Presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) challenged rival candidate Senator Mrs. Bill Clinton’s (D-N.Y.) assertion that she was the victim in the recent presidential debate. In that debate, a number of the contenders for the Democratic nomination pounced on Senator Clinton’s inability to make up her mind about granting driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants.

“As a Black man, I think I have a stronger claim to victim status,” Obama
declared. “It was Black Americans who endured 300 years of slavery in this
country. It is Black people who suffer under Jim Crow laws. Mrs. Clinton has
been a pampered member of the White majority. Her road has been ‘easy
street.’”

“Senator Obama’s Black ancestors weren’t American slaves,” Clinton retorted.
“Neither he personally, nor any of his family line can claim special victim
status in this country. It is I who was victimized during the debate by my
male opponents’ failure to respect a woman’s prerogative to change her
 mind.”

Former senator John Edwards (D-N.C.) characterized Clinton’s claim as
“prerogative abuse.” “As my wife has already made clear, I am the true women’s
candidate in this race,” Edwards said. “And I have availed myself of the
prerogative of changing my mind. But I haven’t changed it three times in the
span of two minutes. I say, if we women don’t want to lose this prerogative
we must use it more judiciously.”

Mark Penn, Clinton’s senior strategist and pollster blamed the media for
Clinton’s shaky performance in the debate. “The women of America won’t stand
for one of their kind being cruelly questioned in this manner,” Penn said.
“This virtual torture of our first female president won’t be forgotten.
Media bullies like Tim Russert will face a reckoning come January 2009.”

Muhammad Al-’Arifi, Saudi Arabia’s equivalent of “Dr. Phil,” also challenged
Clinton’s claim. “The admonishment of the female by the male is in
accordance with Islamic law,” Arifi declared. “Mrs. Clinton has no right to
complain. In fact, should admonishment be insufficient to correct her
misbehavior, then a ‘gentle beating’ is warranted.” Arifi cautioned that
“beating in the face is forbidden. The blows must be struck on portions of
the body that will be covered by the clothing.”

Minnesota Congressman Files Bills to Loosen Voting Requirements

Representative Keith Ellison (D-Minn.) has introduced legislation to ban
photo identification as a requirement for voting in federal elections.
Ellison’s bill aims to compel all the states to follow Minnesota’s law,
which prohibits the use of photo IDs for the purpose of verifying voter
eligibility. This bill is paired with another Ellison-sponsored measure that
would allow voters to register to vote at the polls on election day.

“When we force people to show photo identification it’s like saying we don’t
trust them,” Ellison said. “This is not a sound foundation for a people’s
republic.”

Ellison characterized same-day registration as a “matter of convenience.”
“People are busy, they may forget to register ahead of time,” Ellison
observed. “Should they be disenfranchised for this?”

The congressman brushed aside the contention that these measures could lead
to vote fraud. “Those who say that same-day registration makes it impossible
to check for eligibility before votes are cast are showing their intent to
exclude voters,” Ellison claimed. “We shouldn’t be erecting complex
procedures to hold down the vote. Everyone should be able to vote. If a few
undocumented people vote or some mistakenly vote more than once, well, that
is a small price to pay for ensuring that everyone gets a say in who will
run the government.”

Christian Woman Raped, Forced to Convert to Islam

An 18 year-old Christian woman from Pakistan was abducted by Sajid al-D’Bawchur, a Muslim man, who held her for 10 days, forced to convert to Islam and raped her. Police have declined to make an arrest.

“There is no evidence of a crime,” said police spokesman Boresh Mohran. “D’Bawchur says she is his wife. There is no rape between husband and wife.”

The woman’s accusation was dismissed as insufficient. “She is a woman,”
Mohran explained. “Her word cannot stand against that of her husband.”

The woman’s family was advised to forgive and forget “They are Christians,”
Mohran pointed out. “They should turn the other cheek.”

Mohran further suggested that their daughter “be returned to her husband for
her own safety.” “Should she attempt to renounce her conversion and resume
Christian practices she will be guilty of apostasy. Under such
circumstances, we would be powerless to protect her.”

In related news, a poll conducted for the Democratic National Committee
found an amazingly positive response to a test marketing of the slogan
“Support Sharia Law, Vote Democrat.” Almost 40 percent of self-identified Democrats said they liked the slogan. A response from a woman from Los Angeles -- "I think the rich should be sharing more of their wealth with the poor”--goes a long way toward illuminating the poll results.

UK Think Tank Recommends Christmas Be Cancelled

A Labour party think tank has advised the government to cancel official
recognition of Christmas. “Christmas is a ‘white’ holiday,” said Molly
Coddle, spokesperson for the Institute for Public Policy Research (IPPR).
“This is supremely offensive to Britain’s immigrants. It should be
downgraded to help improve race relations.”

“We’re not saying that people cannot celebrate Christmas,” Coddle continued.
“All we’re asking is that they do so quietly and privately.”

Coddle contended that “given the demographic trends, today’s minority will
be tomorrow’s majority. Keeping Christian rites private will make the
transition to Sharia law easier in the future. There will be fewer
opportunities for misunderstanding and less risk of punishment for the
Christian minority.”

In related news, the British government is awarding £70 million in public
funds to Muslim organizations in a bid to fight extremism. Hazel Blears,
Communities Secretary, defended the seemingly discriminatory award, saying,
“Muslims are the only religious group, per se, that might be expected to
blow up buildings and kill people. So, our decision to give them money to
try to dissuade them, rather than spread it around by including Christians
and Jews, is pragmatic, not discriminatory.”

Harvard Professor Says Incomes above $4 Million Should Be Confiscated

Writing for the magazine Foreign Policy, Harvard psychology professor,
Howard Gardner, argues that no American should be allowed to earn any more
than $4 million per year nor be allowed to keep more than $200 million in
total wealth.

“I’m the smartest man in America,” Gardner boasted. “Why should anyone be
allowed to make more than I do?”

Gardner threatened to lead a “secession of the ‘intellectual professoriat’
if there’s a Republican administration after the next election.”

Gardner is the originator of the theory of multiple intelligences. In this
theory, he hypothesizes that a person can be a genius along one dimension,
but a moron along others. Personally demonstrating the validity of this
hypothesis has reputedly placed him in line for a Nobel Prize.

Kucinich Says Bush Mentally Ill

Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) says he is “concerned that
this country is being led by someone who is mentally ill.”

“I seriously believe we have to start asking questions about his mental
health,” Kucinich, said in an interview with The Philadelphia Inquirer’s
editorial board. “Despite overwhelming evidence, I have yet to hear the
President admit that extraterrestrials pose a danger to Earth. I have seen
there craft myself.”

Kucinich said that a classified report revealed that the United States’ most
recent mission to Mars a few years back discovered these “transformer
machines.” “It’s only a matter of time before they come here and wreak
havoc,” Kucinich warned.

Kucinich insisted that “these alien machines from outer space are a far
greater threat to America than al-Qaeda or Iran. These Muslims are humans,
Earthlings, like us. We must put aside our petty squabbles and band together
against this common foe if we hope to save the planet. For the president to
ignore this is just crazy.”