When 43-year-old Shona Holmes of Waterdown, Ontario came down with a brain tumor that threatened her sight and life, all the Canadian Universal Public Health Insurance System could do for her was put her name on a waiting list. Then she did what many Canadians in dire health do—she sought help in the U.S.

Specialists at Mayo Clinic in Arizona told Holmes that if she did not receive immediate surgery to remove the tumor that was causing the problem, she risked going blind or even dying. Even armed with this diagnosis, Holmes was unable to induce the Canadian Health system to accelerate treatment. Ultimately, Holmes had to come back to the Mayo Clinic to have the surgery performed.

Spokesman for the National Health Service, Roland Dithers, defended the policy that shunted Ms. Holmes into a queue. “While this individual case may look bad, it is important that we not lose sight of the bigger picture,” Dithers said. “It is essential that we preserve the core value of equity. Having each person wait their turn assures all that there is no favoritism.”

Dithers acknowledged that having to wait “might be detrimental in isolated instances,” but insisted that the consequences were confined to a relatively small segment of the population. “An occasional premature death is an unavoidable cost of achieving the broad social benefits of a system where all are treated equally,” Dithers explained. “Who’s to say that some complaints ought to take precedence over others?”

Dithers suggested that administering to the much more numerous minor ailments of the majority “might relieve more person-hours of suffering than saving the life of one desperately ill individual.”

Edwards Touts His “Canada Plus” Health Plan

Presidential candidate former Senator John Edwards (D-N.C.) touted his national health care proposal as “Canada plus.” Like the Canadian plan, Edwards’ proposal would place everyone under a single system. In addition, though, annual physicals and mandatory therapies would be imposed.

“We cannot allow a medically ignorant population to neglect to take proper care of themselves,” Edwards said. “Laziness and bad habits undermine the collective welfare of the nation.”

To ensure against “laziness” and “bad habits” Edwards’ plan would mandate that every individual report to designated government health clinics within 30 days of his or her birthday each year for a physical check-up. Those prescribed medication would be required to visit clinics for supervised administration of the prescribed drugs or therapy.

Edwards dismissed charges that his plan was intrusive and meddlesome. “Under my administration we will take charge of the people’s health,” Edwards boasted. “People will no longer need to fear that no one cares about them. Just like your mother took care of you when you were a child, my health plan will take care of you for the rest of your life. From a medical standpoint, Americans will be carefree once my plan becomes law.”

Bin Laden Chastises Democrats, Urges Americans to Convert

In his first video since the pre-2004 election speech in which he endorsed Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) for president, terrorist leader Osama bin Laden takes the Democratic controlled congress to task for “failing to do its part to end the infidels’ murder of Muslims in Iraq.”

Bin Laden maintained that al-Qaeda “is fully capable of destroying the enemies of Islam without any outside help,” but urged “those who have seen the evil of Western ways to help speed the arrival of the worldwide caliphate and thereby bring peace and justice to all of humanity.”

Ending the US presence in Iraq and Afghanistan was portrayed as “a useful first step.” “Complete peace will come once all have converted to Islam,” bin Laden promised. “Until then, all who believe in Allah must dedicate their lives to ending the lives of the infidels who resist His inevitable triumph.”

In related news, former president Bill Clinton called for the US government to initiate an immediate and substantial drawdown of American forces stationed in Iraq. “There has been progress using the ‘surge,’ but this presents a two-fold danger to America,” Clinton said. “If this surge succeeds in winning the war, voters will tend to credit the current administration. This could result in a continuing Republican hold on the presidency—stifling needed domestic reforms like national health care and stepped-up environmental protections.”

“If the surge only postpones ultimate failure, this failure could occur during the next administration,” Clinton went on. “Under such circumstances, voters could mistakenly blame my wife for the failure. Again, this could redound to the electoral benefit of Republicans who would then be able to continue blocking needed domestic reforms.”

