Former President Bill Clinton insisted that even though the effort was headed up by Hillary, he is to blame for his administration’s failed health care plan, not his wife. The issue is a bit sticky since a national health care plan is a key plank in Senator Hillary Clinton’s bid for the Democratic presidential nomination.

“She has taken the rap for some of the problems we had with health care the last time that were far more my fault than hers,” Bill Clinton said. “I got Hillary to head the health care task force to keep her occupied and give
myself more time for other activities. I should have known she was in over
her head.”

The former president cited Hillary’s bungling of an initiative aimed at
improving public education in Arkansas when he was governor as “a red flag I
should’ve paid more attention to.”

Under Hillary’s guidance, Arkansas saw its school system ranking among the
50 states drop from 49th in the nation to last place.

Oil Price Surge Inspires Democrat Plan for Higher Taxes

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) said that the surge in oil prices
“confirms the need to increase taxes on domestic energy producers.” She
dismissed suggestions that increasing oil supply by opening up Alaska and
off-shore drilling sites might be a wiser alternative.

“These oil companies are already making too much money,” Pelosi said. “If we
let them drill for more oil they’ll only make more money. This kind of
profiteering cannot be tolerated. It should be punished, not rewarded.”

Pelosi claimed that bringing more supplies on line “would send a bad message
to the American people.” “We shouldn’t be catering to Americans’ gluttony
for energy,” Pelosi said. “Consumers must be required to conserve. They
should travel less and drive smaller vehicles or take public transit when
they do. As Vice-President Gore so eloquently says, they need to learn to
reduce their ‘carbon footprint.’”

Hillary Takes Flak over Tip

Senator Hillary Clinton’s (D-N.Y.) presidential campaign came in for some
unpleasant criticism when it turned out that her entourage neglected to
leave a tip for the waitresses that served them at an Iowa diner called the
“Maid-Rite.” The campaign’s contradictory explanations—first, that they
thought the tip was included in the bill brought to the table, second that a
$100 tip was put on a charge card, and third, that $100 in cash was left for
the waitresses to split—has people wondering what to believe.

Clinton said she found the whole affair “confusing.” “How was I supposed to
know the bill didn’t include a tip,” she complained. “I don’t normally eat
at these kinds of places. I don’t carry money. I’m not accustomed to paying
for my meals in such a crass fashion.”

The Democratic presidential candidate said that the incident helps dramatize
the “wretched state of the economy under the Bush Administration.” “The
uncertainty and inconsistency of compensation in our economy is the real
source of the problem. In an ideal world the government would assure that
everyone’s needs are met. It is my pledge to the American people to work
toward that ideal once I’m president. In the meantime, let’s not quibble
over spare change. Others will tip this woman now that I’ve made her
 famous.”

Bill Clinton Denounces the Media for Rough Treatment of Wife

Former president Bill Clinton denounced the media for what he labeled “their
invasive, intrusive, and impolite harassment of his wife.” He was referring,
he said, to the spate of questions raised following Hillary’s difficulty in
the Democratic debate last week.

“Candidates shouldn’t have to answer complicated questions and be expected
to take definite policy positions prior to taking office,” Clinton asserted.
“This could impede their flexibility once they are elected.” Clinton
contended that this “loss of the element of surprise will make the nation
more vulnerable to its enemies—both foreign and domestic.”

“By taking a multi-faceted perspective on the issues, Hillary is showing
that she sympathizes with people of all points of view,” Clinton continued.
“I think this is the kind of inclusiveness we want in a president. It worked
for me. Hillary is just carrying on what she learned from observing me.”

Clinton recommended that “Voters should vote for the person they trust and
leave the decisions on complicated issues to her good judgment.”

In related news, the former president also warned his wife’s rivals for the
Democratic nomination to “watch what they say. If they keep piling on they
might find themselves ‘swift-boated’ somewhere downstream of here.”

Presidential contender Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill) said he found “the
implication that the Clintons may have been the unacknowledged force behind
the campaign that derailed Senator Kerry’s 2004 run for the office stunning.
The surreptitious undermining of our own Party’s nominee goes beyond the
normal bounds of give-and-take among honorable adversaries. I’d call it
disreputable, maybe even sinister.”

Kerry Says He’s Finally Ready to Refute Swift Boat Veterans

Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) whose bid for the presidency in 2004 was damaged by attacks on his vaunted Vietnam War record by a group called “Swift Boat Veterans for Truth,” says he is now ready to refute their allegations.

“We have put together a powerful and irrefutable rebuttal to the scurrilous
charges made against me by these right wing fanatics,” Kerry asserted.

Kerry declined to disclose any of his reputedly irrefutable proof at this
time saying that “the American people have not yet shown a sufficient
measure of regret and contrition for voting against me. They disrespected
me—a decorated veteran—and reelected a draft-dodging doofus. Until I get an
apology, I’m holding my fire.”

Kerry said he expects that America’s eagerness to finally hear the full
story “will build to an unbearable level. Then they’ll apologize just so
they can satisfy their curiosity. They won’t be disappointed.” The senator
did offer a teaser when he hinted that he has evidence indicating that the
war would have ended differently had he not been forced out of action by his
wounds.

Democrats Becoming Desperate in Efforts to End Iraq War

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) announce that she is “giving the
president one last chance to agree to a plan to withdraw US troops from
Iraq. Her Iraq War funding bill would appropriate $50 billion for the
troops, but only on condition that the President accede to Democrats’
demands that he start pulling them out immediately and complete the
withdrawal by the end of 2008.

“This may be our last chance to decide the outcome of this war,” Pelosi
said. “The situation in Iraq is very unstable and there are signs that the
tide may have turned permanently against us. If we don’t get the troops out
soon there’s no telling what might happen.”

Pelosi said her Party’s push to end the war is aimed at “keeping our
commitment to the American people. We promised voters that a Democratic
Congress would end this war. Bush’s claim that we—the United States, I
suppose he means—could still ‘win’ this war is pure speculation. It isn’t
part of our agenda. Winning cannot be guaranteed. Getting out can be
guaranteed. Why take a chance when we can bet on a sure thing?”

Pelosi’s remarks were echoed by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.).
“As I’ve said before, the war is lost,” Reid said. “Let’s acknowledge this
fact and get our troops out before we do too much damage.”

Both Pelosi and Reid rejected the option of simply de-funding the war. “We’re
not going solo on this,” Reid said. “It would be too risky. If things got
worse, the right wing media would try to blame us. No, this war is President
Bush’s fault. His blame for that must not be obscured by partisan politics.
He must join with the Democratic Party in a bi-partisan plan to end this
conflict. That’s the only acceptable way out of this mess.”

In related news, Representative David Obey (D-Wis.) gave his own unique take
on the war, saying that reports alleging a favorable trend in Iraq are
misleading. “The only reason why the violence in Iraq may have been
declining over the course of the year is because practically everyone in the
country has already been killed,” Obey declared. “Between al-Qaeda, the
militias, the Iranians and our own troops, I don’t see how anyone could
survive in that kind of crossfire.”