The first ever debate among presidential candidates on a Spanish-language television station found the contenders for the Democratic nomination taking turns pandering to Hispanic voters.

Former senator John Edwards (D-N.C.) vowed to provide unlimited health benefits for “undocumented” workers without inquiring whether they are in the country legally.

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) said she would work on legislation to allow every Latino currently in the United States to bring in every relative. "I am proud to work on trying to make sure we don't separate families, we try to have family unification as one of the goals. So in addition to giving people a free path to legalization, we want to make sure their whole families can come along with them." She alleged that “this is what Jesus would do if he were president. How can I be expected to do less?”

Governor Bill Richardson (D-N.M.) promised to “stop the immigration raids, because they're a symbol of what's wrong with a broken immigration policy" and to work to make Spanish the official U.S. language.

In related news, each year, an estimated 400,000 illegal immigrants give birth to so-called “anchor babies”--children born to illegal immigrants and who then serve as a buffer against deporting the parent.  Representative Dan Lungren (R-Calif) has introduced legislation aimed at eliminating the “anchor baby” strategy for gaining access to America by restricting birthright citizenship to children born only to those who are citizens or legal aliens. The bill was denounced by Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean as “another Republican attempt to suppress Democratic votes.”

“Freegan” Lifestyle Hailed as a Model to Save the Earth

“Freegans” pursue a lifestyle based upon making use of other people’s discards. Daily activities include trolling curbsides for discarded clothes and furniture, rummaging in trash bins for discarded food and begging for hand-outs. Freegans typically live as squatters in abandoned buildings, in government-subsidized apartments, or with family and friends.

Harry Bong, a self-described Freegan, waxed enthusiastic about the lifestyle. “Hey, America is the land of the free and the home of the brave,” said Bong. “We’re living the dream. We get stuff free. And you have to be a little brave to eat food from a dumpster. I’m saving the Earth. I’m a hero.”

Global environmental expert, former Vice-President Al Gore hailed freeganism as “the highest level of environmentally-friendly living. They’re using things that otherwise would be thrown away. Every meal that comes out of a dumpster is a meal that doesn’t have to be extracted from the Earth. More people should live this way. And they would if governments took proper care of the planet.”

More information on the freegan way of life can be found on Internet sites like www.Meetup.com and www.Freegankitchen.com.

In related news, the people of Zimbabwe have resorted to eating their pets. Dictator Robert Mugabe, whose socialist policies have wrecked the economy and sent inflation soaring to an annual rate of 25,000 percent, praised the development as “a significant step away from the bourgeois indulgence of keeping useless, parasitic animals in the home.” “It is a fundamental principle of socialism that those who do not work shall be eaten,” Mugabe asserted.

Democratic Presidential Candidates to Conduct Criminal Background Checks of Major Donors

The scandal surrounding the illegal campaign donations to Senator Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) by suicidal fugitive Norman Hsu has stirred action in several campaigns. Senator Clinton reversed her original decision to donate only Hsu’s personal $23,000 contribution to charity and agreed to return the entire $850,000 she received from Hsu-linked donors. In addition, Clinton campaign spokesman Howard Wolfson said the campaign would be seeking assurances from donors that they’re not criminals before accepting their future contributions.

The Edwards and Obama campaigns have said they will conduct similar rigorous measures to ensure that “dirty money” doesn’t affect the outcome of the race.

“The decision to tighten the scrutiny of donors did not come easily,” said Wolfson. “As Democrats we take pride in representing all the people. Up to now, this has included criminals. We’re not entirely comfortable with an exclusionary policy. This is what the Republican Party does. It’s ugly and it’s not the kind of America we want to live in. But to avoid being smeared for our ‘open-arms, open-palms’ policy, we’re going to have to live by their rules, at least for now.”

In related news, Senator Clinton expressed her disapproval of the $5 million bail set for Hsu. “This exorbitant bail will keep Mr. Hsu safely behind bars,” Clinton complained. “It’s like he’s being punished before he’s had a fair trial. He shouldn’t have to suffer like this. What he really needs is someone to help him relieve his pain.

National Health Service Refuses to Operate on Smoker

John Nuttall, 57, needs an operation to fix a broken ankle that was not healed by a plaster cast. Doctors have refused to operate because they say Nuttall's heavy smoking makes the surgery a “poor social investment.”

“Look, the National Health Service has limited resources,” said NHS spokesman Winston Hardman. “Why should we waste them on someone who refuses to do his part for the collective benefit?”

Doctors have told Nuttall he must give up smoking before they will operate. Despite nearly two years of trying, the retired builder has been unable to kick his habit.

Nuttall says the pain from the grating of the broken bones against each other is constant. Doctors have given him a prescription for morphine, which he must take daily to make life bearable.

“I feel cheated,” Nuttall said. “I have paid National Insurance taxes all my life and now I’m being shut out of the NHS."

Hardman characterized Nuttall as “selfish.” “All he can think about is himself,” Hardman said. “He’s old. He’s retired. He doesn’t really have much to offer society at this point. If he’s not going to obey our request that he quit smoking, he shouldn’t expect society’s resources to be invested in his surgery.”

Hardman explicitly dismissed Nuttall’s contention that his decades of paying taxes into the NHS entitled him to service. “We all pay taxes because the government has decreed that we shall,” Hardman explained. “The notion that these payments entitle anyone to a specific benefit is erroneous. People are entitled to what the government says they’re entitled. In this case, the government is saying that Nuttall isn’t entitled to anything until he complies with our instruction to stop smoking.”

Belgian Police Beat Demonstrators as “Precautionary Measure”

A demonstration against the "Islamization of Europe," where participants planned a moment of silence to commemorate the anniversary of 9/11 attacks in the United States, was brutally suppressed by Belgian police acting on instructions from the Socialist mayor of Brussels Freddy Thielemans.

The mayor described the police violence as a “precautionary measure.” “The demonstration was very offensive to our Muslim citizens,” Thielemans pointed out. “To be against Islamization is, in their eyes, an affront to God. And to choose 9/11, the day of the jihad of the martyrs, was abysmal timing. I can’t tell you how many calls I got promising a bloodbath if the demonstration was allowed to go forward. These people were beaten by our police for their own protection.”

Thielemans maintained that the police action “had to be severe enough to placate the Islamic extremists, lest something worse might happen.” “A few concussions, a couple of broken ribs and a little blood were a tolerable outcome,” Thielemans said. “No one died. If people would just learn to be quiet about this subject we could all live in peace.”

Al-Qaeda Criticizes Petraeus Report

Ayman Muhammad Rabaie al-Zawahiri, the al-Qaeda terrorist organization’s second in command after Osama bin Laden, criticized General David Patraeus’ report on the Iraq War as “warmed-over Bush Administration propaganda” that requires “a willing suspension of disbelief on the part of the listener.”

“President Bush’s strategy in Iraq has failed,” Zawahiri continued. “It is time to change course and withdraw the troops so that the Islamification of the country can proceed with a minimum of bloodshed.”

Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei seconded Zawahiri’s take on the General’s report. “It is not a credible report,” Khamenei insisted. “The words of an infidel are not to be trusted.” Khamenei further demanded that President Bush be brought to trial for war crimes, as Saddam Hussein was, and eventually hanged.

In related news, a poll conducted by Zogby International for 911Truth.org found that 61 percent of those calling themselves politically “liberal” or “progressive” would support the idea of putting the President on trial for war crimes. “We need to bring the troops home so they can fight the real enemy—the Republican Party,” said a poll respondent from Washington, D.C. “It was the Bush Administration that dynamited the twin towers. Al-Qaeda is just a scapegoat.”