More Guantanamo Bay Prison Atrocities

We’ve already heard the tales of abuse of the “illegal enemy combatants” housed in the U.S. military prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. War-on-Terror suspects have been detained, forced to eat unnatural foods, given only paperback editions of the Koran and denied the comforts of sexual congress with livestock. To these horrors must now be added that of repatriation.

It seems that detainees released and returned to their native lands are dissatisfied with this resolution of their status. Their home countries remain the pestilent “hell-holes” that contributed to the detainees’ motivation to join the ranks of the Islamic jihad against America. Conditions are described as “unsanitary and filthy.” Governments are oppressive and human rights few.

“When I was in the Gitmo prison I had a clean bed and prepared meals,” said Yusef Muhammed of Palestine. “I could spit on the guards, curse their god and denounce their government. Here I must share my bed with vermin and I risk my life every time I step into the street. I must watch what I say. No one provides for my needs.”

The Human Rights Watch (HRW), says that the US government is not doing enough to ensure that released prisoners are not subjected to ill treatment in their homelands. “These Middle Eastern governments are unreliable,” said HRW spokesman, Charles Callow. “Sending these men back home is a cruel punishment.”

Callow suggested that the problem be remedied by releasing the former detainees in the United States. “These men are really unfit to care for themselves,” Callow alleged. “They should be provided with housing, food stamps, and a minimum income. If we look out for their welfare we will overcome their rationale for hating us. So, by being more humane we will also be more secure.”

Presidential candidate Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) disputed the characterization of Middle Eastern nations as “hell-holes.” “I have met with Syria’s President Assad,” Kucinich said. “I found him to be a kind and gentle man. His country has been inundated with Iraqi refugees. Yet, he has been generous enough to give them supplies and encourage them to return to Iraq to help resist the American occupying army.”

Kucinich said that Assad’s efforts to bring stability to the region are “hampered by the constant threat of Israeli aggression.” “Israel is the common participant in all the wars here,” Kucinich pointed out. “Israel has attacked Egypt, Jordan, Lebanon, Palestine and Syria. None of these countries have fought amongst themselves. So, I’d have to say that if there is to be peace in the Middle East Israel is the key.”

Rep. Jefferson Charges Racism Is Motive behind Case against Him

Representative William Jefferson (D-La.) said the Justice Department of bringing corruption charges against him demonstrates the inherent racism behind law enforcement.

“Look, the Clintons have been raking in millions in corrupt money, some of it from Chinese Communists,” Jefferson claimed. “There’s this Hsu guy and Peter Paul. They’ve grabbed a hundred times as much as the FBI says I have. But nobody’s prosecuting them because they’re white.”

Jefferson demanded that if he is to be tried he should be entitled to a jury of his peers. According to Jefferson, his peers would include fellow members of congress, Black people, and the “good voters of Louisiana who understand that a congressman’s job is more complicated than Whitey realizes.”

New Orleans Mayor Decides against Run for Governor

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin (D) has decided against running for governor of Louisiana. Notorious for his inaction during the days leading up to Hurricane Katrina’s devastation of his city, Nagin was advised that his slogan “not everyone who could’ve died did” was not the confidence inspiring catchphrase he thought it was.

Obama’s Ethics Reform Plan Would Create Database of “Lobbyists”

Presidential hopeful Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) proposed establishing a centralized database in order to monitor attempts to influence government. Under his plan, all members of congress and the executive branch would be required to keep detailed logs of all phone calls, e-mails and letters received. Regulators would then “mine” this data to look for patterns demonstrating excessive attempts to seduce or pressure members of government to adopt or refrain from adopting policies, programs or appropriations.

Obama rejected critics’ contentions that this would be more invasive than the government’s current programs for monitoring terrorist activity. “We’re just asking for civil servants to review these contacts,” Obama said. “Those who’ve done nothing wrong will have nothing to fear.” Obama also asserted that “dirty money and lobbyist pressure is a greater threat to America than the alleged terrorists’ war on the United States.”