Based on a complaint lodged by Cuba’s foreign minister, Felipe Perez Roque, the United Nations may declare that the United States’ long running embargo of the island nation is illegal.

“The Cuban complaint makes a persuasive case that the US embargo has contributed to human rights abuses in Cuba,” said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon. “Because of the embargo, the Cuban government has been unable to acquire supplies from America to upgrade their facilities. As a result, political prisoners are being housed in filthy and decrepit buildings, locked up in rusted manacles and beaten with cracked and splintered clubs. So I’d have to say that it looks like the United States has abetted human rights abuses.”

“For nearly fifty years the progress of the Revolution has been retarded by the American refusal to sell us necessary goods,” Roque complained. “Now, finally, the criminal acts of the Yankee imperialists have been recognized by the international community. I hope they will be made to pay the price.”

If the “motion of censure” under consideration by the UN passes the US could be required to pay reparations to the Cuban government.

“Choose Death” PAC Dead

Michael Schiavo, former husband of Terri Schiavo decided to terminate the political action committee (PAC) he created to campaign against lawmakers who sided with Terri’s parents in their efforts to save her life.

According to Schiavo, the decision to ‘pull the plug’ on his PAC was not an easy one. “I labored long and hard to bring the ‘Choose Death’ PAC to life,” said a tearful Schiavo. “I thought that once the PAC was born the money would come rolling in and I’d be set for life. But each day was a struggle for survival. It wasn’t the ticket to the good life I thought it would be.”

Schiavo said he does look back with pride to the PAC’s achievements during its brief life. “Because of my efforts, 20 meddling busybodies were ousted from their seats,” Schiavo asserted. “Politicians who come between a man and his ex-wife aren’t fit to hold office. I wish I could’ve done more than just end their political careers, but I lacked the means to inflict a more permanent consequence on these right-wingers.”

Terri Schiavo died in 2005 as the nation watched the painful two-week-long starvation and dehydration death was ordered by her ex-husband, Michael Schiavo. “What other people don’t understand is that Terri would never have wanted to do anything to make me unhappy,” Schiavo said. “If she had been aware how uncomfortable her continued existence was making me, she’d have pulled the plug herself.”

The Choose Death PAC July quarterly report showed a total of $35,353.75 on hand. Shiavo said he wished he could buy a boat or maybe an RV with the money, but because of federal election rules he will probably have to donate the funds to another organization. Schiavo said it’s likely he will forward the funds to either Planned Parenthood or the Hemlock Society.

Iranian Leader Request to Perform “Ceremony” at World Trade Center Site Denied

A request by Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to visit the World Trade Center site in New York City where it was rumored he would “dance or at least spit on the graves of the Zionist pigs and infidels gloriously slain by Mohammed’s warriors on 9/11” was turned down by police and criticized by U.S. diplomats as an attempt to turn ground zero into a “photo op.”

Ahmadinejad, who is coming to the US to address the U.N.’s General Assembly, asked the city and the U.S. Secret Service for permission to visit the site of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. The request to enter the fenced-in site was rejected because of ongoing construction there and due to security concerns, according to a police spokesman.

Mohammad Mir Ali Mohammadi, spokesman for the Iranian mission to the U.N., said there was no truth to rumors that the Iranian president intended to disrespect the site. “President Ahmadinejad intended to lay a wreath at the site of ground zero in order to pay tribute to the jihadi warriors who died in the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks,” Mohammadi said. “We were hopeful that the Jews who run the city would not prevail in their efforts to prevent this act of homage to ‘heroes of Islam.’ This insult only serves to confirm the wisdom of the President’s call for all people to unite against the Zionist threat of world domination.”

In related news, Columbia University said it does not plan to call off a speech by Iran’s president despite pressure. “Mr. Ahmadinejad has a point of view and a message that we think is important that our students hear,” said Dr. Abraham Wussman, Vice-Dean for Student Affairs. “We can’t build bridges to other cultures if we insist on judging them harshly simply because they have different values.”

