort law.”

Edwards said the idea sprang from his personal experience as a personal-injury lawyer. “It has been my experience that there is no word scarier to wrongdoers than the word ‘lawsuit.’ When the most successful trial lawyer of our era is president, terrorists will know I will make them pay dearly for their wrongful actions.”

Citing his previously demonstrated ability to communicate with the deceased, Edwards warned that terrorists could not hope to escape liability by killing witnesses.

Dr. Ayman Muhammad Rabaie al-Zawahiri, reputed second-in-command to Osama bin Laden, was quoted as saying, “We are quaking in our boots over the prospect of Senator Edwards becoming the American president and implementing his plan.”

Edwards said al-Qaeda’s quick and fearful response shows he is on the right track and serves as a sharp rebuttal to critics who have cast him as “lily-livered” and weak on national security.

Israeli Prime Minister Said Willing to withdraw from Golan Heights

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has relayed a message to Syrian President Bashar Assad saying Israel will withdraw from the Golan Heights territory it seized in the 1967 war if that is the price of peace. According to sources, Olmert told the Syrian leader Israel would return the Golan in exchange for a 60-day cease fire agreement and a pledge not to mutilate Jews after they are killed.

Assad said that while he is reluctant to lend legitimacy to the “Zionist occupiers of Palestine,” he would consider the offer. “The Jews must ultimately vacate the region,” Assad asserted. “This could be a useful step on the road to a final solution of the Jewish problem. The Golan heights provide an excellent vantage point for shelling Israeli positions.”

The prime minister defended his offer saying that “the promised 60-day ceasefire would the most solid period of peace enjoyed by Israel since the Oslo Accords.”

While Olmert has received criticism from Likkud, politicians of the Left praised his initiative. “A 60-day ceasefire is a small price to pay to get the Jews off the Golan Heights,” United Arab List-Ta’al Knesset Member Ahmad Tibi said. “The struggle for Palestine can be renewed after this brief interlude.”

Meretz chairman Yossi Beilin praised the change in Olmert’s stance regarding negotiations with Syria. “When you are feeding the crocodile it is best to give him small bites,” Beilin remarked. ”That way you may postpone your eventual doom another day, or in this case, at least another 60-days.”

In related news, a new poll of Palestinians revealed that 51% support the rocket attacks on Israel even though 66% say the attacks provide no real benefit to the Palestinians. “It’s a matter of pride,” explained poll respondent Yusef Ashat. “Pursuing benefits is the way of the Jew. We are not like that. It is better that no one benefits than that one Jew should enjoy a moment’s respite on the path to his extermination.”

ACLU Sues to Restore Vote to Felons

A lawsuit filed in federal court in Phoenix by the American Civil Liberties Union on behalf of five convicted felons challenges a state law that denies voting rights to those who have been convicted of two or more felonies. Under the law, felons can have their right to vote restored only by getting permission from a judge. The suit also challenges a provision of Arizona law that says those convicted of a single felony must pay restitution before their voting rights can be restored.

“Denying the right to vote based on one’s failure to pay financial obligations is unfair,” ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty said. “The Social Security Trust Fund is a scam. Congress is bought and paid for by lobbyists. The government is corrupt. Let’s face it, our society doesn’t take financial obligations seriously. So, why should these convicts be singled out for special punishment?”

“Besides, millions of illegal aliens are using fraudulent identification papers to vote,” Petty added. “We need the votes of felons to counterbalance this alien influence. These felons may be crooks, but they are American crooks. Surely it would be better to have them decide our elections rather than hordes of Mexicans.”

eHarmony Sued

A California woman is suing the online dating service eHarmony.com, alleging it discriminates against gays. Linda Carlson said she tried to use the Internet site to meet a woman, but was rejected based on her sexual orientation. Her lawsuit contends that offering to find a compatible match only for men seeking women or women seeking men violates a state law barring discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. The class-action lawsuit names Pasadena-based eHarmony.com Inc., company founder Neil Clark Warren, and his wife, Marylyn, the company’s former vice president, as defendants.

Carlson brushed aside the fact that there are already numerous dating services that cater to homosexuals in California. “The eHarmony people said I should take my business to a web site designed to serve the gay community,” Carlson said. “But these sites are loaded with disgusting perverts looking for quantity rather than quality. eHarmony seemed so wholesome in their ads that I was drawn to them. I have a right to be served or they should be put out of business.”

Carlson offered an analogy to illustrate her point. “Suppose I walk into Burger King and order a pizza,” she said. “Should they have the right to refuse to serve me because I’m a vegan? Of course not. Well, neither should eHarmony have a right to refuse to serve those of us in the gay community who want lasting, loving relationships. California law says they don’t have that right.”

In related news, gay prisoners in California will now be allowed overnight visits with their partners under a new prison policy. The policy change came after a threat of legal action from the American Civil Liberties Union on behalf of Vernon Foeller, 40, a gay man serving a 20-month sentence for attempted burglary at the state prison in Vacaville. “A man has the right to be sodomized by a person he chooses,” said ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. “He shouldn’t have to settle for a blow job or butt-reaming from his cell-mate.”

Pelosi Sees Impact of Global Warming

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) joined a delegation of the Select Committee on Energy Independence and Global Warming, chaired by Congressman Ed Markey (D-Mass) took a trip to Greenland, Germany, England, and Belgium to investigate the effects of climate change.

“The purpose of our visit was to see firsthand the adverse environmental and economic impacts of global warming and to meet with foreign leaders who are taking action to address one of the greatest challenges of our time,” Pelosi said. “It was pointed out to me that since January alone, average daily temperatures have risen by over 30 degrees. If this trend continues, the seas will be boiling by this time next year. The urgency with which we must act should be readily apparent to everyone.”

“It is far worse than you think,” Pelosi continued. “In England, global warming has gotten so bad that the beer is served warm. In Greenland, cases of frostbite have declined precipitously in just the last month. In Germany it has been over 60 years since they stopped burning Jews, but average temperatures still show no sign of heading downwards. We are running out of options and time. Unless a global climate czar with total power over all economies is established soon life as we know it will cease to exist.”

China Protests U.S. Food and Drug Administration Warning

China has called a U.S. warning against using its toothpaste irresponsible. “The low levels of diethylene glycol (DEG) are not ‘extraordinarily harmful’ (the level required for recall under China’s regulations),” said Gwang Lai, China’s General Administration of Quality Supervision, Inspection and Quarantine Minister.

Concerns about the toothpaste follow reports from Panama that attribute over 100 deaths to Chinese cough syrup containing DEG.

Gwang insisted that adding anti-freeze to toothpaste and other products was a “feature” rather than evidence of contamination. “DEG sweetens the taste and helps guard against freeze damage during the cooler months of the year,” Gwang said. “So far we have not reported any deaths resulting from using the toothpaste. The American alarmism is a hostile act against the People’s Republic of China.”