Russians Say Soil Samples Prove Arctic Belongs to Them

The Russian Natural Resources Ministry says samples of earth taken from where their navy planted a flag on the seabed below the North Pole show beyond doubt that the Arctic is Russian. “Extensive testing has shown that these soils are thoroughly permeated with the DNA of Russian prisoners who perished in the Gulags,” said Josef Zhukovsky, spokesman for the Ministry. “It is incontrovertible that Russians got there first. This precedence proves our claim to this land.”

Apparently, the thousands of corpses thrown into the northerly flowing rivers that ran past the numerous concentration camps that served to house opponents of the Soviet regime drifted out to sea where they eventually sank into the ooze at the bottom of the Arctic Ocean.

“The sacrifice of these Russians shall not have been in vain,” Zhukovsky proclaimed. “Their blood will win this territory for their motherland.”

The Russian’s Arctic 2007 expedition was the first to plant a flag on the seabed directly below the North Pole to claim the area. Geologists believe the land beneath the Arctic ice cap is rich in minerals and energy deposits. Due to global warming, governments now believe that it is only a matter of time before they will be able to start exploiting the previously inaccessible seabed.

Jackson Says Obama Acting Like He’s White

The Reverend Jesse Jackson said presidential hopeful Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill) is failing to connect with African-American voters because he appears “too white.”

“We can forgive the fact that he has a white mother,” Jackson said. “But he cannot forget his Black brother. Many African-Americans are part white, so that is not his plight. It’s his behavior that’s the crime. For starters, his sentences don’t rhyme. How does he expect to communicate if he doesn’t harmonically pontificate?”

Jackson also criticized Obama’s lack of interest in the travails of O.J. Simpson. “When an all-American hero is persecuted by police merely because he’s Black, those who would be leaders of the African-American community must strike back,” Jackson argued. “I’m sad to say that Senator Obama has run away.”

Simpson was recently arrested for armed robbery in Las Vegas. Previously, he was tried for the murder of his ex-wife and her friend, Ron Goldman. Although acquitted by a dimwitted jury swayed by the inane poetry of defense lawyer Johnny Cochran, Simpson was later found liable for their deaths in a civil suit filed by Fred Goldman, father of Ron.

“It’s like Les Miserables,” Jackson continued. “O.J. will be hounded until he’s grounded. The senator should take up O.J.’s case if he hopes to gain Black voters’ behind him in his race.”

Minnesota Officials Ask that Craig Restroom to Be Made National Historic Site

The Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport restroom where Senator Larry Craig (R-IDA) was arrested for soliciting gay sex has become such a draw for tourists that Minnesota officials have requested it be named a national historic site.

“It’s almost useless as bathroom,” said airport spokesperson Fay Nisse. “There’s no privacy. It’s crowded with gawkers. Cell-phone cameras are popping pictures. People are crawling all over the stalls writing obscene graffiti everywhere. It’s a real circus.”

Nisse said that converting the restroom into a historic site would enable the airport to establish a more dignified atmosphere. “If it’s a national historic site we can exert more crowd control,” Nisse pointed out.

Preliminary plans for the site call for a $10 entry fee to help fund the brochures explaining gay-sex solicitation signals (including how to indicate who is to pitch and who is to receive), how to get it on in a three-by-five-foot stall, and a description of the historic event (including a floor plan and diagram of the stalls involved). Animatronic mannequins are slated to be installed to help visitors visualize the movements leading up to the arrest.

Al-Qaeda Leaders Plan TV Show

Impressed by the Emmy Awards won by the recently cancelled “The Sopranos” TV series, al-Qaeda has announced plans for a pilot it hopes to sell to a major network for the 2008-09 season. Tentatively titled “The Jihadis,” the al-Qaeda produced show will feature “warriors of God taking extreme measures against decadent unbelievers.” Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s second-in-command touted “The Jihadis” as a “step up from the amoral violence of ‘The Sopranos.’” “The ‘Sopranos’ killed for money,” said Zawahiri. “‘The Jihadis kill for God. They are genuine heroes and martyrs, not anti-heroes like the American gangsters in ‘The Sopranos.’”

Zawahiri claimed that several networks had expressed interest and had advanced funds to help finance the pilot.